It Is NOT Love That Hurts
If you've ever tried to get through to somebody, you probably
understand just how frustrating it can be, and it is even more
frustrating if you are trying to get though to someone you love
and you just can't seem to get though to them however much you
try.
Every one of us wants to be loved, even those who pretend they
do not need love in their lives. Love connects us to the power,
joy, happiness, inspiration, passion, spontaneity etc that we
all have within us - that is why it feels magical to be in love.
When you stop loving, you weaken your connection to this magic
inside of you. When you stop loving you feel lifeless,
depressed, apathetic, skeptical, negative and hopeless. But
often we think we are doing everything to bring love or more of
it into our lives or relationships but there is a part of us
that we are not often aware of the part of us that tries to
sabotage the love in our life, hides from love or rejects it
altogether.
I have many couples come to my office and looking at them I know
they are in love. When I ask them what they think is the
problem, they almost answer in chorus "we don't communicate
well". But then when I ask "Why?". All different kinds of
answers, accusations and excuses start to come out. I like to
just sit there and let them go at it for a while. Very often
they come back with another chorus answer "we don't know why we
can't communicate".
And I am sure you have come across some of the singles personal
ads that have "stay away from me, I am a freak magnet" written
all over them. These people are sincerely looking for love and
wonder why nobody replies to their ad or even why they can't
find someone to love them.
Every time you loved and your love was not returned, a wall was
erected around your heart, a wall you erected to protect
yourself from being hurt again the next time. Over time you
became an expert at building walls around your heart and because
these walls have become so much part of you, you probably are
not even aware that you have them.
Read these comments and try to remember if anyone in your life
(lovers, family, co-workers etc) has ever made them about you:
1. When you get angry you shut down and won't talk to me 2. You
are always jumping to conclusions 3. Talking to you about things
that are important to me is just frustrating 4. When I bring up
the subject, you immediately change it, walk out of the room or
pretend to be asleep 5. You always say "I am not upset" but I
always know when you are upset or angry 6. I can never tell if
you are kidding or serious 7. When I try to talk to you, you
just stare at me as if I am crazy, stupid or something 8. I can
never talk to you, you twist around every word I say 9. I need
you to open up more 10. Why can't you just shut up for once and
listen 11. Everything I say or do upsets you 12. How did we get
here, I thought we were talking about...
Unfortunately, we can't keep hiding behind our walls all the
time because a much more powerful part of us wants to be found,
to be loved and to grow into more spiritual consciousness. So we
attract into our lives those people who will perfectly push our
buttons for us, confront us when we're losing our vision and
integrity, kick our ass when we're getting lazy or sinking into
destructive patterns, and so on.
Say you are out on a date having a wonderful time with someone
you like or care about. The conversation drifts to music. You
say you love rock and roll, rap or country music and your date
says he or she is not all too crazy about it or makes a comment
that criticizes that particular kind of music. You start to feel
a tightening in your belly and somehow you like the person a
little less than before they said they did not enjoy your
particular taste of music. You feel as if the person has
criticized you or done something to hurt you. You emotionally
pull away. A few days or few weeks later, the relationship ends.
You conclude that the problem is with the other person and so
you go from relationship to relationship hoping to find somebody
who will love you for who you are. Or you conclude that love
hurts and resolve to live peacefully alone. Or worse still - you
conclude that love hurts and stay in a relationship that is
unfulfilling.
A lot of books and advice on intimate relationships tell couples
that in order to stay in love they should practice certain
words, activities or behaviours. But as many are finding out,
love is more than giving the appearance of love. Over time the
relationship stagnates. Couples become bored. Deep feelings of
resentment and anger accumulate. Both couples feel the other
person let them down because they weren't fulfilled. And a
relationship with great potential ends up in divorce despite all
the communication advice and/or counselling.
No one plans to fall out of love, but it happens, and when it
does, it hurts. When you are operating from a place of old
defensive reactions, fears and insecurities you will react to
experiences such as these as "mistakes" and the people who push
your buttons as "bad" and will shut down to the possibility of
love. But when you are operating from a place of conscious
intent, thought, talk and action, you will see these experiences
as opportunities to examine why you react the way you react to
people and situations. You will have the insight to see the
other person's contribution to the expansion and evolving of
your life.
It's not love that hurts - it is when you keep repeating your
patterns and being reminded that you need to learn something
about your emotional and mental programming that hurts. And
because you've mentally imprisoned and emotionally isolated
yourself from yourself and from others, other people will find
it really hard to get through to you.
How many walls do you have built around your heart? Do your
walls have labels on the doors like "there are no good men",
"all men are cheats" "all women are manipulative", "the women I
am attracted to can never be attracted to me", "it is impossible
to find love", "everyone is trying to get something off me and
yet give nothing back", "life sucks" "love hurts" etc. "How does
it feel hiding behind those walls? Does part of you wish you
knew how to come out and not get hurt again? Are there people in
your life who are trying to love you but you are pushing them
away?
Many of us have spent so many years behind our walls that it
seems easier to stay shut down than risk to open up. Each time
we fall in love or meet a wonderful man or woman, we feel
excited but underneath that excitement is a deep concern and
even fear. Will this relationship also end up the same way? Will
I be hurt again? What will I do? Will I survive the pain this
time?
When it comes to love, it all comes down up to you. You have the
freedom to chose whether or not you want a relationship and you
have the freedom to chose how that relationship with be. You
can't blame your parents, your childhood or society for your
inability to have successful relationships because you are the
only one who has the power to do something to change who you
attract, how you date and love, and how loving, exciting,
intimate and committed your relationship can be. Love is up to
you!
Unfortunately, when you don't know how to consciously reprogram
the patterns in your relationships and create the results you
want, you end up making the same mistake over and over again.
There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you can
set yourself free from the past, not only the long ago past but
the hurts even as recent as yesterday, and let yourself progress
unburdened into love and a fulfilling relationship.
The bad news is that the old defensive reactions, fears and
insecurities you have within you will prevent you from taking
the necessary steps to free yourself. What if it doesn't work?
What if this is just another ploy to coax you from behind your
walls only to be deceived again?
It is perfectly normal for you to think this way and it is not
because something is wrong with you - it is just the way it is.
It is all up to you!