The Alchemy of Real Romance
When you connect with and experience your own feelings while, at
the same time, taking in the feelings of the one you love, you
are walking straight into the open heartspace of real romance,
into the special connections you make with one another, whether
small and subtle or grand and brilliant.
The following story from our own courtship reveals much about
the fear we all have of being truly intimate and surrendering to
love. It also tells of the real romance that's available
whenever you open yourself and let someone in -- even when
limited by your own fears and resistance.
Jim: After we'd known each other little more than a month, we
decided to spend Easter day in Laguna Beach. Judith drove.
During the hour-long drive, I turned to her and said, "I'd like
to know how you feel about me."
Judith: I was taken back. And excited. After all, I was the
psychologist and the female, I was supposed to be the one who
was more emotionally skilled. Yet it was Jim who was taking this
dive into deeper emotional waters.
I wanted to give him an honest answer, but I wasn't ready to
reveal too much. So, I said, "Well, I think the best way to say
it is that I'm starting to find fault with you." What I meant
was that the intimacy between us had developed to a point I was
uncomfortable with, and it frightened me. But, instead of living
with my fear, I slipped back into an old pattern of
fault-finding as a way of keeping the intimacy at a comfortable
distance.
Jim: After giving some thought to her remark I said, "If I hear
you correctly, I should take that as a compliment." I felt what
she was doing and knew it had nothing to do with faults and
everything to do with intimacy.
She was impressed. "Yes," she replied, with a shy, embarrassed
smile. "You should."
That's one of the most cherished moments of our early
relationship. Yet, it's not difficult to imagine what a disaster
it could have been.
To fully receive the love you desire, don't act out some fiction
of how you think it's supposed to be. If you do you'll just be
swept away by the fake drama of your imaginings, and you'll lose
any possibility for real intimacy. The heart and soul of real
romance is all about being honest in the moment. Express
yourself as well as you possibly can, with respect and
appreciation for your limitations and excellence and the
imperfection and grace of being human.
Real romance is an example of practical spirituality. You don't
have to leap beyond this life to get what you want. Quite the
contrary. You can have it by standing squarely at the center of
who and what you are, with respect and pride, power and
humility, personal authority and the wisdom to know that you are
a living daily testament to the complexity, fullness and
sacredness of life.
When we value life on earth and celebrate love on earth, the
full breadth of who we are becomes conscious, and we are able to
lovingly connect with one another.
When you feel accepted for who you actually are -- for who you
know yourself to be -- you feel at home. You are alive, not as
an instrument or a prop to be manipulated for pleasure or pain,
but as a sacred expression of life, unique only to you.
(Excerpted from The New Intimacy, Health Communications Inc.)