Recovering from Romantic Fantasy
Chances are you never thought you needed to be rescued from
romance. In fact, you probably feel you need more romance in
your life, not less. The truth is that most hearts are broken in
the painful difference between the possibility of real romance
and the insistence on the fantasy of romance -- with the real
thing taking the loss.
Recovering from romantic fantasy is based on your willingness to
accept who you and your partner are -- without deceit, without
drama, without all of the false puffery so many of us put around
our images of love, relationship and intimacy. Recovering from
romantic fantasy does not mean living without it. It means you
will have, perhaps for the first time in your life, the chance
to experience reality-based romance that is meaningful,
fulfilling, passionate and can actually help create a
relationship you can trust and delight in. This kind of romance
-- real romance -- can fill your soul with the feeling and
knowledge that you are loved for who you are, just as you are,
and it can inspire you to love deeply and fully in return.
What can you expect should you decide to recover from swept-away
romantic fantasy? Here's an example.
Judith: One evening, we bought a special pie for a friend, to
thank him for a favor he'd done for us. It was a
strawberry-banana cream pie with a collar of sculpted whip cream
around the top. Careful not to tip it, Jim set it on the floor
of the car behind the driver's seat and we made our way home.
The day had been particularly difficult for Jim, and he was
feeling raw and vulnerable. When we got home, he picked up the
pie and the box caught on the edge of the seat, tumbled over and
landed top down. It was that kind of day. He looked to me and
timidly said, "Maybe it'll be okay." He opened the box and the
pie, of course, was demolished, more like
strawberry-banana-cream porridge. Jim slumped.
I was angry that the pie had fallen and shocked when Jim
announced it might have survived intact. I knew better. How
could he not have? But, more importantly, I knew Jim was
suffering. I understood what he was going through. So, I put my
arm around him and told him, "It's a mess, isn't it? I'm so
sorry..... Let's get another one later."
It was a moment of real romance that left both of us feeling
whole and human, compassionate and connected, loved and loving.
In contrast to the grandiosity of romantic fantasy, we were just
in our garage with a fallen pie, and yet we both experienced a
sense of grace and beauty and a special bond of intimacy.
Can you picture yourself sitting around dreaming up a romantic
fantasy where a dropped pie leads to heartfelt love? Most
people, being honest, would have to say, "No." That's just not
how romance is thought of in our culture. Besides, romantic
fantasy always ends up being punitive. It is contemptuous of
"fallen pies." It's dismissive of human imperfection, derisive
of anything that doesn't reach the lofty heights of romantic
bliss.
Real romance comes from beyond what you already know. It's
spontaneous, unrehearsed and open-hearted. It's about what's
happening in the moment, about the attention and affection
between two people.
When you're open to the heightened awareness of real romance, a
vivid, even ecstatic experience can spring from any unexpected
moment. If you try to hold onto it, you cancel your invitation
for life to catch you off guard and take you into the deepest
places of your heart and soul.
(Excerpted from The New Intimacy, Health Communications Inc.)