Why Do Men Cheat?
In my relationship work, this question is probably the one I
hear most often. It is not an easy question to answer. The usual
glib answer; "because they can", is really not good enough.
People, particularly women, want to know the reason why men
cheat, or more particularly, why their man cheated.
Different women have a different view as to what constitutes
'cheating'. For some women, for the man simply to look at
another woman may be regarded as cheating, for other women it is
being intimate with another person that constitutes 'cheating,
and there are some women who appear able to accept flirting and
even intimacy with another person but it is an emotional
involvement that constitutes 'cheating'.
So let us try first to establish what is 'cheating' and what
might be considered 'normal' behaviour in a man. First of all,
there needs to be some degree of commitment and exclusivity
between the two partners, furthermore, this commitment needs to
be understood and agreed by both people. Without this there can
be little question of 'cheating' on behalf of either party.
Obviously, marriage, engagement, living together would
constitute a degree of commitment. Regularly dating for a
period, may also be seen as constituting a commitment. It is
here that the confusion starts to arise for a man may not feel
he is committed to another person until he has said so to her,
for the woman the simple fact that he dates her regularly may be
seen as a sign of commitment.
It is where there is a disagreement as to the level of
commitment involved, that most problems occur. The man may feel
he is free to see another person without it being considered
'cheating' but the woman (his first partner) would be more
likely to consider it cheating.
Also, there is a degree to which a man separates the physical
act of lovemaking from the emotional attachment to another
person. A man is able to perform the physical act without
becoming emotionally attached to the woman. A man may often cite
that a fling or an affair was 'purely physical' and that it does
not mean that he is not now physically and emotionally attracted
to his first partner. For a man, this is often true and is not
simply an excuse. However, the woman is likely to view the
situation differently.
Very often, a woman who suspects her man of cheating wants some
evidence or proof of it. This is often to satisfy and
corroborate her belief. However, the woman often has not thought
through what she would do if the evidence became proof of her
man's infidelity.
For the woman, proof of her man's cheating brings emotional hurt
and anger. It will often also bring about feelings of distress,
loss of self esteem and a feeling that she was to blame. This
creates a dilemma for the woman; should she try to repair the
relationship out of belief that somehow she has been to blame
for his infidelity or should she end the relationship acting out
of anger or emotional distress? The emotional consequences of a
man's cheating are not usually apparent to the man, certainly
not prior to his act of cheating. It is only afterwards that a
man may have some feelings of guilt. However, if he is not found
out, then these may subside and the man comes to believe that he
can get away with the cheating. Even so, if he tries to continue
and to get away with his cheating, he still knows that at some
point he is likely to be found out. At this point, it can become
a contest, how far can he go without being found out?
To some men, having many partners is seen as a symbol of their
status. Even when in a committed relationship, they may think
they have a need to boost their status, esteem or ego by
cheating. The loss of love, affection and support as a result of
a simple thrill, does not occur to them until too late.
In their hearts and minds, men know that cheating is wrong, yet
often their egos, their physical needs and, quite simply, the
temptations overrule their hearts and minds.
So has this article answered the thorny question of why men
cheat? Probably not. This is a complex issue and the causes or
reasons will vary from instance to instance. No one can tell you
unequivocally why your man may have cheated, not even your man
himself.
In such circumstances what you, the two of you, have to decide
is whether you want to repair the relationship or end it.