The Secret of the Void
All Alone in Here
Several years ago I had a quiet but intense experience at the
wedding of a close friend. I was early, and as I sat at my table
I watched the other guests entering the room. One came in
elated, dancing like a performer on stage. Another was
withdrawn, inward, as if mulling over some sadness or pain. Some
were eating, some talking, some laughing and some sitting
quietly.
But what I saw - with an almost painful intensity - was that
each one of us, no matter what we were doing or with whom we
were doing it, was essentially in our own world. Not necessarily
lonely, but alone, our thoughts, longings, our selves on some
core level separate from everyone around us.
Once, many years ago, my four-year-old cousin was standing in
the living room with her mother and grandmother when she
suddenly burst out, "I'm all alone in here!" When her mother
hastened to reassure her that they were right there with her in
the room, she responded, "No, in here. I'm all alone in here."
Every human being experiences this essential aloneness.
Sometimes we're not aware of it at all, and sometimes the
awareness, like it was for my little cousin, is profound. But
whatever the case, it's always there.
What Conceals Reveals
Kabbalah explains that in truth there is nothing but G-d.
Everything that exists, whether physical or spiritual, is simply
a highly limited expression of its Creator, somewhat like each
of your thoughts and actions is a little expression of you.
The infinite light of G-d, as its name implies, is overwhelming,
filling every space. Left unmuted, this all-encompassing light
would make it impossible for anything else to exist, just like a
ray of light cannot exist as a separate entity within the body
of the sun. So, in order to allow for Creation in all of its
limitless details and forms, G-d had to conceal His own infinite
light. This concealment, known as tzimtzum, is what enables us
to be. And more, it allows us to experience ourselves as real,
solid, and the center of our universe.
This 'Big Lie" - this core illusion of aloneness and solidity -
is what allows us to exist as separate and unique human beings.
In its raw, unrectified state, it cuts us off from the truth.
But ultimately we are destined to see through the walls,
transcend the illusion, and fulfill our potential as uniquely
magnificent expressions of the Divine.
The Sound of the Void
The illusion is powerful, but not total. If we were completely
cut off from an awareness of what lies beyond, chances are we
would be perfectly content. There would be no reason to question
ourselves or our existence, no drive to continuously experience
more.
But we are not cut off completely. A glimmer of the Infinite
light from before Creation surrounds and permeates each person
who walks this earth. This light is what gives us the profound
sense that there is something else out there. Only the something
doesn't always feel like an actual something. It often feels
like something missing - a void.
This void, this missing, hovers at the edge of our
consciousness, threatening our comfortable sense of solidity and
bringing with it an essential longing for.... well, for
something. Something more.
This sensation of something missing is actually the glimmer of
something that is there, but too vast and amazing to be
perceived by our ordinary senses. But as physical beings in a
physical world, we are not naturally inclined to relate to it in
this esoteric way. In fact, the non-physical all too often makes
us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, instead of slowly
allowing our eyes to adjust to this more subtle light, we avoid
the experience altogether, or seek to fill the void with
physical things.
The subtle awareness of the void pulls us relentlessly toward
the next high, the next success, the more exciting relationship,
the bigger, flashier toy. The feelings it triggers - like
sadness, depression, anxiety or dissatisfaction - drive us to
eat too much, drink too much, work too much, spend too much,
need too much; in short, whatever it takes to avoid facing the
threatening insubstantiality of it all.
But, as uncomfortable and threatening as it can feel, if you are
willing to face the discomfort, to stop running and listen, you
can begin to explore the secret of the void, to expand your
ability to see and hear things that lie outside your normal
range.
Like a beautiful dream whose impression lingers, like a song
that stirs memories and feelings from long ago, like a perfume
that lingers faintly in the air, the music of the void can stir
forgotten memories and open your heart. It can speak to you of
where you came from, where you are destined to go and who you
are destined to be.
A Deeper Level of Life
In Hebrew, each letter of the alphabet has a gematria, a
numerical equivalent. Whenever the letters of one word are
numerically equivalent to the letters of a different word, it
points to a secret relationship between the two.
It is fascinating to know that the Hebrew word for void,
challal, is exactly numerically equivalent to the word chaim,
which means life.
The message is simple. In being willing to embrace the
vulnerability, to stop running away and instead stay present and
expand your ability to see, you can begin to reconnect with what
has been concealed from you, the part of you that is most truly
and infinitely alive.
Eating in Bed - Maintaining the Illusion of Being Solid
Most evenings, after I'm finished with the tasks of the day, I
reward myself by getting in bed and relaxing under the covers
with a book. It feels secure and cozy, reassuringly solid and
safe. And to further enhance the comforting feeling I almost
always take a little bedtime snack with me. In fact, I sometimes
take more than one.
I've been doing this for many years, and, as is the case with
most deeply ingrained habits, I've become more than a little
attached to it.
Recently I decided to give it up. I stopped eating in bed, and
in doing so I discovered that my comforting habit had been
covering up the sound of the void. The perceptions and
sensations I began to experience were not necessarily
comfortable. In fact, new, bigger things rarely are. But they
were rewarding and profound.
As physical beings, we are primed to seek permanence and
stability. But the bad news - the paradoxical news - is that
physical things are inherently unstable and impermanent. Coming
face to face with this fact can be scary. It can feel, indeed,
like hovering over a dark and formless void. It's important to
remember that this darkness is really a much vaster and more
brilliant form of light - one that's simply too great for our
senses to contain.
Many of us spend our lives attempting to block it out, to run
from the darkness, or to create stability and solidity by
clinging to things that are intrinsically unstable. This,
however, does nothing to change the darkness, nor to expand our
capacity to see. We remain trapped in a world of struggle and
illusion. But if, instead, we train our eyes, bit by bit, to see
the concealed light, to hear the subtle music, we can begin to
set ourselves free - and to use this freedom to make a
difference in our own lives and in the lives of those around us.
Do You Eat in Bed?
Whether you eat in bed or not, I am certain that there are
things you do to block out the discomfort of the void. Maybe you
eat or drink or work or sleep too much. Or maybe you take solace
in having very strong opinions, in making yourself feel bigger
and more solid by being right, criticizing, blaming or
complaining. Maybe you try to lose yourself in a relationship,
or maybe you avoid the vulnerability that an intimate
relationship brings.
Whatever it is that you do - every now and then, just don't.
Instead, let yourself be open to something - anything - that
challenges the way you've seen things till now. Going without
that extra cookie, that glass of wine, or the need to prove your
point might bring up feelings or perceptions that have something
important to tell you. Giving up a protective habit is one of
the most powerful ways to expand your capacity to see and hear
what the habit is covering up. So listen and learn - or better
yet, do something that reflects a new, higher way of being.
Maybe you can let yourself be vulnerable to someone else where
you'd normally be defensive, to really listen rather than
defend. Or maybe you can take an hour away from work to sit with
your children and smile into their eyes, without having to
accomplish anything at all. Learn some Torah, give some charity,
or take a few minutes to open your heart to your Creator. These
things bring more Divine light into the darkness and expand your
ability to experience that light in your everyday life.