Lonely No More
Loneliness is the absence of self. Solitude is fullness of self.
--May Sarton
When you feel lonely, it seems that loneliness is the truth of
your whole existence. You may have experienced love and friendly
camaraderie just yesterday, but now it seems you must have been
kidding yourself. Today's loneliness, because it's so familiar,
seems to be the only reality. It must be real, you think,
because it hurts so much. But although loneliness is so very
painful, it's not real at all.
Loneliness is only fear in disguise. It's a fear of not being
connected to anything or anyone. Here in the present moment, you
are always okay. Even if you feel disconnected, that's just a
feeling. You are okay. What makes you hurt is the fear that
you'll never feel connected again. What makes you hurt is that
you're living in the future, which disconnects you from yourself
right now.
The proof of this is that loneliness is not about your
situation. It can happen when you're in a room full of people.
In fact, when the voice of fear gets your attention in a room
full of people, you'll have one of the loneliest experiences
there is. There are six billion people on this planet. Feeling
alone is not about the absence or presence of other people. It's
about you being present for your own life.
You may be the only person in the room while you're reading
these words, yet not feel lonely at all. That's because you are
engaged in the moment, focused on what's right in front of you,
so you are connected to yourself. As long as you stay in the
moment, you get a reprieve from fear. And you and I are
communicating, which means we are sharing an experience of
communion. When you enjoy a walk at a state park, you may not
see another person for miles, yet you can enjoy knowing that you
are an integral part of the natural order.
Many of us think we are hurting because of loneliness, and we
think that if we find the right person, he or she will take us
to a place called love. But I have a friend who says that the
trick is to switch that around. There's nothing wrong with
wanting friendship and romance, but it won't take you anywhere.
You must first go to the place of Love, and meet the people who
- like you - are already there.
So how do you go to that place of Love? You behave like someone
who is in love. You sing to yourself in the shower. You take
wonderful care of yourself. You look for opportunities to be of
service to other people, because you realize that brings you
happiness. You don't sit around waiting for others to do for
you, but you graciously allow them to give to you, because you
know it adds to their happiness.
You become willing to believe that you not only have all the
love you need. You are the love you're looking for. Believing
that is not an intellectual exercise. It's an experience.
Ironically, the best way to court that experience is to spend
some time alone every day, meditating on the truth that love is
here now, that you are in love, and that you are love.