Forgiveness
We hear so much about forgiveness, in our churches, on Oprah, in
new age magazines, but do we truly understand what the big deal
about forgiveness is? We read that if we forgive others and
ourselves we are doing our spiritual work and becoming better
people, but what does that mean to us? You can forgive that guy
you dated a while back until you run into him someplace and then
you want to wreak revenge on him. You can forgive your parents
for your horrible childhood but as soon as you get on the phone
with your Dad you are arguing just like you always have. So,
what good is forgiveness anyway?
The key to forgiveness is to forgive from the heart, not from
the mind. Knowing in your rational mind that your parents did
the best they could to raise you is not enough to constitute
forgiveness. That is why every time you are with your Dad you
still argue. If you really forgave him you would not be reacting
that way. You would have compassion for his dream and understand
that he is just expressing his point of view. If you truly let
go of the pain of your childhood, your self-importance, and your
need to be right about your point of view, you would not be
taking him personally any more. If you were not taking him
personally you would not be angry and it would not be necessary
to punish him by behaving like an angry child. It behooves us to
look at ourselves with honesty and objectivity. You can say you
have forgiven someone in your life, but the proof is in the
pudding.
If you have an emotional reaction in the presence of someone,
your heart is telling you that you have not resolved your issues
with them. In other words, you have not truly forgiven that
person. All of this begs the question, how do we forgive? First,
cease lying to yourself and stop telling yourself stories about
why you behave the way you do. Stop blaming your behavior on
other people and take responsibility for your emotional
reactions. If you could forgive all the people in your life who
have hurt or wounded you it would be possible to be in control
of your behavior instead of being in reaction to other people
all of the time. Imagine living life without experiencing a
constant emotional rollercoaster of pain, anger, and jealousy!
That would be bliss!
The important thing is to have awareness of what has transpired
and be able to tell yourself the truth about it. Have you truly
forgiven or has your rational mind been telling you a story that
you have? Once you have determined what is truth and what is a
justification, you are ready for the next step. Second, look at
your life with clarity. Try to see what happened in your past,
not only from your point of view, but also from the other
person's point of view. We need to be able to walk in the other
persons shoes to understand why things happened the way they
did. That doesn't mean you have to agree with what they did or
how they did it. Not at all. Your values and beliefs may be very
different from theirs. All this means is that you can see the
whole truth of what happened and the whole truth encompasses all
points of view, not just your own.
Take some time to listen to how you tell the story of your life.
Perhaps it would be helpful to journal the story of a particular
time in your life that you have been challenged by. Listen to
what you have written. Does it sound like you were victimized by
your circumstances? Be objective, if someone heard your story
would they say someone did you wrong, that you are resentful,
vengeful and angry? If so, this is your first clue that you are
seeing things from only one point of view. Why? Well, if you
felt like someone hurt you then obviously you took the other
persons actions personally. You assumed you knew why they did
what they did according to your point of view and your beliefs
about their words or actions. Chances are that your
interpretation of what the other person did or said was not what
the other person had in mind when they interacted with you. The
key is to imagine what happened from their point of view.
If I say that my husband cheated on me and ruined our marriage
and hurt me, I am only telling part of the story. What about my
responsibility for my half of the relationship? It is doubtful
that I was a vision of loveliness throughout the entire
marriage. I had to contribute half of that relationship because
all relationships take the contribution of both parties. When I
can see both sides clearly, and have compassion for my husband,
I can forgive him. But if I am attached to my victim point of
view and blame everything on him, forgiveness will never come.
Chances are I will bring my anger and resentment into my next
relationship as well. This scenario applies to all human
interactions in our lives. Rape, physical, emotional and mental
abuse, cheating, violence, etc... are all included. Yes, even
what we judge to be the most heinous of human activities can be
forgiven.
Seeing things with the eyes of truth means that you stop judging
the activities of others and, instead, take responsibility for
your interpretation of those activities. It means being
responsible for how you write the story of what happened. I
could say yes, my husband cheated on me in our marriage but,
gosh, I was not aware of how my actions impacted our situation.
We both had a lot to learn from that relationship. I am glad I
can see what happened clearly and have gratitude for the
opportunity to grow and become a better person. even if it hurt
pretty badly for a while. The key word here is gratitude! We
judge everything that happens in life as good or bad, right or
wrong. The truth is life just happens, and life is exactly as it
is. As long as we are always judging others and life situations
according to our point of view, we will never be able to have
gratitude for the challenges and experiences life sends our way.
No matter how enlightened a person you may be, things will
always happen in life. People you love will die, relationships
will come and go, the stock market will crash and rise, your car
may be totaled but, if you have gratitude for life's challenges,
you will always be writing a beautiful happy story of your life!
Even better, you will never feel victimized by your
circumstances.
You may think I am living my life in a fairy tale, but I assure
you I'm not. We have been domesticated to process our life in a
certain way. If you don't believe me just watch one soap opera
on TV. Everyone is stressed out, creating drama, having
emotional outbursts, screaming and arguing, defending their
points of view, and generally creating a life of misery! Soap
operas are popular because they mimic our lives. I am suggesting
a different way of perceiving life, one without judgment and
with the ability to see the points of view of other people and
to see beliefs other than your own. One where you take
responsibility for your mind and what it thinks and, as a result
of this internal chatter, how you choose to react to any
situation. When you can truly see the other person's point of
view then you can forgive from the heart. True compassion of the
human experience is the place from which forgiveness begins.
Compassion is an act of love that is free of attachment. Of
course, the kind of love I am talking about is unconditional
love.
Once you have seen the truth you must make the decision to let
go of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on
to. This requires you to take action. If you are attached to
your pain, resentment, and self-righteousness, and addicted to
your emotional reactions, this will be a difficult step for you.
Taking action requires letting go of the very thing you have
been holding on to for so many years. There is comfort in what
we find familiar, even if we are experiencing pain and
suffering. The pain and suffering itself becomes the familiarity
we seek. It takes absolute faith in yourself plus courage, will,
and discipline to let go. But once you let go, it will as if the
weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders. In this
process it is important to forgive not just the others in our
lives, but also ourselves. For most people, giving ourselves the
gift of forgiveness is very challenging.
* Forgive yourself for using people in your life to hurt
yourself.
* Forgive yourself for not having clarity, for blaming others,
and for not taking responsibility for your actions.
* Forgive yourself for wounding others and for the anger,
jealousy, and hate you directed toward others.
* Forgive yourself for participating in situations that went
against your integrity.
* Forgive yourself for not respecting yourself.
* Forgive yourself for not trusting yourself and having faith in
your abilities.
* Forgive yourself for trying to control the people you love.
* And, of course, forgive yourself for not loving yourself 100%
just the way you are!
More than once my teacher, don Miguel Ruiz, said "In order to
merge with spirit your heart must be as light as a feather."
Well, when you have finally detached from the anger, resentment,
and pain of your story your heart will feel as light as a
feather. Not only that, but for the first time in your adult
life you will be happy, truly happy, and your life will reflect
the change back to you in every way. After all what we think in
our minds is what manifests in our lives! The bottom line is
that we forgive because we love ourselves so much that we want
to give ourselves the gift of personal freedom. We forgive not
because the other person necessarily deserves it, but because we
do not want to carry that load around until we die. Anger, hate,
and jealousy will make you old, resentful and ugly, inside and
out. The question is, how much do you love and respect yourself?
Is it enough to give yourself the gift of forgiveness? I hope
so.