Editorial: Dear Red States
Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country,
and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you
aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get
Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We
get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red
states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is
22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch
of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be
aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq,
and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend
our resources in Bush's Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand,
we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh
water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry,
most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias
and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard,
Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the
other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese
Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of
all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get
Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of
those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by
a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're
discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are
people with higher morals than we lefties. Peace out, Blue States
http://www.blackholenews.com