Christmas Meltdowns
Well, it's December 1st and I just had my first one. I've
started playing Christmas Carols and was fine until I head the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir and NY Philharmonic do "Once in Royal
David's City."
My 21 year old son died several years ago. When he was little,
and looked like a Boticelli cherub, and the voice of surely an
Italian angelo, he sang in the Boys' Choir. One year, they gave
a Christmas concert in the Chapel at Trinity University, and
came in singing "Once in Royal David's City," as the
processional.
Ok. So, first meltdown over.
The next one is likely to be around "Hallelujah Chorus." I love
the pomp and circumstance, love Handel, love that you stand when
it plays, and I have two memories around it. One, when my Dad
was dying, we sat together in the living room and he, with his
formerly operatic bass voice, stood, when he could hardly sit,
and sang along with it. And then, we played it at the beginning
of my son's Memorial Service.
There will be other meltdowns.
Have you had your first one yet? Or 3rd, 10th, or 20th? Or have
you shut down, behaving like a Scrooge, because you'd rather be
numb, foregoing pleasure so you don't have to feel pain? Law of
physics of emotions: Shut one down, you shut them all down.
Or has someone else had one. There was a big blowup in Tamara's
office first thing Monday morning. Her husband is a minister
whose job becomes mega stressful at Christmas, and it had gotten
to her, so she passed it on, yelling at someone.
Work escalates in some business, churches for instance. It's
also where people show up who aren't welcome, can't afford, or
who have worn out their welcome at the offices of therapists,
psychiatrists, counselors, and even family.
And of course that's why I manage my meltdowns. Nobody wants to
hear, can bear to hear about a dead child at Christmas time. So
I save it. I have my meltdowns at home. (However, if yours
aren't manageable, something you will innately know, please seek
help from a mental health professional.)
THE ANATOMY OF A MELTDOWN
WHO
Who is likely to have one?
1. Any of us, any time we get too tired, too overwrought, too
hungry, too lonely, to stressed. We will focus on a certain
loss, usually, but the meltdown has to do with emotional
management.
2. Young women who feel they must put on Christmas and do it
alone. It amounts to another full-time job, the hubby doesn't
help, resentment and fatigue build, this makes the kids act out
because emotions are contagious. It's closed loop with a
downward trajectory.
3. Men whose wives are "out of control." Most men would just as
soon emotional outbursts "go away," particularly such things as
tears from their wives, and children having tantrums, either of
which can be encouraged to appear when there's been too much
sugar, and too little sleep. Wife-beaters will find ample
self-justification when there's over-spending, missed
appointments, their wives and kids aren't "listening" - "lip"
from the wife, attitude" from his teen, and the baby (affected
of course) is "being a cry baby." Of course women are not immune
from violent behavior either when there's low emotional
intelligence (including impulse control and anger management.)
4. The vulnerable. The young, the old, the sick and the weak.
The young child whose parents have divorced since last Christmas
may start wetting the bed again, failing school, sucking his
thumb, eating too much or too little, throwing more tantrums or
refusing to speak at school. The aged widower may withdraw,
falling asleep in his chair at the dinner table, or express the
depression in agitation - being cranky and nasty. 5. The
Helpers. Therapists', counselors', psychiatrists', ministers'
and rabbis' office fill up. And your whiny little sister who's
40, comes to your "office" calling you all day with her
problems. If you're the Helper take care of yourself. Try a
coach, for instance. While my practice stays robust over the
holidays, coaching clients are healthy, and good copers, and
usually one focused phone call for clarity suffices.
6. The Helped. The origin of the phrase "no good deed goes
unpunished" must have originated from people with traumas or
crises who are coping as well as can be expected, but someone is
hounding them, hovering over them, trying to fix them, or
smothering them. This is particularly stressful for introverts,
who are able to heal alone. If someone's violating boundaries,
no matter what their motivation, set yours. (Call for coaching
if you're confused.) When my first son was born, my husband was
an intern and the first two days, all his friends came to see me
and the baby, being immune from hospital visitation rule Finally
I shut the door, put a sign on it, and got the rest I needed.
And THESE days, anyone sick enough to actually be in a hospital,
needs their rest. 7. Anyone who neglects their physical health
and immune system. When the weather gets cold, wet, or both,
viruses hover around. Our FIRST line of defense against bacteria
is our immune system. It is our ONLY line of defense against
viruses. Neutraceuticals such as DefenseBuilder or Get Well
Soon, Dietary Supplemen (scientifically proven to nutritionally
support your immune syste), plus rest, exercise, and fresh air
can help you keep your equilibrium. When we're physically ill,
we likely to be more emotionally volatile.
WHAT
Anything can start a meltdown, because it begins with our
internal chemistry and thoughts. It's how we react to something
external. It's environmental - including our internal
environment, so take care of yourself with that are
pure so they don't add to the toxins, and scientifically
proven to nutritionally support your immune system like Arbonne products.
WHEN
Holidays. Night time. When we're tired, or irritated (noises,
room termperature, clothing), tension of any sort - sexual,
emotional, mental, physical. After the height of emotion in the
opposite direction, because our bodies want what's called
"homeostasis." If you get "too happy," expect to be "too sad"
quite soon. Therefore many of us who know emotional
intelligence, choose to stay in the middle most of the time,
because we don't like the swings, and don't think the "good" is
worth the "bad." Do you?
WHY
Because all the ingredients are there this time of year that
cause emotional turmoil. Memories, thoughts, feelings,
reconnecting with people we don't like or resent, too much to
do, guilt, shame, blame, it's all there. Throw in parties with
liquor, sugar, and late hours, and you add another layer of
"Recipe for Meltdown."
Also because you don't regulate what can be regulated, such as
turning off the television, turning off the music, refusing some
parties, not exchanging gifts (but love instead), and so forth.
WHERE
Anywhere. Some people believe meltdowns should be in the privacy
of the home, with intimates, with paid professionals, or always
in private. Others believe tears are tears, and are able to
experience anger without lashing out at others, or damaging
themselves or others, but rather connecting and getting comfort
and sympathy.
If you feel yourself getting into overwhelm, stop, look and
listen. Who's driving this train? You are. Learning
emotional intelligence allows you to understand and manage the
emotions better.
One of the goals I have for my emotional intelligence clients is
to get there (negatives states) less often and slower,
experience it lighter and shorter, get out of it faster, and get
over it quicker.
I'm sure you know what I mean!
Music can be very healing as well as disturbing. Check out Club Vivo Per Lei /
I Live for Music for beauty, enjoyment and helpful ideas;
and the Replay
Store, for gently used courses on music, philosophy and the arts
(part of emotional intelligence) taught by some of the best
teachers in the US.