Authenticity in Action
The other day I was sitting with a group of people at an
informal picnic. As I chatted with the man next to me, our
attention was drawn to a woman a few tables away who was telling
a story. "Look how animated her face is!" the man commented.
And, indeed, her facial expressions reflected her total
involvement in what she was describing. It was impossible not to
be drawn in, too, and I smiled because it was enjoyable just to
watch her.
I thought about my relationship with this particular woman. I
don't know her well, but over the last week I had gotten to know
her better because we were involved in the same volunteer work.
In the past I had been put off at times by what I saw as an "in
your face" style. She was often the center of activity and I had
that feeling that I used to have in high school watching the
"popular" kids. Perhaps I was feeling envious.
But I've been out of high school for a long time, and realized
that she doesn't have the characteristics of self-centered high
school girls. She isn't cruel, or dismissive. She is comfortable
being a leader and directing things, but she is also empathic
and able to relate to people one-on-one, putting them at ease
and helping them feel included.
I realized I was seeing authenticity in action, someone who is
very true to who she is and who doesn't alter her behavior to
suit others. In her case, she is extroverted and outgoing and
draws people to her like a magnet.
Wouldn't we all like to be that authentic? Why are we afraid to
let ourselves be seen like that? Here's what I observed about
her.
Characteristics of an authentic person:
* She expresses herself spontaneously, i.e. she doesn't unduly
censor her thoughts and wait 5 minutes to say something (long
after the opportunity has passed!) * She isn't afraid or
hesitant to address people she doesn't know. * She is friendly
and drawn to others. * She is curious about people and asks
questions. * She looks people in the eye when she speaks to
them. * She doesn't hold back; when she needs to say something,
she says it. * She is present - you get the sense that she is
right there with you, not preoccupied or distracted. * She goes
out of her way to help others. * If she has an inkling that she
had gone too far, she checks in with others to verify that, and
makes amends if necessary.
You might have other characteristics that you would put on this
list. To be authentic, you don't have to be exactly like this
person, i.e. you don't have to turn yourself into an extrovert
or be the life of the party. But you do need to tune in, be true
to yourself, and be willing to express yourself.
How do you do that? People in recovery often come from families
with addictions, and as such we have modified our behaviors in
particular ways. We are used to reining ourselves in, scanning
the environment to see how we're coming across, ready to tone
ourselves down when necessary. We don't like people to be angry
with us, or to not like us. We'd like to please everyone, if it
were humanly possible.
The advice that a psychiatrist gave me, in a recovery group for
ACAs, was to err on the side of being uncomfortable. In other
words, my sense of what I could say and what I couldn't was so
flawed that he encouraged me just to speak out--and even with
that I probably wouldn't be as outspoken as the "normal" person!
If we just start by stepping out more, taking a chance by saying
something, tolerating the discomfort we might feel by being more
visible, then over time we can learn to hone our new skills.
And the odd thing is, when we show who we truly are - warts and
all - without hiding important parts of ourselves, we tend to
attract other people to us. Authenticity has a way of engaging
others, rather than being off-putting.