Why You Behave in Ways You Hate
And What You Can Do About It
People tell me over and over how "impossible" it seems to change
their unwanted attitudes and that they have "no idea" why this
is. If you're reading this book, clearly you want to make
changes in your life. If you want these changes to last, you'll
need to understand the how and why of guilt and resentment. How
things you experienced in dealing with your parents and siblings
created self-defeating patterns in you. Why these very same
self-defeating patterns keep you from functioning as well as you
can, or from being the person you'd like to be. All the
willpower you have and the new year's resolutions you make will
not help you function better or assist you in becoming the
person you truly do want to be. Why? Because long after you've
left your family, your childhood patterns continue to show up
and impose themselves in your adult life.
Ever heard the joke about the young man who calls his mother
and asks her how she's feeling? With a moan, she replies, "Oh, I
haven't been doing well at all." "What's wrong, Mom?" he asks.
"Well, I haven't eaten for thirty days." "How come?" She
replies, "Because I didn't want to have my mouth full in case
you called."
Why do we laugh at that joke? Because it makes it easier for us
to think about unpleasant experiences with our parents,
experiences we've all had and that may have had a negative
impact on our emotions and behavior. In that particular joke,
the young man's mother makes him feel guilty for not calling
more often by showing him how hurt she is. Imagine the impact on
the man in the joke if his mother had treated him this way from
childhood on up. Maybe he'd feel guilty about not being
attentive enough to her. And maybe he'd then go on and live his
life . . . all his dealing with others . . . feeling it was
wrong to put his needs first. Ultimately, he'd end up being
angry with himself for doing just that. Imagine living life this
way.
People often don't give much weight to the impact their
parents' and siblings' guilt-provoking behaviors have on their
lives. Yet, the repeated comments and actions that make us think
that we've wounded and threatened them just by being ourselves
add up to affect us deeply. The joke above, along with its
possible lifelong repercussions, makes us think that we should
give our parents' influence more weight. Your childhood probably
had its share of carefree fun, exploring, risk-taking, sports
challenges, "I dare you's" and "I double-dare you's." But
"carefree fun" can quickly become "guilt-provoking events" when,
for example, your parent cries out "You'll kill yourself!" as
you skateboard down the hill in front your friend's house. Or
"You'll get pneumonia" when you get home from school with your
jacket off and sweater tied around your waist.
Then there's the "You're giving me a heart attack" when you miss
the bus from the mall and get home twenty minutes later than you
said you'd be home. What are the results of these repeated
bombardments of parental anguish? You, the child, start
believing that being carefree, playful, and adventurous,
threatens your parent's emotional well-being. And what do you
do? As a loving child, you try to protect your very worried
parent from more suffering by curtailing your normal childhood
activities. Where does this leave you? Becoming a grown-up with
a very cautious, inhibited attitude about sports specifically
and life generally. And if it is sports you're overly cautious
about, you'll be reluctant to ski, hike, bike; moreover, you'll
have trouble overcoming your caution no matter how frustrated
you feel, how hard you try, and how much you will yourself to
master a sport.
Fact or Fiction? Where There's a Will There's a Way
"Where there's a will there's a way." Sound familiar? Every day
I hear people dismayed at their inability to control some
behavior. And they blame themselves . . . "I can't find a way to
make more money," "I can't figure out how to lose more weight,"
"I can't understand how to have a lasting relationship." You
yourself have probably made a New Year's resolution (or two, or
two thousand) vowing to change something you didn't like about
yourself. And you failed, right? And so you felt frustrated when
you noticed you were repeating the same mistakes over and over
again, and you felt panic-stricken when you realized they were
the same mistakes your parents made. You felt worse knowing
you'd vowed that you'd "be different" than they were when you
grew up. Comedians often make us laugh about "guilt trips" our
parents lay on us. But the truth is, they're no laughing matter.
Their negative effects are long lasting and their
guilt-provoking behaviors hold us back from achieving our
dreams, whatever those dreams may be.
Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for Weight Loss,
Love, Career and Parenting by Irwin Gootnick, M.D. (Penmarin Books, May 2006).