Trust: Why Do We Need It?
We place so much emphasis on trust! "I trusted him and he
backstabbed me." "She cannot be trusted." Usually statements
like these are uttered with very strong emotions. Then, from
where does trust originate and why do we break each other's
trust? All our questions and observations on the matter make us
realize the importance of trust, because the essential mechanism
under all relationships must depend on trust.
Solitary individuals do not need trust. Maybe a person may trust
the night to be dark only because of its repeating pattern, but
this type of trust is not reciprocal. The night doesn't need to
trust the individual; it is just there. Trust only happens
between two or more self-aware people, groups of people and also
nations or groups of nations.
Gaining trust is a reward for responsible behavior and an
indication of cooperation. It is said, "Trust is earned." For
trust to establish between people, recognition skills of
behavioral patterns are needed. Trust goes hand in hand with
cooperation and respect and is strengthened through the test of
time. If it weren't for respect and cooperation, how could we
trust each other?
In human endeavors, even the most altruistic actions and
nurturing behavior stem from the ego of the doer. A mother
nurtures her child because her ego is stroked by the title of
being a mother and she wants to be proud of the work she will do
with that child. In return, a child faced with repeated patterns
of nurturing develops a capacity for trust. Only, when trust is
betrayed, recognition of the broken pattern and the acceptance
of a new pattern take place. That is why children who have been
wronged repeatedly lack the capacity to trust. The same goes for
adults. If an adult has been repeatedly wronged and taken for a
ride, say in financial matters, he is very careful with his
money even where his best friends are concerned. From our
comfort zone, our human mind and understanding makes us
construct a defense against betrayal and defection from the
norm. Once our trust is broken we take our steps with heightened
awareness.
Unfortunately, developing a trust-relationship is the first step
of various crimes. Gaining a victim's trust, establishing
credibility within an environment, and even creating a
trustworthy environment can be the maneuverings of a
perpetrator. Knowing this, why do we still trust so readily? The
answer is again an egocentric one. We trust because without
trust we could never get cooperation and reciprocity. We may not
trust fully the way our towns work, yet we still put out our
garbage on given days, try to keep our lawns and streets clean,
and act our best in our own neighborhoods. In general, people
who trust have better interpersonal relationships. People who
don't trust tend to be more angry, competitive, and resentful.
A betrayal of trust is difficult for most people to forgive, but
people who can trust are more likely to give someone else a
second chance. Sometimes we may be annoyed by a new friend for
being on the reserved side, but we have to understand that each
individual is so complex and has so many experiences, feelings,
needs, opinions, etc. that he can't possibly reveal all sides of
himself to a new acquaintance. So, he plays a role or at least
shows only parts of his real self. Why does he hide parts of
himself? Why do we all? Probably because of fear of rejection
and our own sensitivity or vulnerability.
>From what we see of each other, we form a concept of each other,
which is usually incomplete and sometimes faulty. If we can
recognize this in ourselves, we can empathize with others and
form trustworthy relationships.
In general, most human interactions are based on a strong and
almost blind trust. People who choose to trust tend to be
happier, better liked by others, and more ethical than less
trusting people. "I'll trust them until they do me wrong" is a
foundation for people who trust freely. When the stakes are
raised higher, trust may be broken. Still, trusting people
forgive readily as soon as they can understand the other
person's problems or what made them deviate from their normal
pattern.
Trusting is another form of giving love, and like all giving, it
comes from overflow. A person can hardly give from emptiness. We
are happier when we deliberately choose to trust. Trust is a
risk to take willingly because it makes people move toward love
and away from fear. For that reason alone, trust is a defense in
itself.