Mindfulness and Stress: Unwrapping Your Package
What triggers stress for you?
Most people think they know exactly what pushes their buttons,
but they're going for the low-hanging fruit. It's the stuff
that's hanging in the hard-to-reach branches that tends to
multiply our feelings of frustration, exhaustion and
disconnection.
One client--let's call him Scott--told me that he knows very
well what causes stress for him: "My boss, the fact that he
won't give me a promotion, and my stack of bills to pay."
Well, isn't that a tidy little package? But here's the problem:
Scott looks at that package and feels that there is nothing he
can do with it-- "I must work with the boss who hates me." "I
must work harder to get a promotion." "I must make more money to
pay my bills." End of story.
When we put our stressors into a package like that, we create an
obstacle--the big box marked "This is my life"--that seems
impossible to change.
That's why we need to shake up that package a bit, unwrap it and
see what's really inside.
In Scott's case, shaking that life package revealed that the
whole "My boss is out to get me" story tended to color his
perception of everything about his job.
The truth was that he loved the work, enjoyed his colleagues,
and felt he was making a difference. However, he didn't feel
appreciated by his boss because he did not get the promotion
he'd expected due to the company's reorganization.
Really, his whole "my boss is ruining my life" concept was a
story he created to avoid looking at the fact that he was
feeling under pressure to make more money to provide for his
family.
Adding fuel to the fire, his young children were getting into
activities--soccer, gymnastics--that required more money and
created more stress for his wife, who acted as chauffeur. Scott
felt he should work longer hours, which meant he missed out on
family dinners and rarely attended his children's activities.
Scott was drained. His wife was frustrated. His children missed
him. "If only my boss would give me a promotion," Scott's story
went, "my life would be so much better."
With a little help, Scott was able to pay attention to what
matters most-- 1) Providing a comfortable lifestyle for his
family while doing work he enjoyed 2) Having time and energy to
spend with his loved ones
Scott recognized that his boss had nothing to do with his
frustration. What was stressing Scott was the idea that he had
to continue to work hard in order to support a lifestyle that
was becoming increasingly expensive and exhausting.
We all do the same thing--we create stories that make it easier
for us to accept what we view as unchangeable circumstances.
Scott had a heart-to-heart talk with his wife, who had believed
that Scott's boss really was the source of his frustration. Once
she knew the real situation, things shifted.
They agreed that what they wanted most for their family was a
simpler way of life. Together, they decided to limit their
activities--more dinners home together, more time on the weekend
to enjoy family outings, less strain on the family budget. The
children were okay with giving up their sports if it meant doing
more fun things as a family. They'd signed up initially simply
because their friends were doing the same.
Many of the things we feel we NEED to do are simply things we
start doing. Without paying attention to what we might be losing
in the process, these activities can become an obstacle to
creating a happy, relaxed home life.
Scott's looking forward to a year of less stress, more fun, and
greater awareness. He feels much lighter now that he recognizes
that his boss story was based on frustration, not facts.
Things are coming together now that Scott sees what matters
most, and he is surprised at how simple it was to make decisions
that made life easier for his whole family.
Oh, and that package? It turns out there wasn't much in it after
all.
Sometimes, those are the best ones to unwrap.