Guilt and Self-Destructive Behaviors
Guilt: Parents' Weapon of Choice
Do you ever wonder if your parents graduated magna cum laude
from Guilt University? Do you ever suspect that they majored in
Suffering with a minor in Acting Out of Control? All the while
earning high grades for other maneuvers that make you feel
guilty instantly? I'm making light of something serious to make
a point. That point is that we keep many of these
guilt-provoking techniques in a place deep within us that
affects our outlook, self-worth and future behavior.
Imagine a forest alive with trees that are growing taller year
by year. Then, one day, a woodsman comes in, ax in hand and
swinging hard. The damage he does to the health of the forest is
extreme, harsh, and long-term. Now think about these statements,
some of which may sound familiar: "How could you do this to me?"
WHACK! "Some day you'll realize what I've done for you!" WHACK!
"I hope your children do to you what you've done to me!" TIMBER!
Just as the trees fall to the woodman's ax, so does your ego
under the blows of your parent's comments. And their damage on
you is just as extreme, harsh and long term. But just as the
forest comes back to good health over time, so can you come back
to your own state of health and happiness.
Communication takes many forms and so does manipulation. We've
just touched on the verbal kinds of guilt-provoking examples,
what about their nonverbal counterparts? Pouting. Withdrawing.
Icy stares. Cold shoulders. Helpless sobbing. Forlorn looks. If
all this drama is directed toward one small child, how could he
or she not be affected?
Manipulation: Two New Varieties, Same Old Guilt
Ever experience the Knife Twist? How about the Bludgeon? Both
bring you to the same place--guilt. Let's start with the parent
who manipulates via "knife twisting." For the child whose
parents want him or her to be excessively devoted to them, no
matter how unpleasant it is, here's what may be heard around the
dinner table: "I'm so miserable without you," or "How could you
be so selfish and so inconsiderate of me?" or "After all I've
sacrificed for you" (note this one may be accompanied by one of
the already mentioned nonverbal "forlorn looks"). What's the
effect of all this knife twisting? Maybe your fear of having to
be too devoted will cause you to be afraid of close
relationships and so your search for love will never end well.
In the chapter "Why Can't I Fall in Love and Stay in Love,"
you'll read stories of people whose relationships were damaged
by just this issue.
Let's continue with our other style of guilt-provoking
manipulation--the Bludgeon. An example of this type is found
when you act independently of your authoritarian parent and he
or she loses control, explodes in anger, and screams at you
because you weren't obedient or submissive enough. What's the
effect of bludgeoning? In the chapter "Why Am I Fat and Why
Can't I Lose Weight?" you'll read about Alice, who rebelled
against her controlling parents by getting fat and staying that
way. Whether it's a slowly twisting knife, a bludgeoning from
a hammer, an icy stare or a cold shoulder, the effect of these
over-emotional displays of exaggerated suffering is the same--to
manipulate you to change a normal behavior or abandon a normal
goal. But why would you change what is normal and acceptable?
Because you feel so guilty for inflicting such terrible pain,
you'll conform to their personality flaws no matter how
resentful or damaging that may be for your life.
The Stranger at the Party
As a child, it's hard to imagine that you have the power to
inflict so much damage on your parents or siblings just by being
yourself and doing the normal things that children do. But
because they constantly act so wounded, it's difficult for you
to be unaffected by their guilt-provoking behavior. Now think
about this: If you had a brief encounter with an unpleasant
stranger at a cocktail party, would you assume then that you
were responsible for his offensive behavior? Or would you say to
yourself, or to a friend, "What's up with him?" Chances are
you'd know that if that person behaved badly, it wasn't your
fault. But with your parent or sibling, you've been blamed for
their unhappiness over a long, long time and you've been
burdened by long-lasting feelings of (unconscious) guilt. Why is
it so difficult to avoid feeling guilty toward your parents when
you probably wouldn't blame yourself for the badly behaving
stranger?
The Gods Must Be Angry
As children, we view our parents in the same way that members of
a primitive tribe view their gods. When the gods are angry, the
heavens erupt and earthquakes, floods, and droughts occur.
Tribal elders know for certain that the gods must be appeased.
Amends must be made for hurting the gods. With a lack of
knowledge about the causes of the natural disasters it
experiences, the tribe assumes that it has angered the gods of
nature. And so by altering its behavior through prayer,
performing rituals and sacrifices, the tribe believes it can
placate the offended gods and so alleviate the punishment. But
in altering its behavior in order to amend and atone, the tribe
may make accommodations even if they're detrimental to its
well-being--for instance, sacrificing a cow even if there's a
shortage of cows. In the same way, as a child you assumed that
your behavior was responsible for provoking your parents. Though
this assumption was often just a general feeling and not clearly
well thought out, it was based on real experiences with siblings
or parents who constantly acted hurt, threatened, or angered by
your normal behaviors. Remember the mother in the joke at the
beginning of the chapter--the one who made her son feel guilty
about not paying enough attention to her? Have you ever been in
a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Did you act like
the member of the indigenous tribe and make sacrifices to
appease your gods (okay, parents)? Did you change something
normal in yourself in order to not hurt them again? Was the
result that you resented yourself for appeasing your parents at
your own expense? If so, your resentment will also have you
trapped in self-defeating responses as you go through life. What
might that look like? You might rebel against the mother in the
joke and become unresponsive to anyone who wants your interest.
Or, in response to a controlling parent, you might become
stubborn, defiant, and disagreeable, no matter how severe the
cost is to you. Throughout your life these qualities will
undermine your relationships with others and also your goals.
Congratulations, You've Been Hired by Mystery Firm X
Changing to keep our parents happy, or at least to not make them
angry, is something you may have tried while growing up. But did
you know exactly what you were changing and why? And if you
didn't, did you still try to change anyway?
Compare your situation to this one and see if it helps put it
all in perspective for you. You've been job-hunting for a while
and now at last your search is over. You've landed a job. Only
problem is, you don't know what the job entails, what is
expected of you, and what the requirements actually are. One day
you walk into work and your boss is angry with you and you don't
know why. You find yourself thinking, "What did I do?" "Was it
the way I handled report A, was it the way I dealt with
situation B, or maybe it was how I dealt with customer C?" You
decide which situation you think it was and then you make what
you think is the appropriate change. Next time, you think (and
hope) it will be different. Your boss will have nothing to be
angry about.
You've taken care of the problem. Does that make sense to you?
Changing but not knowing what you did wrong or fully
understanding the situation before you start to make the change?
If you don't know what the problem is, how can you possibly be
expected to fix it? To an adult this probably doesn't make
sense, does it? But this is what we, as kids, do. Right or
wrong, sense or nonsense, we try to change to make sure our
parents (or other siblings) won't be angry or hurt. We're always
trying to keep those "gods" of ours happy so they don't get
angry.
Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for Weight
Loss, Love, Career and Parenting by Irwin Gootnick, M.D.
(Penmarin
Books, May 2006).