Beginning Your Memoir Despite Family Guilt and Critic Voices
When we first decide to write, we feel good about it--we have
memories and stories that form who we are. We want to explore
ourselves, to capture times long gone and preserve them in story
form. To leave a legacy about our lives. But other voices
compete with our writing--"what will people think; you should be
ashamed; you will embarrass the family. Don't air dirty laundry;
you know only part of the truth, so be quiet. Your mother will
roll over in her grave if she found out you wrote that."
We all know these voices. They make us throw down the pen, sit
back and turn on the TV. We don't want to lose our family. We
don't want to make them angry. Writing a memoir is an act of
courage, even defiance against powerful family dynamics. We need
to find a way out.
As a family therapist, I have worked with many families, and
because of my background, I'm in a position to help my coaching
clients understand the source of their resistance to writing
their stories, and the source of the critic voice inside.
When we write memoir, we reclaim our own voice, we stake a claim
to our version of the story. Every family has multiple story
lines. There is the "official" version, controlled by the most
powerful people in the family, usually the parents or those who
have the most to lose. The "lesser" points of view--most often
held by the children or those lesser in power--are often not
believed or accepted as true.
Who decides what version of a story to believe? Who is not
listened to? Whose point of view is unwanted? The answers to
these questions will be decided by family dynamics and power.
In most families there is a "scapegoat," or a clown, or the most
sensitive. People in these roles may hold a unique, and
unpopular, view of the family stories, and those with the most
power may try to suppress it.
A memoirist must begin by writing her story in a protected
bubble so the story can evolve. Take care of your writing
environment, and protect you from forces that will derail your
efforts.
1. Figure out the power dynamics in your family. If the critic
voice stops you, write down what it says. Try to find the
original source of those voices in your background.
2. Begin with an image--a photograph is often a good prompt.
Write in your own natural voice.
3. If the voices say: "I don't know how to write; my family will
hate me; how do I know I am writing the truth." don't stop.
Write anyway. Your critic/family protector will try to silence
you. If you were silenced when you were growing up, you will
need to work through it now.
4. DO NOT hit the delete button when you feel critical after
writing. DO protect your writing from curious family or friend
invaders. Treat your work like a young plant that needs
protection.
5. Find supportive people to write with. Write in caf