An Argument About Money May Really Be About Something Else
Five years into his second marriage, Jim was so frustrated with
the haphazard way Cathy seemed to handle her finances that he
was seriously considering divorce. Cathy wouldn't consider joint
counseling, so he hired me to help him sort through the issues
and make a decision.
Jim & Cathy were both well-paid professionals, and had a clear
agreement to share expenses. Jim believed that Cathy wasn't
really keeping the agreement. He gathered evidence to prove his
point.
* Cathy kept forgetting her wallet or running short of cash,
manipulating him into paying for all of their entertainment
expenses.
* When he asked her to pay him back, but she never seemed to get
around to it. He felt ashamed to make an issue of repayment, so
he usually let it drop.
* Cathy did pay her share of household bills, but Jim was so
worried about her "flakiness" that he frequently questioned her
anxiously about whether she was up to date.
* At one point, after hearing her talk about wanting a new car,
he carefully researched which new car would be best for her. He
was appalled when she bought a more expensive, sportier model.
* He urged her to keep careful records of her personal
expenditures and offered to help her review them. She refused
angrily and they had frequent arguments about money. When I
asked Jim what he did to contribute to the problem, Jim
recognized that he was the one who started the arguments by
frequently asking Cathy about what she did with her money.
When I asked what he was trying to accomplish by questioning
her, Jim first said he just wanted her to be responsible. When
he dug a little deeper, he realized that he wanted to be sure
she could take care of herself financially and not become
dependent on him.
He also recognized that frequently questioning her was not
accomplishing his goal. In fact, it was making the problem even
worse. Jim also discovered that he had mixed feelings about
whether a husband should be financially responsible for his
wife. This ambivalence kept him from discussing the only real
problem-that Cathy was breaking her financial agreement to share
entertainment costs.
I asked Jim if his unexpressed resentment about the broken
agreement might be connected to his judgment that she was
irresponsible about money. He already knew that the "evidence"
didn't really support his judgment. Cathy was responsible for
everything EXCEPT sharing entertainment expenses. The connection
made sense to him. Jim still didn't feel ready to confront Cathy
directly about the broken agreement, but he decided to
experiment with not asking her about how she managed her own
money. He also decided to tell Cathy in advance whether or not
any particular entertainment activity would be his treat.
A month after he started his experiment, Jim noticed that the
arguments had almost completely disappeared. The bills continued
to get paid, and Cathy was occasionally volunteering to treat
him to dinner and other activities.
He decided to stay married.
Remember: Almost everything you do is done for a reason, but
sometimes you have to look below the surface to discover the
really important hidden reason for your behavior.