The Modern Guide to Naming Your Baby
One of the hundred million things new parents have to do is pick
out a name for the baby, preferably before the child reaches his
or her 18th birthday, if for no other reason than it is very
difficult to register to vote when you are only known as "Baby
Picking a name is a little trickier and more important than you
first think. You want your child to be successful and confident
in the world. You want your child to take charge of life and be
able to face others and make good first impressions. It is for
this reason that very few children are named "Roscoe" anymore.
Now, before I start getting email and nasty comments from
hundreds of people named Roscoe (as if someone named Roscoe
could use a computer!) I want to assure you that I think there
is absolutely nothing wrong with the name Roscoe if you never
want your child to be anymore than a truck mechanic or run a
roadside barbecue pit in Kentucky. And with a name like that you
can easily save money on clothing because you know there are
plenty of bowling shirts and overalls at your local Goodwill
that already have the name "Roscoe" stitched right on them. I
mean, are there any astronauts named Roscoe? How many nobel
prize winners have been named Roscoe? I'm too lazy to actually
check this, but I'm pretty sure the number is right around zero,
give or take a few.
So how do you go about picking a baby name?
The big trend in naming babies these days is picking a common
name and then giving it some sort of "alternative" spelling
which breaks most of the common sense rules of the English
language. For example, one of the trendiest new boys name is
"Dylan" but that's a very traditional spelling. Modern parents
would likely use one of these alternatives:
* Dillon * Dillan * Dylin * Dillllllen * Dil8an (the 8 is
silent) * Roscoe
If you really want to be on the cutting edge of baby-naming
(and, really, who doesn't?) then you'll make up some sort of
name using the parts of various other popular names. For
example, the top ten very popular girl names right now are:
Emily, Emma, Hannah, Madison, Olivia, Grace, Elizabeth, Abigail,
Samantha and Alexis. A truly progressive parent would come up
with one of these variations:
* Emmadison * Grolivia * Abixis * Elizabigailexisamanthannah *
Samadison * Roscoe
If you're still having a hard time picking out your baby's name,
you're not alone. There are, however, a lot of different ways to
go about it.
Lots of people turn to books to suggest names for their babies
and it's pretty evident who these parents are when we have
little Zeus and Jeronin digging with shovels in the sandbox
while Lucritia and Saranese are playing jacks on the sidewalk.
If books aren't your thing then maybe you should turn on the
television for a few hours and simply write down every name you
hear and think if any of those sound good to you or not. Being
selective is the key here. No matter how pretty your daughter is
she probably won't be named prom queen if she's named "Larry
King" or "Spongebob".
Lastly, you could always look back into your own family history
and name your baby after a particularly important relative. If
you don't have any particularly important relatives, then aim to
name your child after a particularly old and rich relative. Hey,
it never hurts.
Now that you've finally picked out a baby name you can relax,
right? Wrong! Far from it!
This is your first chance of many to screw with people's minds.
You're going to be a parent soon and your mind-screwing ability
is going to have to be pretty top-notch. Do you think it's going
to be easy to get a three-year old to go to bed on time every
night? Heck, no! You're going to have to tell all sorts of
fantastic stories about monsters coming to get him or killer
robots enslaving the world if he doesn't get to bed at a decent
Really, one can argue that most of child-raising is based on the
idea of tricking the little buggers into doing what you want
them to do. So get used to pulling this sort of stunt. You're
going to be a parent. It's your duty now.
You see, the last thing you want to do is pick out these great
baby names and then tell you friends and family because they'll
immediately make comments like "Oh, are you sure about that?"
and "Oh... that's.... interesting..." and "Oh, dear God!!" And
then you'll be forced to listen to hours and hours of stories
about why the name you like for your baby is all wrong and why
you should really name the baby "Dillynn".
No, what you need to do is now spend some time picking out the
worse possible names you can possible think of and beginning
telling people that those names are what you're going to give
your child. For example, let's say you found the perfect baby
name. You should keep the name to yourself and tell everyone you
know that you're going to name him "Englebert Horatio" with a
straight face. You'll earn extra credibility if you buy a few
bibs with "Englebert" stitched on them. Tell your parents how
you're planning on calling him "Eggy" when he's young.
This way when your baby is born you can surprise your friends
and relatives with a the real name and make them all sigh a
huge, collective sigh of relief (except for aunt Jane who alread
purchased a silver baby rattle with the initials "EH" engraved
This will especially please the person you named your new baby
after - your old rich uncle Roscoe.