10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN FEBRUARY
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.
10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN FEBRUARY
Or, pray tell, why not?
Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even
more impressive, he is a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very
skewed assessment of reality, which among other things makes him
a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping
The second month of the Gregorian calendar owes its name to the
Latin term, "Februa", a feast of purification and
So needless to say, this is a momentous occasion for cleaning
one's closet, cleaning one's colon, or cleaning one's two front
As far as making offerings to appease the gods, goddesses or
grand juries are concerned - try smiling. If that doesn't work,
look for the nearest sacrificial scapegoat available.
Better yet, just avoid doing the following fruitless things this
1. Keep the company of Piscean personalities. They're
fishy folk at the best of times, not to mention dependent,
depressive, emotional, escapist, self-pitying, temperamental,
and can lose touch with reality faster than you can shake a
stick. (Find new playmates!)
2. Become Casanova, Cupid, or Romeo. Perhaps send a box
of cheap chocolates or a sentimental card to a lovelorn lollypop
if you must; otherwise save your valuable romantic intentions
for a wonder-wench who really gives a sweet patootie!
3. Peek in hidey-holes for groundhogs. Frankly, you've
got more on the ball than you give yourself credit. So hold your
horses, count your lucky stars, and keep your eyes open for the
first blossom of spring. On second thought, practice your green
thumbing techniques - maybe you'll land a job in the Jolly Green
4. Talk to a three-legged beaver...well any beaver as a
matter of fact. If you must, just admire the critter that graces
the back of a five-cent Canadian coin. The last thing this
blessed world needs is another "eager beaver" like you for
5. Feel sorry for "lassitudarians". They're the lazybone,
lazyboot, or lazy-leg types who think nothing of grazing in your
green pasture, accepting your hospitality for a month, or eating
you out of house and home. (No house-guests ...not even your
best friend, the hottie-next-door or your in-laws!)
6. Acquire a panting pooch to honor the "Year of the
Dog". Remember what John Sparrow once said, "That
indefatigable and unsavoury engine of pollution, the dog."
(Perhaps that's why God invented man: the super-duper
7. Masticate on wads of chewing gum. If you must flap
your gums, at least chat up a chin-wagger! They offer nothing
but trivial talk and don't leave a mess behind thank goodness.
8. Believe the weather forecasts. It's a pointless
pursuit that could ruin your golf game, destroy your faith in
humanity, or leave you in a complete state of panic. Wringing
people's necks has never been your strong suit. Try something
9. Learn pig-Latin. Frankly, there are far too many
quirky characters running about these days in the barnyard of
life. Find some other thingummy doodah to do!
10. Press your point with legume-lovers - be they
clover-kickers, carrot-crunchers, or turnip-snaggers. Remember,
exercising your sentimental passion for vegetable fashion is
hardly going to put you first in line at the supermarket