I approached the cell where they were holding Tonto. I had some feeling of fear at the prospect of being locked up in a 6x8 cell with the man who shot the Lone Ranger. The guard asked me if I wanted to go in and I mentioned this.
" He also scalped him. Allegedly, that is".
I went on in and stood there observing the man who shot America's greatest hero. He didn't look all that mean or dangerous.
"Tonto? Can I ask you a few questions!"
"Tonto. It's always Tonto. Never sir or Mr. Tonto. Just Tonto. Why couldn't they give me a name like Geronimo or Crazy Horse or Sittng Bull, something like that. I guess Crazy Horse isn't so great either but Tonto? That sucks, man".
"Did you shoot the Lone Ranger?"
"I scalped him too, the do-gooder. All the time it's 'Tonto do this 'and Tonto ,' do that'. I finally had enough of it. And that'kemo sabe' stuff. What does kemo sabe mean? Nothing. It was just something I had to say at least once a week."
" What about the Faithful Indian Companion thing?" "What about it? Everyone thought I was gay to tell you the truth. Ever notice how I never got the girl? Huh? Ever notice that? LR never got the girl either but that's because he had a thing about Silver".
"Sounds like you're going for temporary insanity".
"No , I'm not. I just got tired of the whole thing. He got to wear these nifty clothes while I wore beat-up old buckskins. Man, those things were hot. He got two guns while I got one, although I only needed one as it turns out. He got silver bullets! Why? That doesn't make sense at all."
"He was your friend'.
" Friend? What friend? I saved his life not the other way around, I could have left him lying in that canyon to die is what I could have done. Maybe I should have. No, no. I had to nurse him back to health and tell him about the silver mine and go along with the mask and all that. Why? Who cared what he looked like? He didn't care that people knew what I looked like."
"That really bothered you?"
"Sure it did. Here we'd be camped outside some town. Why? We had all kinds of money. Why camp out on the ground.? I'll probably get chillblains whem I get old. Anyway, HE would go to town without the mask and have a good old time. So, I got to sneaking in after he'd leave. I go right up and stand with him. Men would point at me and know the old prospecter was the Lone Ranger. And they didn't give a ratass about him ."
"You two rode the west fighting for justice".
"You been watching too much t.v. We rode around getting into trouble is what we did. He rode a big white stallion and I rode a little paint pony. That's another bitch I had. He also had all the money. Everytime I had to buy something he gave me the money. I found that silver mine, not him. But no, he had the money and I had squat."
"How do you think the trial will come out?"
"There won't be no trial. If I don't get lynched I think the charges will get dropped. It wouldn't do his image any good to have people think his faithful Indian companion would shoot him. We start shooting this year's episodes next week and they need me. Did I say shooting? Ha-ha. Tonto made a joke."
That's Tonto's Lament.
About the Author
Some things are off the wall and this author takes advantage of it. It gets harder and harder to make things up when real life is getting so weird.
I don't try to offend but I don't try not to, either. It's all clean enough for my grandchildren to read (Uh, I married young and so did my children). They wouldn't understand it but they could read it.