Guilt and Rebellion: Whose Life is It Anyway?
Do you ever feel you're not in control of your own life? Do you
ever wonder who is, and how they got to hold down that
all-important job?
Let's try to crack the secret code of who's in control. Once we
do you'll see how it will help you live your life more
successfully and become less self-defeating and more in charge
of all that affects you.
Say Hello to Those Twin String Pullers
A situation has just arisen and you've responded to it in a way
that is over the top and completely inappropriate. In fact, your
response was so out of character you catch yourself thinking,
"What was that about?" Or maybe, "Who was that person who just
acted like that?" So there you go, you've just encountered the
twin string pullers, guilt and rebellion. They are the two keys
here. They get their grip on you early and hold on tightly
throughout your life. They cause you to respond to situations in
ways that feel foreign to you. How does it happen?
Have you ever had to deal with a broken thermostat? With no
warning at all it automatically turns your heater way up, and
then, at precisely the wrong time, and again with no warning
whatsoever, it shuts it off. Your damaged control system
functions in much the same way, thanks in no small part to guilt
and rebellion. It includes your beliefs, feelings, and all the
rules that have become ingrained over the course of your life.
And not so much because of anything you yourself have done, but
more because of those unresolved problems and issues of your
parents (and sometimes siblings) and their effect on you.
"Always Be Nice to Others"
This is a common rule that many of us heard growing up, and on
the surface it seems like a rule that would cause us no harm.
But it may affect us in our adult life in ways that are
detrimental. Let's have a look.
Being nice to others sounds like a great value to possess. What
could possibly be wrong with it? It has a positive moral value
for those who hold it. Most people are able to choose when it's
appropriate to be nice and, when it's actually harmful to their
well-being, to refuse to be nice. But for the person who suffers
from excessive guilt about breaking this rule, it becomes a trap.
Let's say your parent or sibling was long-suffering and required
you to always put aside your needs for the needs of others. Any
attempt on your part to be self-serving in a very normal,
typical way resulted in injurious remarks or maybe even physical
abuse. Frequently, comments were heard like, "How could you be
so selfish and ignore your suffering mother?" or "Your only
brother, your own flesh and blood needs your help on the
computer and all you can think about is writing your college
essay and getting into college?" What was all that about, you
may wonder? Guilt.
Guilt has required that you be excessively devoted to others at
the expense of your own interests. And if you aren't able to
opposethe rule "always be nice to others," and your damaged
inner thermostat is of no help when you're trying to determine
whether a person truly deserves your being nice to him or her,
you become a slave to that simple rule.
How does it play out in your life today? You become a doormat to
others. You often feel exploited and unappreciated. And what
happens if you wake up one day hating yourself for acting so
submissively to people? (And the actual process of "waking up"
could take years, not just a morning, though that could happen
too.) You become a person who defiantly responds to all requests
with "No." This includes reasonable requests as well, like
taking your brother to a basketball game that you were actually
looking forward to. But the new you, the one who must rebel
against his or her past, rebels against the request and doesn't
go. Won't go. Period. End of story.
But is it really the end or is it perhaps the middle of the
story? Your story can end with how you turned your life around,
how you re-routed yourself on a road map established early in
your childhood which led you away from the best road to follow.
Now you have a chance to take a new road, which is the best
road, and lead a life in which you are the one in control.
The Gods Must Be Angry . . . But Is It My Fault?
Remember the indigenous tribe I mentioned earlier? The one that
faced natural disasters like earthquakes, floods, and droughts?
With no scientific explanations, the tribe used its own logic,
"We've angered the gods and we must atone." These powerful
feelings of guilt require atonement or punishment, and they
require that the tribe pay a price for assuming blame.
And so must you. Surprised? It's not a big stretch actually, not
if you think of your family as its own tribe with its own set of
rules and rituals. And as it does for the faraway tribe, trouble
comes when you rebel against the gods (or, in your case, your
parents).
When you're a child, you often blame yourself for the serious
flaws of your parents' (and siblings') behavior. Even though
these flaws are not your fault, you still feel compelled to
placate them. And you will do so even at great cost to yourself.
Remember the basketball-loving sibling who said an emphatic "No"
to the request to take his brother to a basketball game? Who
lost out there? What was the cost of his behavior? He missed out
on something that brings fun, excitement, and a good time into
his life. Self-defeating behavior? You bet.
Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for
Weight Loss, Love, Career and
Parenting(http://www.penmarin.com/proddetail.asp?prod=Gootnick2&f
rom=2) by Irwin Gootnick, M.D. (Penmarin Books
http://www.penmarin.com, May 2006).