Infidelity: How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating
There is plenty of information available to help the spouse
who's been cheated on, yet there is very little information
available to help the wayward spouse. Countless relationships
end as a result of infidelity. However, it's not necessarily
because the spouse found out and couldn't forgive the behavior;
it's because the person who cheated couldn't forgive themselves.
If you are trying to come to terms with having cheated on your
spouse, then you need to start viewing cheating for what it is -
a bad choice. It's nothing more and nothing less. The old adage,
"once a cheater, always a cheater" is nothing more than a
judgment which is intended to deter people from cheating in the
first place. Don't buy into this belief about yourself. Who you
are today is not who you were yesterday. Likewise, who you are
in a burning building is very different from who you are at a
picnic. Our circumstances at any given moment can change who we
are, once we understand this about ourselves we can begin to
live at a level of awareness where choosing our behavior becomes
possible.
Many would argue, (myself included) that it's best to tell your
spouse what has happened, unfortunately though, many of us
aren't in relationships that can withstand anything less than
the image we project. However, that's not to say that our
relationships can't or won't get to that level in the future.
If you find that you're in a situation where you don't feel you
can share your indiscretion with your spouse without destroying
your relationship, and yet, you also don't feel as though you
can remain in your relationship without disclosing what's
happened, then try the following:
First, find a couple hours where you can be alone without any
chance of being interrupted (you will need a pen and notepad for
this exercise). Now, I want you to write down everything that
happened leading up to and including the indiscretion. The
process is the same whether it was a one time encounter or an
ongoing affair.
After you have written down everything in vivid detail, try to
remember if there was anything you were afraid of prior to the
incident. Typically, some type of fear precipitates cheating on
a partner. For instance, were you afraid of not having anything
to look forward to in the future? Were you afraid of getting
older? Did you feel that this was your last chance at happiness
and/or excitement? Were you afraid that your spouse was cheating
on you? Really try to think back to what you were feeling at the
time.
After you're finished answer this question, If I could go back,
would I still make the same decision today, or would I choose
differently? If your answer is "yes, I would choose
differently," then write down all of the reasons you would make
a different choice today.
I want you to reread everything that you've written. Take it all
in one last time. Now, I want you to tear up what you've written
and throw it away. You've acknowledged what's happened and
you've come to the conclusion that this is not a decision you
would make again in the future. Therefore, there is no need to
revisit this experience again.
However, you may find that there are times when you will still
feel guilty. Cheating is a little like dieting. So often when
people cheat on their diets, they give up and stop trying to
diet at all. It can be the same way with cheating on your
spouse. People often give up on their relationships because they
cheated. The guilt causes the cheater as well as the dieter to
want to start over with a clean slate. So, the dieter goes on a
binge and decides to start fresh with a new diet. Likewise, the
cheater does the same thing - they give up on their relationship
and they decide to start fresh with a new partner. If you can
see the insanity in this behavior in terms of dieting then you
should also be able to see the insanity in this behavior when it
comes to relationships. A dieter with this type of mentality
will most likely never lose weight; instead they will simply
keep going back to the beginning, or in other words, starting
over. If you apply this same logic to your relationship, expect
the same results; plan to continue going back to the beginning
to start over again with a new partner.
In the future, if you start to feel guilty about this again, I
want you to read the following paragraph. In fact, reread it
every time you catch yourself starting to feel even a twinge of
guilt:
My relationship is not tarnished because of my behavior. I made
a bad choice; however, no single decision has the potential to
define who I am. I have not lost anything from this experience
except the ignorance which is necessary to judge myself and
others. I will forgive myself today - only by doing so will I be
able to love and give again to the people around me
Now, I want to leave you with a question.
Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with someone who knows
they are capable of cheating and yet they are consciously
choosing to be faithful; as opposed to someone who mistakenly
thinks they are just naturally incapable of certain behaviors?
If you have cheated on your partner you now have the ability to
choose to be faithful instead of naively or childishly just
assuming it about yourself; which means you now have the wisdom
and experience to be truly trustworthy.
See, you really do deserve to be free from this guilt!