What Is Wrong With You?
My Dear Lover,
In most of the long distance relationships the time you are
apart is bigger than the time you are together, and probably you
will be between being together and being apart more than once in
your distance relationship.
And I can tell you, because I have been there more than once,
that the experience of being apart after being together, is one
of the most difficult periods in a long distance relationship.
It make us feel so horrible, that sometimes we wonder "what is
wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?".
Each time we go apart again, mainly three emotional phases
happens (Protest, Depression and Detachment).
While you were together, you were inseparable, took long walks
together and made all moments count, but now is arriving the
time your beloved as to go away.
It's like something triggers inside you, that say that your
beloved is leaving, and you start the first phase, the
Protest.
You fight against the separation in all the ways you can.
You feel terrible, you cry without control, some will be angry
with "life", or even with their beloved, some will hold and kiss
each other like you will never see each other again.
And even at the last moment, when you are at airport, you will
ignore the last calling of the departure, until you finally
realize your beloved really have to leave. Did you ever did
this? I did!
But no matter how much you protest to prevent the separation,
you are apart again.
Now comes the second emotional phase of separation, the
Depression.
You can't stop crying, you miss your beloved like hell, you
can't sleep, can't eat, lose interest for things, you can't
concentrate in anything, and all you want is to be together with
your beloved all time. And that is natural reaction when you
love somebody so much.
This phase of depression and loneliness can last only some
minutes, but in most cases it will last for several days.
Finally comes the last phase, the Detachment.
You have to continue with your life, even being apart from your
beloved, and being depressed won't bring your beloved back.
And finally the day that you will be together again arrives, and
probably, you will have to go throughout the phases of
separation again and again!
So now that you understand "what's wrong with you?" each time
you have to go through the process of separation, does it means
that you can't do nothing about it?
No, no and no, keep reading and I will show you my advices.
But remember, it's a fact that no matter how many times you go
by the experience of separation again and again, nothing
eliminates this three phases. The only thing you can do is to
realize their existence, understand each phase, and take action
so you can make this experience more "soft".
But do you want to know something very interesting?
It is not only me and you and all the people that are living a
Long Distance Relationship, that goes by the Protest, Depression
and Detachment emotional phases, each time we go apart again.
Dr. Gregory Guldner, of the National Institute for Building Long
Distance Relationships, shows in his book "Long Distance
Relationships: The Complete Guide", that puppies also "feel" the
same as us.
According to Dr. Guldner, "Although it's difficult to apply
conclusions from research done on animals to the emotions
described in humans, I've found that the reactions of the pups
are strikingly similar to the reactions of many of those in
LDRs."
And he continues, "When the researchers removed the mother dog
from the kennel, the pups began to protest. They cried and ran
around the kennel sometimes for hours and even days. Eventually
the pups stopped protesting, but they began to behave as if they
were depressed. They slept poorly, they lost their appetites,
they stopped playing with toys in the kennel, they lost weight,
and they withdrew from other dogs."
And more, "This pattern of protesting the separation, then
behaving depressed, then developing some emotional distance,
seemed to represent the usual reaction of the pups to
separation. Because these reactions occur very early in the
lives of the pups, there is good reason to believe that the
sequence of emotions may even be programmed to help them
survive."
And he states that, " Researchers speculate that the sequence of
separation, protest, depression, and detachment may reflect an
almost automatic protective reflex in many mammals. How much of
this reflex remains in us humans we don't know, but I think it
unlikely that we have managed to escape it entirely. More
likely, the emotional reactions remain, but we have learned to
change the behavior they evoke." "But the emotional triggers
that cause the pups to cry for days, and us to feel saddened by
our partner's departure, remain deeply ingrained."
And as I told you before, it's a fact that no matter how many
times you go by the experience of separation again and again,
nothing eliminates this three phases. The only thing you can do
is to realize their existence, understand each phase, and take
action so you can make this experience more "soft".
And the advice's I am going to give you, comes from my personal
experience, and from the help of 2 fantastic books, (you can
find their references, at the end of this post) that I did buy,
read and apply, that did in fact help me a lot living again and
again the experience of being apart again and again.
So my advice's to help you in the phase of Protest (when
you fight against the separation in all the ways you can) are:
- Spend the morning or afternoon before your beloved leaves,
with friends. Do something active, to keep your minds "off" of
that moment, and avoid being alone, crying all the time.
- Don't focus on the pain of being apart again, focus on the
pleasure. How bliss you are for loving and be loved. And you
will not be apart forever.
- If it is too hard for you to take your beloved at the
departure place, like to the airport, and stay together as long
as possible, then either say goodbye at your home and let your
beloved take a taxi to the airport, or take your beloved at
airport but say goodbye in the car.
My advice's to help you in the phase of Depression are:
- Let out the emotions, cry, scream. Give permission yourself to
be "depressed"(but not for long time!), but please please please
don't make yourself miserable.
- Surround yourself with friends and family that can give you
all the support you need, and don't be alone at your room crying
all time.
- Go to work, go to gym, set goals like getting in shape, and
stay active. Go to a comedy movie to make you laugh!
- Don't focus on how long your beloved will be away. Take
comfort in the fact that you are not really alone, only
separated by space.
My advices to the phase of Detachment are:
- Detach yourself of the "pain" of being apart again, but please
don't detach from your beloved. Keep strong communication with
your beloved. Nowadays we are so lucky to have all the
technology to make staying in touch so easy, like phone, text
messaging, email, faxes, web cams, etc.
- Don't make the separation between you and your beloved an
obstacle, see as an opportunity to grow.
My Dear Lover, face your feelings, understand them and learn to
live with them. I know it is easier to speak than do, because to
me, one of the most difficult things in a Long Distance
Relationship, is this emotional phases of separation.
But I am learning, and getting better each time, and very soon
it will arrive the time when there will be no more go away
again. And the same will happen to you.
Be strong , you are not ALONE!!!
Don't measure the distance, measure the Love, Maria
Madeira.