Reality Shows We'll (Hopefully) Never See
Just when it seems reality TV has hit rock bottom, a new and ever-more demeaning show emerges to set the bar even lower. Here are a few of the offerings that don't exist yet -- but just wait until the suits at FOX and UPN get wind of these ideas.
In this exciting makeover extravaganza, we give a team of plastic surgeons a van, a bottle of ether, and one mission: endow, endow, endow! They'll roam the city, looking for flat-chested women to 'enhance'. Watch as the docs scope out their patients -- "Look, 'A' cups! Grab her!" Then, they'll pull her into the van, put her under, and kick her back to the curb with a fabulous new set of double-D's! That's 'Ambush Boobjob', where our motto is: "We make mountains out of molehills -- whether you like it or not!"
Every week, a new woman goes out on blind dates with three men. And a taser. Watch, laugh, and learn as the guys forget to bring flowers. *bzzzzttt!* Or fail to open the car door. *zzzzzzap!* Or try to 'get French', after suggesting they 'go Dutch'. *ssssszzzzzzzztttttttt!!* At the end of the show, the gal picks her favorite fella, who gets to choose between a second date or a trip to the local burn ward. Fun for the whole family!
Last Comic Starving:
A 'true' reality show, this show follows the lives of ten standups without day jobs, as they compete for gigs, auditions... and sandwiches. Only one will be able to scrounge enough cash together to buy groceries; the rest will either take up panhandling, or give up completely and settle into soul-sucking entry-level day jobs. Who'll be playing to packed houses, and who'll be delivering packages for a living? Tune in to find out!
My Big Fat Obnoxious Television Actress:
In this spin-off, we follow the trials, tribulations, and -- most importantly -- tantrums of a formerly-famous actress, as she attempts to claw her way back into the limelight. We'll find the most belligerent, heinous, loudmouthed... hold on. We already tried this one with Roseanne. And Kirstie Alley. And Kathy Griffin. We can't out-belligerent that. Never mind.
Pimp My Bride:
Still in the concept phase, this show could go one of two routes. In one scenario, we'll allow prospective husbands to compete for glamorous upgrades for their blushing brides-to-be -- facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, and the like. Much like 'The Swan', for the already roped-in crowd. If we go the other way, you'll see husbands pimp out their new wives for cash and prizes. Either way, it'll be the most uncomfortable, gratuitously shocking show since... well, since 'The Swan'. Or that 'NYPD Blue' with Dennis Franz' butt. Keep an eye out for the pilot.
Queer Eye for the Street Guy:
Just because you're wearing rags and living in a box doesn't mean you can't be fabulous! Our dream team of light-loafered fashionistas take one homeless person each week, and transform their clothes, lean-tos, and shopping carts into stylish, modern wonders. Watch to see the guys work magic with burlap, turn paper bags into treasured decorations -- and you won't believe the substances that can be used as 'hair product', in a pinch. See hoboes go faboo, and get in on the ground floor of 'urchin chic'. It'll sweep the nation, one back alley at a time!
The Real M.A.S.H.:
First, it was 'The Real Beverly Hillbillies'. Then, 'The Real Gilligan's Island'. Why not bring back the most popular thirty-year-old T.V. show of all? We've dragged ten contestants off to Korea, where they'll spend twelve tumultuous weeks dodging bullets, sewing people back together, and competing for fabulous prizes! And we've even gotten Jamie Farr, the original Sergeant Klinger, to host -- because really, what the hell else has he done since 1983?
The Real World: Guantanamo:
This is the true story -- 'Truu-uuuee sto-ray!' -- of seven strangers, picked to live in a tiny cell and have all records of their lives erased from all official records. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting... well, we're not sure, frankly. The military won't let our cameras in -- but we're working on it. Maybe in time for fall sweeps.
Forget the barren outback or a mosquito-ridden jungle. Let's see what sort of alliances form when we drop teams of wide-eyed tourists off in the middle of the borough. Cabs only big enough for two people, subways heading every which direction, challenges involving walking down long, dary alleys -- will competition reign, or will the survival instinct kick in? And if it gets boring, will we walk them over to Harlem to spice things up? There's only one way to find out!
Temptation Island: Greenland:
Sure, it's more interesting with the skimpy clothes and hot, sweaty nights. But if these people can create sparks through sub-zero temperatures and six layers of parkas, that's worth watching! Will they 'play it cool', or risk a bout of hypothermia for a roll in the permafrost? Only time -- and emergency treatments for frostbite of the extremities -- will tell.
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Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?