Solving Problems with Non-Violent Confrontation
This is the story of a busy family, maybe a lot like yours. They
are a happy family, but every once in a while they experience
moments of conflict.
"Hey everybody, the coach passed out the swim meet schedule
today", Shane was out of breath as he ran toward the car, his
hair still wet from practice.
"Get in the car. We'll look at your schedule when we get home.
Sarah has her dance recital announcement too, we can write
everything down on the calendar." Mom smiled at her talented
children in the rearview mirror as she drove toward home.
"Here let me see your schedule", Sarah snatched the paper out of
Shane's hand in a typical little-sister fashion.
"Oh, no! Mom! Shane has a swim meet on the day of my recital. At
the same time!"
"That is a problem, isn't it?"
"Give that back. Let me see." Shane snatched the paper back out
of Sarah's hands (in a typical big-brother fashion). "Which day?"
"Here." Sarah pointed.
Oh no! Mom! That is the match with Victor's team. I'm going to
beat him this year, I just know it! You and Dad have to be there
to see it!
"Hmmm, I'm not sure how we are going to solve this problem, but
I do know that we have to wait until we get home. A moving
vehicle is not a good place for arguing." Mom shot her stern
look at the two scowling children.
Each child wants both parents at his or her special event. This
is an example of conflict over limited resources.
Discuss Feelings
Back home, Dad joined Mom and the kids for a serious discussion.
"First of all, Mom and I want you to know that we understand how
upset you both of you are. Of course, you want your parents to
experience your moments of glory with you. But, you also need to
understand that this is a bad situation for us big folks, too.
It would break our hearts to ever have one of you believe that
we thought the other's activities were more important than
yours."
Listen to the other person's point of view
"But Dad, Shane has 10 swim meets this season. Dance class only
holds one or two recitals a year! That should make my event more
important."
"I know what you are saying is true, Sarah", said Shane. But,
this is a special meet. Victor has beaten me every year, and at
practice, my times have been so great that I just know I will
win this year. Your dancing isn't a race or anything. Nobody
wins any ribbons or trophies." He used his most reasonable voice
and glanced out of the corner of his eye hoping his parents had
noticed.
Mom did notice and hid her smile at his veiled attempt at
manipulating things in his favor. She then turned a patient face
toward Sarah who had sprouted some tears (a not-so-veiled
attempt of manipulation). "Yes, Sarah, we know that you are
unhappy, but we need clear heads not emotions if we are going to
find a solution to this problem."
Understand that people don't always agree on everything
"But it's not fair! He has nine other meets you can both watch.
I only have the one dance!"
"Sarah, Shane feels just as strongly about this meet as you do
about your recital," Dad said. "You don't have to understand why
he feels that way, you just have to accept the fact that he
does."
Look for creative solutions
"Brainstorm time", Mom declared. "Put on your thinking hats, we
need some ideas here."
"I do have an idea," Shane announced. "Sarah will have a dress
rehearsal for the dance, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Well then, you and Dad could go to the dress rehearsal and then
my meet and see them both."
"That's a very creative solution, Shane," said Mom as she put
her arm around a fuming Sarah, "but I don't think it is the
answer to our problem. A dress rehearsal really isn't the same
as the performance itself"
"Thanks, Mom", Sarah lost some of her stiffness and started
thinking, too. "We could film them for everyone to watch."
"Another fantastic idea, but since we only have one camera we
are back to the same dilemma," Dad said. "Who gets filmed and
who doesn't".
"Oh, yeah."
Everyone was quiet, thinking. Shane twiddled his thumbs.
Dad broke the silence by joking, "Hey, Shane wasn't that Science
project you did last year on cloning? It is the only way I can
see how one person can be in two places at the same time."
Two places at the same time...hmmm. Shane stared hard at his
revolving thumbs as an idea started forming in his mind. Soon
everyone was watching those thumbs go round and round, first one
way and then the other.
"No", he said, "not at the same time, but one and then the
other".
"You mean a compromise", said Mom following his thoughts.
"That's it!" Sarah jumped into the conversation excitedly. "Each
of you could go to one of the events and then halfway through
switch places."
Weigh possible outcomes
"Sounds like a good idea to me", Dad smiled at his children.
"You get equal amounts of Mom and Dad without cutting us into
two. There is something you need to consider first," he said
more seriously, "each of us will miss part of each event. I
might or might not get to see Shane beat Victor. Mom might or
might not get to see Sarah's perfect pirouette."
"Yeah, we know", Shane and Sarah said at the same time and
grinned at each other.
Finalize the decision
"Okay then, I'll take Shane to his swim meet and then end up at
Sarah's dance", Dad said. "That way I can gallantly present the
Prima Donna with her flowers after the show."
"You're getting me flowers?" Sarah flung herself into her
father's arms.
"Perfect, that leaves me with Mom for the traditional after-meet
ice cream," Shane declared. "I'll not only be the fastest
swimmer, I'll also be the guy with the prettiest mother."
"Thanks," said Mom, "and yes, I'll let you get two scoops of ice
cream."
Following the above steps when solving problems through
confrontation gives the proper respect to everyone's point of
view and increases the likelihood of reaching a win/win
solution. I hope it works as well for your family as it did for
Shane and Sarah's family.
Jean Fisher - http://www.whatsfordinner.net