Children and Grief: What They Know, How They Feel, How to Help.
Caregivers never want young children to have to learn about
death. They want to protect children from pain and loss. But,
child care professionals cannot shelter children from death.
Early intervention during times of loss and grief helps keep
children psychologically healthy and prevents the development of
later emotional problems.
Although children cannot speak about their feelings and emotions
like adults can, they still grieve. Even young infants under
six-months-old grieve. For example, infants have deep
relationships with their mothers and they grieve when their
mothers are absent.
For infants, six-months-old to two-years-old, there is a more
specific process of grieving. At this age, children are able
remember and visualize their mothers and learn that they are
separate individuals from their mothers. Children may protest
and withdraw to the absence of their mothers. Children may
become depressed and no longer seem interested in toys, food, or
activities.
The loss of a mother becomes more devastating as children are
able to grasp the specific difference of their relationships
with various members of their family. Grief is often expressed
by regression, such as clinging to others, wetting the bed, or
wanting the bottle back.
Adults often fail to recognize the impact of loss on children
and this can result in anxiety. With the loss of a mother, the
very security of the family is disrupted and children may
believe that their own survival is at stake.
Death of a parent can lead to withdrawal, irritability, and
severe depression. But, there are certain factors that can
influence the outcome of childhood bereavement. Such factors
involve:
1. Communication between children and adults about the causes
and circumstances of the death.
2. The nature of the surviving relationships in the
family.
3. The support given by the family.
Children exhibit their feelings through play and fantasy.
Children will share their feelings at unexpected moments and
often with only a phrase or sentence. This is an opportunity to
help children talk more about their feelings.
Grieving continues for many years for children. Since children
do not have the strength to deal with the pain in its full
intensity, a great deal of the pain may be turned inward. Their
pain may be expressed in misbehavior such as: seeking attention,
talking back, losing concentration and motivation, or decreasing
school performance.
There are common stages that everyone experiences after the
loss of a loved one. Mourners may not experience the stages in
any particular order and there is no pre-determined time limit
of how long someone may grieve.
Stage One: Shock and Numbness: Even when death is
anticipated, the immediate feelings following death are shock,
numbness, a sense of disbelief, and denial. Denial is a defense
mechanism. But the denial that protects a vulnerable and shocked
ego must slowly give way to the reality of loss.
Stage Two: Separation: Separation leads to a sense of
emptiness, loneliness, and isolation. Emptiness is the sense of
being diminished from within. Loneliness is the sense that one's
surroundings are also empty of people who matter or care.
Isolation is the sense of being divided from others.
Stage Three: Disorganization: The anxiety of separation
involves a process of disorganization and a fear about the
future. The fear and the disorganization are caused by
uncertainty, about functioning in a different role, and the
changes that are necessary after the loss of a significant
person.
Stage Four: Rebuilding: Integrating and rebuilding is
when death becomes a reality. Although the loss is sad it is
seen as a challenge and people develop new strengths.
It is wise for child care providers to encourage parents to
consult with a child's pediatrician to discuss loss of a child's
loved one. The pediatrician can suggest ways to help a child and
provide specific ideas about what kinds of behaviors to expect,
depending on what stage of development the child is in.