Conflict is a fact of life for all of us, but too many painful consequences are generated by avoiding or managing it in the wrong way. When we deal with everybody else day after day in any capacity as leaders or team managers, is inevitable that we will be personally confronted with conflict. Our jobs, our reputation and our own satisfaction level are contingent upon knowing a basic principle to understand interpersonal conflict. If you are a leader, you need to learn and apply this principle in all your interactions with people.
Concerning your original mindset, if you were growing in a family environment where conflict was seen at least as improper and at worst as a disgrace, you have learnt very early on to avoid it. It probably means that you will feel uncomfortable and scared by confrontations, and thus incapacitated to behave in a more balanced way. There is a simple principle that can help you view aggressive interactions through a new lens, and so help you to react in a more appropriate way.
In general, there is plenty of research that shows conflict as the point of confrontation between differing viewpoints. Since no two people view the world exactly the same way, disagreements are quite normal. In fact, anyone who agrees with you all of the time is probably telling you what you want to hear, not what he or she actually believes.
If we could separate logical from emotional aspects of conflict, it would be easier to deal with so many perceived differences. But the deep emotional roots of conflict ascribe different meanings to these differences, and being in any conflict also means to be risking some rejection, disapproval or love withdrawal, which is pretty emotionally painful.
Of course it is rather difficult to face these feelings, so rigid positions cover up anxiety and fear. We demand more and more when we are unable to face internal demands for recognition and support which, of course, are impossible to satisfy with requests for more money or concessions. Regardless, we continue pushing for more awards, making a win-lose victory an empty one.
So, here is the principle: Recognize the hidden signals of fear of rejection, isolation and lack of recognition under the escalating aggressive behavior displayed in front of you
Learn how to address specifically this point, as fast as you can.
Quite often, unrecognized frustration can lead to violence and other kind of aggressive behavior, as the means to find necessary redress. When the hope to obtain some recognition through conflict escalation is lost, what survives is the one-upmanship of competition, which recognizes no bounds set on self or other-preservation. The only thing that matters then is winning at all costs.
Now, we are going to examine three main areas where conflicts occur: in interpersonal one-on-one relationships; in meetings; and in negotiations. Although there are similarities between all of these areas, each one takes a slightly different slant depending on the setting where the conflict occurs. Let's take a look at each one in a little more detail and I will show you how to apply this principle.
Conflicts in interpersonal relationships
Sometimes in interpersonal relationships, such as those between you and one of your employees, or with a friend, there may be a conflict that you are not aware of. If someone who is normally upbeat and friendly toward you suddenly begins avoiding you or being silent or rude, there is usually a reason.
If the person has remained cheerful with everyone else except you, chances are you are dealing with a conflict situation. In these instances, you will want to address the problem by proceeding through the following steps.