Good News for Goofballs
I've found that there's a gap in the set of self-help and how-to
books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook,
and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or
start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering
waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a
dummy -- well, there are entire shelves at the local Barnes and
Nobles devoted to you. Dummies can learn about using computers,
and performing home colonoscopies, and operating complicated
voting machinery, among others. But there aren't any books to
help you cope with actually being a dummy. Until now. And
that's where I've stepped in to fill the void, with a set of
suggestions I'm calling 'How to Survive as an Idiot'.
You may wonder what qualifications I have for handing out such
advice. Fair enough. Let me put it to you this way -- I go for
the service plans when I buy appliances. I leave myself notes in
one pants pocket to remind me that my keys are in the other
pocket. And I play the lottery every chance I get.
Clearly, I'm an idiot. Meanwhile, I'm thirty-five years
old, which means that I've managed to survive an awfully long
time without any discernable mental capacity. Statistically, I
should have driven off a cliff or impaled my spleen with a nail
gun a long time ago. Since I haven't, I've decided to share my
survival techniques with the rest of the world's idiots. Here
are a few excerpts:
Pay Attention to Signs
Now, I know this is difficult. As idiots, we have the attention
span of a lobotomized cricket. But signs are generally very
helpful, and can help us to avoid many sticky situations. Take
the sign that's often hanging near roller coasters: 'Keep Hands
and Feet Inside Car at All Times'. That's a particularly useful
one, and has personally saved me several fingers and toes over
the years. Also, a word to the not-so-wise: it's best to keep
your head inside the car, too. I leaned too far left once, and
couldn't taste 'salty' for a week. True story.
Paint Your Car Like a Taxi Cab
Let me be very clear on this point -- I'm not suggesting that
you actually pick up passengers and drive them through
the city, looking for their destinations. If you're reading this
guide, then you're likely an idiot. There's a very good chance
that you shouldn't be operating heavy machinery like a car. Or
for that matter, the cigarette lighter. And heaven forbid you
should invite innocent civilians into your deathmobile; those
poor people never did anything to you. However, if your car is
painted like a cab, then you have free license to drive like an
idiot. Running red lights, jumping curbs, cutting through the
daycare playground -- it's all expected from your local cabbies.
Take advantage, and get that paint job done. It comes with a
free pine-scented air freshener, too. Those make for a nice
snack.
Don't Learn New Words
I understand that you want to better yourself. It's not easy
being an idiot; the temptation is always there to hoist yourself
by your own petard, up and out of the moronic muck. I know. I've
been there myself. I even went so far as to learn the word
'petard' -- and that's three weeks of my life I'll never have
back. I still don't know what it means, or how to pronounce it.
Is it 'PEE-tard', or 'PUH-tard'? 'PUTT-hard'? I have no idea. I
just know that we all have one, apparently, and that you're only
allowed to hoist your own. And if you hoist it more than twice,
then you're just playing with it. Pretty useless knowledge,
really. Let this be a lesson to you all.
Never Invest Your Money
Clearly, wise investment is a good idea. The gradual accrual of
interest and earnings over time is far preferable to blowing
your cash on idiot staples like scratch tickets, box wine, and
bad hairpieces. But the key word is 'wise'; as idiots, we
have about as much chance of picking a skyrocketing stock as
winning a Nobel Prize. Why throw our money down the toilet on
'investments' like Alaskan ice cube makers or Michael
Jackson-brand baby monitors, when we can enjoy our time spending
ourselves sillier? Either way, the money's gone. No need to
bring a financial consultant into the equation; that'll only
cost you more.
Hopefully, these tips will come in handy for those among us who
require such advice. The unfortunate thing, of course, is that
many of the people who would benefit most can't read in the
first place. Or navigate a mouse and keyboard to find this piece
online. But I have hope for my brainless brethren, anyway. And
why not -- I don't know any better. After all, I'm an idiot.