How I Feel About Pirates
Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other
people. The only people that should get to steal booty from
other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And
get to say, 'Arrrrr!' whenever I want.
Pirates are GOOD because when I do pretend I have a pet
parrot, and I walk around saying, 'Arrrrr!', people know
I'm acting like a pirate. If pirates had never existed, people
might think I had a speech impediment, and some sort of kinky
parrot fetish. That could be awkward.
Pirates are BAD because if you cross a pirate, you might
get keelhauled. I don't know whether I even have a
'keel', or where exactly I might be keeping it, but I'm pretty
sure I don't want some filthy one-eyed jackass with parrot poop
on his shoulder hauling it anywhere. Especially if having my
'keel' 'hauled' involves some kind of kinky parrot sex. Really,
I'm not into that. Honestly.
Pirates are GOOD because most of them are missing some
body part or other, which makes them cool and mysterious.
Anybody with an eyepatch or a hook for a hand, or a wooden leg,
or whalebone-carved genitalia has a compelling life story to
tell. Quite possibly in a high squeaky voice like a preteen
girl, but still -- what a story.
Pirates are BAD because I'm guessing that most of the
pirate-related injuries stem from hand-hook mishaps. Once a
shark or octopus or giant slavering sea cucumber has bitten off
your hand, you probably forget about the hook. And before you
know it, you're wearing a patch, carrying a cane, and whittling
yourself a new whalebone winkie. It's either that, or pirates
run with scissors a lot more than I'd realized.
Pirates are GOOD because some pirates are baseball
players -- in Pittsburgh, to be exact. Never mind that
Pittsburgh is six hundred miles from the nearest ocean;
apparently, these Pirates darken the waters of the Monongahela
River, marauding the muddy shallows in search of... well, I
don't know, really. Coal barges? Discarded teamsters? Industrial
runoff? Who can say? Whatever it is, it sure as hell seems to
keep them distracted from winning baseball games, so it must be
Pirates are BAD because some pirates are 'corporate
raider' pirates. And I certainly don't want some pasty old guy
in a suit taking over my office, making me 'walk his plank' and
'swab his poop deck'. I don't care how much money you
paid for the company; you'd better keep that whalebone wang away
from me, or I'll bury your treasure where the sun don't shne,
Pirates are GOOD because they always keep intricate,
detailed maps to indicate where they've buried their booty.
Apparently, the practice is to draw the map, then immediately
tear it into small pieces and hand them out, so other people can
have a shot at digging up the gold. Personally, I'm not so much
interested in the loot, but if I could get the piece that shows
me how to get to the outlet mall without three hours of traffic
gridlock, that would be super.
But pirates are BAD because to get their maps and booty
and such, you've got to battle them first. And for a bunch of
one-eyed hook-handed parrot-poking whalebone-wienered drunkards,
they apparently put up a pretty good fight. I guess all that
running around with scissors really pays off when it comes to
swordfighting and swashbuckling and the like. So even though
they could get you to the outlet mall, chances are, they
won't. You might as well ask Sanjeev at the SlushyMart for
directions, as much trouble as it's going to be.
So, pirates are BAD. But not that bad.
And that's how I feel about pirates.