Somewhere in the Middle
Renovating our lives from the inside out? What does that mean in
the currency? For some of my clients, it means they've left
behind their fast-track, frenetic pace and are living more
delicately balanced lives that are more aligned with their
values and priorities. They are trading a comfortable income for
a more modest one, at least in the short term. On most days the
personal gains dominate their experience; they enjoy their newly
unfolding lives. They can feel proud they had the courage to
step off the treadmill and into a more authentic way of living.
They appreciate having time and space for what's important to
them. They experience daily doses of pleasure and fulfillment
that reinforce their decisions, and are staying afloat
financially. But some days they panic.
Are these days of panic predictable? Absolutely. Likely moments
are when they feel a lull in their work, when they come across
an article in a national magazine about an old colleague
achieving something big, when their hard disk crashes, when
their kids are being unpleasant. And what do many do? They jump
immediately to an extreme conclusion. They may think, "I've made
a terrible mistake and will end up homeless, on the street, and
alone." Or, "I've thrown away my opportunities," or "I'm just
coasting," or "I'll never get away with this," or "Who do I
think I am?" They may forget to give themselves a grace period,
to allow for a time during which the outcome isn't clear yet.
Most likely, their back burner projects soon become active
again, new work comes in, potential clients call, and the idea
of coasting recedes into oblivion. They replace the hard disk,
the kids become charming, or at least civil, again, and the
ominous specter of failure disappears. But black and white
thinking has its cost, bringing unnecessary stress and anxiety
into their lives.
Black and white thinking is a classic pattern that shows up when
people worry or when they are uncomfortable with uncertainty in
their lives. You get a headache and jump to the conclusion that
you have a brain tumor. You are stepped over for a promotion and
conclude that you will soon be bagging groceries.
In the movie "Parenthood," one great scene shows the father,
played by Steve Martin, envisioning his little son's future. In
one moment, he sees the son as a young man receiving an award
for his great contribution to humanity; the son humbly thanks
the academy and the large audience gathered in his honor and
acknowledges his enormous gratitude to his father. In the next
moment, the father envisions the same son as a young man in a
high clock tower with a rifle, taking aim at the large crowd
assembled below. In context the scene is hilarious because it
captures a universal experience of parenting. There are times
when one wonders, "Am I raising a hero or a misfit? A
valedictorian or a an illiterate?" The truth is probably
somewhere in between!
Often, when you make changes in your life, you do so because you
are raising a standard. You want more meaningful work, more time
with your children, or the breathing room to have a more
spiritual inner life. You are trading an old belief for a new
one. Some discomfort is inevitable with such a major change
because you are out of your comfort zone and in new territory.
What's more, when the old standard you are leaving behind
happens to be 'The Standard' that the mainstream, dominant
culture adheres to, your level of discomfort can be intensified!
For the clients I mentioned earlier, a lingering belief in the
old standard prevails. The new one hasn't yet withstood the test
of time or proven itself to be viable. I call the old standard
"living at the speed of business," which comes from an old ad
campaign in which FedEx touted themselves as "moving at the
speed of business." I DO want my package to move at the speed of
business - but not my life! Many of us have lived the experience
of "moving at the speed of business." We feel exhilaration to be
part of an organization or project that is evolving at that pace
and intensity. Some thrive in it and believe it is the only way
to live. But for others, it is simply not sustainable.
If living in the fast lane has been a dominant principle for you
in your past, you may feel great hubris to chart a different
course now, trusting your life to have its own healthy,
self-generated flow rather than a driving pace fueled by
adrenaline and stress. Some days may come when anything short of
working full tilt, stressed to the point of hyperventilation,
seems like underachievement. You may be tempted to interpret the
discrepancy between your current life and your old life as
failure or letdown. But don't believe it!
You may have traded a higher profile for a richer experience.
You may have chosen meaningful work over highly paid work. You
may have stepped off the fast track in order to be on your own
track. Your own track may eventually lead you into more highly
compensated work than you ever imagined, but you don't know that
yet. Don't give in to the temptation of thinking in
all-or-nothing terms. The truth is probably at neither extreme,
no matter how vividly these polar opposites appear. The truth is
more likely to be somewhere in the middle.
COACHING TIPS:
1. Name an arena in your life where you are inclined to jump to
extreme conclusions.
2. What is one of the extreme outcomes that you jump to?
3. What is the equal but opposite outcome? In other words, if
your disaster outcome is that you will die penniless on the
street, the equal and opposite outcome would be that you will
achieve fame, fortune, and a great following.
4. What is the middle ground outcome?
5. Notice the next time you jump to conclusions of disaster, and
name what you are doing.
6. Look at three possible outcomes: the disaster, the opposite,
and the middle ground.
7. Choose the one that lets you work most effectively. Hold that
one in your thoughts.
If you're considering hiring a coach to help you with challenges
like these, contact me at sharon@stcoach.com for an initial
consultation at no charge.
Copyright 2003, Sharon Teitelbaum. All rights reserved.