Every Relationship is a Fairy Tale - if there is a Dragon!
Sounds ridiculous to say that, "Every Relationship is a Fairy
Tale." does it not? Yet if we look closer we may find out that
it is true. We may also find that we get a clearer understanding
of how to make our relationships work better.
The thing about fairy stories is that although they are
completely fictional; they are also completely true! It all
depends on how we look at them. They are true because of what
they tell use about human nature.
Think about this. Have you ever met someone who is a 'Princess'
who did not have a Dragon lurking around inside her somewhere?
The same goes for a Hero. Don't the Heroes we meet not also turn
out to have Dragons inside them too?
I don't mean this in a cynical way. On the contrary, a wise
understanding of this can help us to create healthier
relationships. Wisdom makes a better choice than cynicism.
Fairy stories are really representations of different parts of
what it is to be a human being and they illustrate what happens
if some of them get out of hand. Every character needs a chance
to play its part for us to be able to create healthy
relationships.
>From this way of looking at things; everyone has a Dragon, a
Hero, a Princess and King (and so on) inside them. It does not
matter whether we are male or female all these parts are in us.
It is just that some will be more active than others depending
on our personality and physical gender.
There are no real 'villains' in the story, because to be healthy
we need all the different parts - including the Dragon.
The Dragon is not 'bad' and the Hero is not 'good'. An
overzealous Hero may be constantly trying to kill their inner
Dragon for the sake of 'beauty and innocence' as represented by
the Princess. However, the Dragon offers its own powers,
insights and abilities. It gives us a fire in our belly and
without it our passion for life goes cold.
Think about what happens when a Hero kills the Dragon and
marries the Princess. Whose Dragon did he kill? If he killed his
own, what kind of lover will he be? Not much of one, I would
suspect.
If it is her Dragon that has been killed (in the story they
often have both conspired to do so) what will that do to her
passion for life? Our Hero would be better off with the Scullery
Maid as a wife. She knows how to 'tend a fire' - and not just in
the kitchen. (Perhaps the Scullery Maid is friends with her
Dragon).
Would a Hero marry a Scullery Maid? One who kills Dragons
wouldn't. But, one that understood the role of Dragons might. He
would be more likely to love a woman, and be there for her,
through the 'drudgery' of daily chores. A healthy man will not
be offended if her hair gets in a mess, or her 'clothes become
tattered and bare'. He would help her rather than be off
fighting needless causes.
If you are looking for a Princess, next time you find one, ask
yourself, 'OK, I see the Princess - but, where is the Dragon?'.
If you are looking for a Hero, and you find one, try 'OK I see
the Hero, where is the Dragon?'.
Many people don't do this and then wonder why the Dragon
suddenly sneaks up on them out of the blue! Or, they have held
back their own Dragon so long it comes roaring out and becomes
'The Terror of all the Land'.
Remember the Dragon is not really bad, it is just needs to be
given its rightful place. When you know where the Dragon lives,
and a bit about what it is like, you are beginning to get to
know the whole person. They are not really the Dragon, any more
than they are really the parts of themselves they are more
comfortable showing. They are really all of it and more.
Many men try to kill their Dragon when they meet a woman they
really like. A man may be tempted to disowns parts of himself
and become especially Nice. He tries to win her with flowers,
gifts and compliments. The woman may wonder what happened to the
interesting guy she was starting to like, as he has suddenly
been replaced by a rather gushy 'Hero'.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with flowers, gifts and
compliments (it might even work with a Princess). It is just
better when they are an expression of what the relationship
actually is rather than how one person would like it to be. It
is better to be authentic than to put on a show. That's why some
women end up with a mean guys. His Dragon may be a bit wild, but
at least its not dead!
On the other hand, we have probably all met people whose Dragon
goes on the rampage at the least provocation. Usually this
happens when we people have lost hope in finding their Hero or
in finding their Princess. Ironically, it is because they are
unwilling to love the Dragon in themselves, or in others, that
their own Dragon gets out of hand. They expect other people to
be 'too perfect' in an overly nice way.
After all, that is what the various parts of us need. We may
find it easy to love the Princess, or the Hero. Can we learn to
love the Dragon too?
I suspect that what we need from each other is help in
expressing our own Dragon in healthy ways. To be able to see the
other person at their 'worst' (or even at their most
magnificent) and stand in our Hero with courage and love for the
relationship's sake. When someone we care for gets a bit wild,
or hides in their cave hoarding their jewels, can we stay
confident in knowing that the other person is just finding their
way to a more balanced sense of themselves?
Of course, it also wise to know when something it too much for
us and it would be best to get out of a particular story.
Facing another person's Dragon can be fun. A woman I had been
involved with for a while once turned to me and said, "I think
this relationship is doomed!". She said it very dramatically and
rather than react I just started to laugh. I did not laugh in a
mocking way, but I did tease her a bit about what she said and
how she had said it. She looked at me oddly and headed off back
to her house. The next day she came back especially to tell me
how impressed she was with what I had done!
In facing a Dragon it is better to use just a light touch of the
sword (Sword of Truth, Sword of Wisdom, Sword of Humor) but it
is best to have a very sturdy shield! Your love and respect for
the Dragon in each other is your best shield.