We like things the way they are. Oh Yes, we want things to be different too, but we don't want to have anything change in order to have things different. The growing list of bankrupt lottery winners gives testament to this. That's an example of internal resistance to change. Internal resistance is born from our own ideas and beliefs about our world and ourselves. External resistance is when other people don't like the changes we are making and resist them. External resistance is what I'm going to explore with you here.

Families provide wonderful examples of this external resistance to change.

Most of us know that when we were little and got sick we were looked after. We maybe received a little extra attention, more cuddles, ice cream, stories read to us and so on. If those things only happened to us when we were sick we will have quickly learned the value of sickness – at a subconscious level. So at those times in our little lives when we felt particularly lonely or unloved, we probably developed an illness. The severity of that illness probably correlates quite well with just exactly how lonely, isolated or unloved we felt. Now let's just suppose that the carer, probably Mum, but maybe Dad, or a close relative, has learned that their role in life is to care for others. They only feel good about themselves, they only feel appreciated, when they have someone to look after. You can see how these two people could quickly become a team - a sickly, weak-constitutioned child and a parent whose world revolves around this one.

Let's move on a few years to teenagedom, and the sick child starts to do what all teenagers do and rebel. They start to exercise, eat better, and discover that members of the opposite sex are not interested in someone who is always ill. So there is a huge internal drive to break out of the mould. What would happen here is that the parent would feel threatened as the child needed them less. The child might discover that opposite sex friends were not approved of, or were found fault with by the parent. The child would be smothered with affection, or have love totally withdrawn in an attempt to control the situation.

In most families we all take on roles. Clever, successful, weak, sickly, artistic, stupid, mischievous, cheeky… we take on these roles because there is a need for them. We are groomed into them because the first time we do something in accordance with that role, we find approval in some form. And so we repeat the behaviour. We don't repeat the behaviour because we like, or are, the behaviour, but because we like the approval/love/hugs/kisses/treats that it generates. And then we end up believing that the role is us.

Resistance to change is a significant factor in the break up of adult romantic relationships. One of the partners wants to grow, wants to improve themselves, make new friends, or experience new challenges, and the other partner resists, discourages, and disparages. "Why do you bother, you'll never succeed", "you'll be no good at that", "why do you want to go out without me?"… when the real problem is an insecurity that fears the loss of a loved one, because they will be left behind and not found interesting any more.

Have a look at yourself and people you are close to and see if you can see any roles: carer, sickly, housekeeper, black sheep, mischievous, clown, comedian, serious, intellectual, smart-ass, stupid, clumsy, accident-prone, thick, emotional, hysterical, and so on, that have been taken on. And if you are willing to take a risk, try to stop behaving in the way that any role of yours dictates and see what happens. Or if someone else in the family has a strong role, treat them as if they were the opposite and see what happens. This will give you an idea of the power of these systems i.e. ideas, to keep people from fulfilling their greatest potential. The worst of it is of course that all this is happening without any awareness of what's going on, because it's all created by subconscious self-protective mechanisms that are designed to operate out of our awareness so we can concentrate on what's important.

The presence of this Power only becomes felt when one member of the group starts to rock the boat – because we don't like change. Mostly we don't like change that's out of our control. For instance if your boss tells you the company is letting go of some staff and you've got a month until you're out of work; that's panic stations for most people. Yet if you decide it's time for change and you tell your boss you're leaving in a month there's more likely to be a feeling of excitement and adventure. Yet what's actually happening is exactly the same in both circumstances. The feelings are different because in the first case we believe we've been disempowered, and the second we've empowered ourselves.

Start to take notice of circumstances when other people are pressuring you.
Signs of this are:
Lack of enthusiasm for your idea
Hostility
Lack of availability
No support
Discouragement
Praise for the way you have been
Emotional manipulation
Withdrawal of affection/intimacy/love
Domination
Sulking

These are just a few of the methods individuals use to manipulate others into behaving in a certain way. Just start to notice it, in your own family and with other people. It's going on all around, all the time. The interesting stuff happens when you start to resist the control that's always worked in the past.

You see, when you have only one strategy to get what you want, that's the only thing you can do to get what you want. Now, since most of us have been taught that whatever we're doing can always be done better, and that we must try harder. It doesn't take much thought to realise what happens when a strategy isn't producing the desired results and it's the only way we know to get what we want. What happens is that the strategy is intensified. The emotional manipulation becomes harder to resist, becomes more unfeeling, becomes more guilt inducing. Stuff from the past is dredged up "but you've always done it that way, why change now…", "you did this to me, you did that to me, you owe me". And if this doesn't result in you caving in and giving them what they want, it intensifies even more and becomes a battle for survival. Which is exactly what it is at a subconscious level.

I draw your attention to this, not to dissuade you from attempting to be who you really are, but in order that you can be forewarned, so that you know that under no circumstances can you allow yourself to give in to this manipulation. Rather, if you experience this, look with compassion into the eyes of the one who is so afraid of being themselves and realise that what they say isn't about you, it's about them. If you give in, you are teaching them that their strategy works. What you need to teach is that it doesn't. When they discover that it doesn't, they have no choice but to realise their mistake and look for a better strategy. While the old one works, they will keep it, and in keeping it, they keep you imprisoned in a role that was never you.

Change is scary, but it's the only way to experience the fullness of you, and be who you really are.

And on that note I'll leave you to enjoy discovering why it's so difficult to be just yourself.

Michael J. Hadfield MBSCH is a registered clinical hypnotherapist. You can experience his unique style on a popular range of hypnosis CD's and tapes at http://www.hypnosisiseasy.com Here you can also obtain treatment for a variety of problems and explore his approach to health, healing, and hypnosis.