What Creates Self-Esteem?
We all want to feel good about ourselves but many of us go about
this in the ways that will never create self-esteem.
Do you believe that you will have high self-esteem when:
* You make a lot of money?
* You achieve a high position in your work?
* You have an expensive car or an expensive home?
* You are famous?
* You find the right relationship?
* You receive approval from the important people in your life?
While all of these can result in momentary good feelings, none
of them create a deep and abiding sense of self-esteem.
Self-esteem actually has nothing to do with your achievements or
with other people. Self-esteem results from two things regarding
your inner relationship with yourself:
* How you see yourself
* How you treat yourself
Richard, a client of mine, is a very successful businessman. He
is wealthy, lives is a big house, has expensive cars, a lovely
wife and three children. But Richard consulted with me because
of his low self-esteem. He was perplexed that he continued to
feel so inadequate in spite of all that he had achieved and all
that he had.
As we worked together, it became apparent that, no matter what
the outer truth was, Richard continued to see himself as the
inadequate child his father told him he was. His inner dialogue
was often self-critical, just as his father had been with him.
And not only did Richard constantly judge himself as his father
had judged him, he treated himself as his father had treated him
- ignoring his own feelings and needs. As a result, Richard was
always looking to others for the attention and approval that he
didn't receive from his father and was not giving to himself.
Instead of being a loving parent to the child within him, he was
a harsh and inattentive inner parent.
Jackie, another client of mine, is a very successful actress.
Yet fame and fortune have not given her self-esteem. No matter
how many people tell her how beautiful and talented she is, she
still feels inadequate and insecure most of the time. This is
because, on the inner level, Jackie is constantly telling
herself that she is stupid. "How could I have made that stupid
remark!" "How could I have acted so stupid?" Mirroring her
mother's own self-judgments and her judgments toward Jackie, she
is constantly putting herself down. Until Jackie learns to see
herself through eyes of truth rather than eyes of judgment, she
will continue to feel inadequate and insecure.
It might make it easier to see how you create your own high or
low self-esteem if you think of your feeling self as a child
within. No matter how much you achieve or how much approval you
get from others, if you are treating your inner child badly - by
ignoring your feelings and judging yourself - you will continue
to feel inadequate. If you continue to see yourself through the
distorted eyes of your parents, siblings, peers or teachers, and
continue to treat yourself the way they treated you or the way
they treated themselves, you will continue to have low
self-esteem. If you open to seeing the truth of who you really
are - a beautiful divine soul who just wants to love - then you
will treat yourself as you would treat anyone whom you saw as a
beautiful divine soul. When you take loving action in your own
behalf, you will feel valued rather than inadequate. Loving
actions might include:
* Speaking up for yourself with others and telling your truth
without blame or judgment in conflict situations.
* Taking care of your body through eating well, getting enough
exercise, enough sleep, and so on.
* Creating a balance between work, rest, play and creative time.
* Treating yourself and others with respect and compassion
rather than with judgment.
* Attending to - rather than ignoring - your own feelings and
needs.
* Taking the time to pray and meditate.
* Choosing to notice your thoughts and practicing inner
self-discipline regarding your thoughts.
When taking loving action in your own behalf replaces your
inattentive and judgmental behavior toward yourself, you will
feel high self-esteem.