What To Do After You've Been Betrayed
It might have been your best friend, your partner, your boss,
your brother or even your lover. It burns deep inside. You can't
sleep for the anger, the shock and dismay. You may find yourself
still not believing it's happened to you. But it has!
When those we have entrusted with our money, our plans, our
strategies, our loyalty or even our love betray us, we feel
violated deep inside. We feel crushed. We wonder if we can ever
recover from this.
It is at this moment of realization that you will make some of
the most important decisions of your entire life. The three most
critical choices you will make - whether you realize it or not
are: (1) what to focus on; (2) what to believe; and (3) what to
expect from this point forward. These three choices will
determine the final impact this betrayal has on your life.
A LESSON FROM MICKEY
Most people don't know that Walt Disney suffered a great
business defeat early in his career. While living and working
out of his uncle's garage, Walt Disney had created a cartoon
character called "Oswald the Lucky Rabbit" and signed a contract
with Universal Studios to create animated short films about the
little fury critter that would be shown before the main feature
film at theaters. The short films enjoyed great success, but in
his youth and naivete, Walt did not realize that he had signed
away the rights to the character. When his contract came up for
renewal, Universal Studios refused to renew the contract and
announced that it owned the exclusive rights to produce films
using "Oswald The Lucky Rabbit." Walt was devastated.
Starting over from scratch, Walt desperately needed to come up
with a new character. The garage he was living in was infested
with rats and mice. Instead of sulking in his misery, instead of
turning bitter, instead of filing a lawsuit, Walt focused on
what he had left - his gifts, talents and abilities - and his
incredible imagination. Walt actually made a pet out of one of
the mice and kept it in a cage on his desk. Drawing inspiration
from his miserable surroundings, Walt created a cute little
mouse character that he named "Mickey Mouse." And the rest, as
they say, is history!
THREE CRITICAL CHOICES AT WORK
What made the difference? Walt Disney made the same three
critical choices that heroes have made for thousands of years in
order to turn tragedy into triumph.
HE CHOSE HIS FOCUS
First, Walt chose his focus. Instead of focusing on his
bitterness and anger, instead of focusing on his miserable rat
and mouse infested environment, he focused on the next most
immediate steps he needed to take in order to survive. He chose
to move forward. He chose to focus on what was in front of him,
not what was behind him. He focused on the few resources he had
left. He poured himself into his work and he started over.
HE CHOSE HIS BELIEFS
Second, Walt chose to believe. He could have decided his career
as a cartoonist was over, and that he could never make it in
Hollywood. He could have chosen to believe he could not compete
against the "big boys" and disappeared into oblivion. After all,
at that time, the only movies being made in Hollywood had real
live actors, not cartoon characters. There was no full-length
cartoon movie industry at that time, and no one knew whether
there was even a viable market for full-length cartoon movies.
Despite all this, Walt chose to believe, and he chose to keep
believing every new day that the sun came up. Through this
tenacious belief, and hard work, he single handedly created a
whole new industry. HE CHOSE HIS EXPECTATIONS
Third, Walt chose his expectations. He knew he could create
cartoon characters that audiences would love because he had done
it before. Failure was not an option. He expected to succeed,
and this gave him the motivation to keep moving forward.
Remember, "they" may take away your office, your status, and
your income. But they can't take away your determination to
succeed, your inherent abilities, your intelligence or your
creativity. These are the very things that have brought you all
of your past successes. These gifts, talents and abilities
haven't gone anywhere. Wherever you go, they are still with you!
LEFT FOR DEAD IN THE ANDES MOUNTAINS
In 1985, Joe Simpson broke his leg on his descent of a 20,000
foot mountain in the Peruvian Andes. Then after a second fall
left him dangling in mid-air off a cliff, his partner, Simon
Yates, cut the rope that tied them together. This rope was
Simpson's last and only hope for survival. Simpson dropped into
a long, narrow ice tube that went straight down. His body came
to rest precariously on a narrow ice bridge between two much
deeper vertical drops. He had two choices. He could either sit
there until death slowly overtook his freezing body, or he could
plunge into the dark unknown to meet death on his own terms. He
had one ice screw left, which he banged into the wall of ice.
Then he threaded his rope through it and somehow managed to tie
a crude knot in the end of it. This became his anchor as he
lowered his body into the deep, dark, icy unknown. To his
surprise, his body eventually came to rest on a flat surface of
snow. Then he saw a thin ray of light shining from the opposite
side of the cavern. There was a forty-five degree slope of ice
leading up to where he could just barely see a pinpoint of
daylight. This was the way out - if only he could reach it. He
bent over and dug a small foothold for each of his boots, which
were equipped with crampons (metal claws) for climbing. Then he
pounded his ice axe into the wall of ice above him and slowly
lifted his bad leg, then his good leg into the footholds, while
pulling his body up with the ice axe. Each time he put weight on
his bad leg, searing pain exploded up and down his leg. He would
scream and curse out loud. Then he would repeat the process. It
was at this moment that he made a critical decision. He chose to
focus on the pattern rather than the pain. Simpson says, "The
flares of pain became merged into the routine and I paid less
attention to them, concentrating solely on the patterns." He was
so intent on focusing on the pattern that he refused to even
look up to the object of his climb for fear that it would remind
him of the little progress he had made and how far he still had
to go. He knew where he was going, but it was more important to
focus on the pattern. The pattern was working - one inch at a
time - but it was working. After what seemed like an eternity,
he popped his head up through the snow to see a ring of
spectacularly beautiful mountains and blue sky. He had made it.
But now he had to figure out a way to get down the rest of the
mountain with a broken leg. Simpson was forced to experiment and
find different patterns of behavior to determine the most
efficient and least painful way to get down the 20,000 foot
mountain. He tried walking, but fell repeatedly. Nevertheless,
he tried to fall forward in the direction he knew he needed to
go. When he could not stand, he crawled, then tried to stand and
walk again. He walked, fell and crawled over and over again for
several days and nights without food or water. His focus made
the difference between death and survival. He would pick a spot
in the distance and focus on it. Then he would give himself a
deadline by which he had to get to it. When he finally got
there, he would pick out another spot in the distance and repeat
the pattern. It was a slow, agonizing process and his body got
weaker and weaker as he went. But, through the sheer force of
his will and the voice inside his head that kept commanding his
mangled body forward like a cruel drill sergeant, after several
days, he finally got close enough to his campsite where his
shouts could be heard. What can we learn from Joe Simpson's epic
tale of survival and Walt Disney's incredible comeback? CHOOSE
YOUR FOCUS First, when you find yourself reeling from a shocking
act of betrayal, make a conscious choice to focus on the
immediate next steps needed for survival - rather than on your
bitterness and anger. If you dwell on your anger it will consume
all of your creative energy and brain cells - the same brain
cells that you will need to come up with your next move.
Second, focus on the resources, skills, gifts, talents and
friends you have left - even though they may be few.
Third, don't throw good money after bad. Don't pursue litigation
unless you absolutely are being forced to do so. When you choose
to litigate rather than recuperate, the only ones who get rich
are the lawyers. Most lawyers joke that the winner in any
lawsuit is the one who has lost the least amount of blood in the
fight. History shows there are no real winners except the
lawyers. Turn the energy generated by your anger into a new
resolve to succeed against all odds. That's the best way to get
even. CHOOSE YOUR BELIEFS Make a conscious choice to believe
there is a way out. There is always a way out. You can survive
this and even prosper on the other side of this tragedy. But
first you have to make a very deliberate and conscious choice to
believe it. Then you have to pursue it. CHOOSE YOUR EXPECATIONS
Joe Simpson and Walt Disney both survived severe acts of
betrayal because they expected to survive. They had their doubts
at first, but with each slow and deliberate step forward came
another glimmer of hope. They gave themselves hope by getting up
and moving forward after each temporary setback. If you just sit
there and wallow in your misery, history will record that this
setback was your final resting place. If you get up and keep
moving forward, history will record that it was only a temporary
setback. If you expect to survive, your brain cells will
suddenly awaken with excitement. They will stand at attention
and await your orders. They will find a way because they have
been ordered to find a way. Expect to prosper again one day.
Expect to rise from the ashes of this tragedy. Create a
self-fulfilling prophecy, and then bring it to pass. You can
choose to write the final chapter if you want to, but you have
to choose to want to. GET ON THE HERO'S PATH Heroes throughout
history, like Walt Disney and Joe Simpson, have created a
well-worn path for us to follow by their examples. It is up to
us to choose to follow their footsteps. This is the first and
most important choice you can make. Will you wander blindly in
your bitterness, depression and anger, or will you choose to
follow the heroes' path?
"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." --
Confucius
If you choose to follow the hero's path, remember, the three
most critical choices you can make today - right now - this very
moment are: (1) what to focus on; (2) what to believe; and (3)
what to expect - from this point forward. Take conscious control
of your focus, your beliefs and your expectations and you can
determine the final impact of this tragedy on the rest of your
life. Get on the hero's path and eventually you will go places
where only heroes have trod.