Who Do You Need to Influence the Most? - Four Simple Skills,
When and How to Apply Them
Copyright 2006 The National Learning Institute
Do you need to have:
* Your manager give you more credit for the work that you do?
* Your partner acknowledge that your ideas are really worth
listening to?
* Your children accept more responsibility?
* Your friends take you seriously when you really mean it?
* Your customers buy more from you?
* Your suppliers meet your quality standards?
* Your team become more energetic?
Hey, couldn't the list go on! I'm sure many of us would like to
see some or all of the above occur (and probably a few more as
well). The key to being more successful in our interpersonal
endeavours, is to become more influential. Influence is no
longer considered a magic quality that is bestowed on some and
not others. Nor is it something we gain through holding a
position of power. Surprisingly, we can all improve our ability
to influence others by merely sharpening the influencing skills
we already have in our armoury and perhaps using them more
appropriately according to the situation.
The first step in applying our influencing skills more
productively, is to recognise the type of situation we are
facing. Is the person (or people) you are trying to influence at
all emotional about the topic? For example, are they worried or
excited, sad or happy? What are your feelings about the topic?
Do you have some basic needs that you must satisfy? If either
you or your influence target are at all emotional about the
topic, then you are dealing with a "feeling" type situation.
On the other hand, if both parties see the topic or discussion
as factual - i.e. logic and reason prevail over emotion, then
you are in a "fact" situation.
So, step one is to decide "Is this situation feeling or fact?"
As you might now expect, Feeling and Fact situations require
quite different influencing skills.
Let's say that you are a parent. You want to get your seven year
old child to tidy their room. All the reason and logic in the
world will not get the child to tidy their room if they don't
want to (no doubt many of you can relate to this!). Despite what
some of the parental guidleine books might suggest, experience
shows that you need to take an assertive (feeling) type approach
rather than a reasoning (fact) approach in such a situation.
However the assertive approach taken with your child will
probably not work when you want your boss to approve a new item
of budget expenditure (in fact it may even work in reverse and
get your budget cut!)
Let's look at how to manage the Feeling situations first. For
example, when a person comes to us with a personal problem, we
need to apply our reflective listening skills. Whereas, when we
have a very strong desire to get our needs met (for instance in
a tough negotiating situation), we need to apply assertive
skills.
Whilst these situations are quite different in their context,
both are feeling type situations - the first is dealing with
their feelings, the second is dealing with our feelings. Because
of this, each feeling influence situation is successfully
handled by using different influencing skills.
For feeling situations, the most powerful influencing skills are:
* Reflecting . . . The ability to really listen to the
underlying message being expressed by the other person (not what
they may be saying, but what they are really feeling)
* Asserting . . . Stating our own needs and expectations strongly
Fact situations on the other hand, require the skills of
questioning and suggesting. Whenever we ask open,
non-threatening questions we are using the influencing skill of
gathering data. e.g. "I'd like to hear more about your proposal.
What are the main reasons why you have suggested this?"
Whenever we put forward a proposal, recommendation or merely a
suggestion, we are using the influencing skill of suggesting.
And our suggestions can become even more powerful when they are
supported with strong reasoning. e.g. "There is only one system
on the market that meets these requirements and that is why I
recommend the P680".
For fact situations, the most powerful influencing skills are:
* Questioning . . . Asking fact-finding, non-judgmental
questions.
* Suggesting . . . Making proposals and suggestions supported by
two or three strong reasons.
Employing our natural influencing skills more productively on a
daily basis means:
1. Deciding whether the situation calls for feeling or fact type
influencing skills
2. Using the most appropriate feeling or fact influencing skills
for the situation.
So, next time you want to influence that important person in
your life, rather than barging in, step back a little and think.
Is this fact or feeling? What skills will be most appropriate?