Email Marketing Lesson: Your Marketing Reminds Me Of My
Grandmother's Saggy Underwear
I moved into a new office recently and was unpacking when I
realized I was fading fast and needed a caffeine fix. Seems my
Starbucks cappuccino machine had gotten lost with the movers. I
panicked.
"Now what?" I thought. I had never gone a full afternoon without
a latte. I knew something would happen if I didn't get one, and
it would probably be the kind of thing that would come up with
my therapist, so skipping my caffeine fix was not an option. I
already had two pages of issues we were covering. I guess the
unpacking would have to be put on hold.
I set my Starbucks radar on full alert and followed the trail of
casual business attire. Sure enough, two blocks later I found a
Starbucks on the corner. As I pulled open the door, a tiny
gentleman whisked in under my arm. And that is how I met Mr.
Pibs.
Mr. Pibs had been coming to that particular Starbucks since it
opened. Every afternoon about the same time as my current 'mind
fade,' he too needed a fix. We got our coffees and made our way
to the comfy chairs.
Mr. Pibs told me he was in wholesale pet supplies and owned his
own manufacturing facility. He started up 25 years ago with a
tiny shop in his garage and now leased a 200,000 square foot
facility and employed over fifty workers. We sipped our coffees
and chatted about business. I asked him how he marketed his
products to potential retail outlets.
"We have a subscriber-based mailing list," he said. "About 2500
quality pet stores across the US."
I was impressed! 2500 leads does not sound like much but these
stores had asked to be contacted. The stores were real,
potential buyers looking for product. "So do you keep in touch
monthly or do you find seasonal works better?" I casually asked.
"Monthly!" Mr. Pibs exclaimed in horror. "That would be $50,000
of postage a year! No, we send our full color brochure on an
annual basis, costs us about $4000 in mailing fees. I pull a few
ladies off the assembly line and get them licking stamps and
stuffing envelopes. We've been doing our marketing like this
since the second year we started. Sure is great that printing is
a lot cheaper these days. Saves us a bundle!"
I gagged on the foam in my cup and felt a familiar feeling come
over me. Before I knew it I was standing and waving my arms
around my head in large circles.
"Mr.Pibs, are you insane?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and
started to rant, arms waving. "What marketing cave did you just
crawl out of? Why not put your catalogue online? Why not use a
regular Email Marketing campaign to keep in touch with the pet
stores on a regular basis? Are you anti-technology? Why are on
earth are you sending all that stuff by mail?.." And then I
realized I hardly knew this man and was basically telling him he
was a buffoon. But I didn't have time to compose myself because
at that very moment, when I was in mid-sentence of my Email
Marketing rant, in walked my grandmother.
Crap! I had forgotten Grammy was going to meet me at my new
office! She quickly spotted me and made a beeline in my
direction. As she got closer I noticed she had a very odd
looking hat on her head. It was all bumpy and sort of looked
like a bag. I noticed a familiar looking label:
Victoria's Secret.
Since when did Victoria's Secret make hats?
But I did not have time to ask, I had to make Grandma think we
were supposed to meet at the Starbucks and I also had to make up
quick with Mr. Pibs before my new friend thought I was a lunatic.
I turned to Mr.Pibs, and noticed he was frozen, mouth hanging
open in shock at my Email Marketing, arm waving, soapbox speech.
Grandma grabbed the vacant seat next to Mr. Pibs and plopped
herself down, scooching her behind, desperately trying to get it
past the arm rests.
Mr. Pibs thawed and whispered in horror, "That women has a pair
of underwear -- on her head."
And sure enough my Grandmother did indeed have a pair of
Victoria's Secret underwear on her head, covering up a mass of
curlers.
I gasped.
"Child," my grandmother said, "I have been looking everywhere
for you!" Noticing Mr. Pibs, and unaware he and I had been
having a conversation, Grandma looked a little alarmed at my
tiny frozen friend. No surprise; the lack of color in his face
was hard to miss. "Tiny man," she said, "You look ill, is the
coffee too strong for your tiny stomach?"
"Grandma," I spoke slowly, turning toward Mr. Pibs. "This is my
new friend, Mr. Pibs." Then: "Mr. Pibs, I apologize for my Email
Marketing rant, this is my Grammy. We had a coffee date this
afternoon."
My grandmother stretched out her hand in a gesture of welcome.
Mr.Pibs sat still, staring at my grandmother's hair curler
cover."Woman, why is there underwear on your head?"
"Oh this?" she said, as she whipped off the over-stretched
skivvies, uncovering an array of pink and white curlers. "These
are old and all stretched out of shape from too many years on
the rear. This pair works great to keeps my curlers in place. I
upgraded to organic cotton underwear years ago."
And with that we, or rather Grandma and Mr. Pibs, laughed and
chatted away the afternoon. Those two hit it off so well I found
myself a little bored. Just as well, I could not get Mr.
Pibs''marketing strategy' out of my mind. Well, at least the US
postal service would not go out of business anytime soon with
Mr. Pibs around. I sat there watching those two laugh it up, and
shook my head in disbelief at my grandmother's Victoria's Secret
curler coverer. Mr. Pibs' marketing strategy was a lot like
those underwear. Old, out of shape, and all sagged out.
I met Mr. Pibs again for coffee (without the distraction of
Grammy and her head gitch) and mentioned to him that any company
that was not active online and using Email Marketing might want
to retire. He agreed that his whole approach should be put in a
rest home. It was kind of tough explaining all that Email
Marketing stuff to Mr.Pibs; he was a real Email Marketing newbie.
I struggled for a bit with analogies and realized the image of
those saggy underwear on my Grandma's head was a perfect place
to start. I kept going with the gonch theme and Mr. Pibs slowly
began to understand the difference in each type of Email
Marketing approach. We talked Email Marketing strategy and how a
drawer full of a variety of underwear styles was truly the best
option for total marketing support.
If you are having a tough time explaining Email Marketing to
your antique boss or your clients, feel free to try on some of
these. They worked with Mr. Pibs so I am sure they will work for
you.
Broadcast Messages are like Thongs: These little numbers work
great at announcing, "Hey look at me,look at all the stuff I
have to offer...right now!" You do want to exercise some
restraint, however. Just like you don't want to be wearing a
thong everyday, neither would you send a broadcast message
everyday.
Auto-Responders are like Full Figured Women's Petty Pants: If
you are not up on full-figured petty pants, they look more like
a pair of long tight shorts. Large figured women wear petty
pants to prevent the thighs from rubbing together. Similarly,
auto-responders prevent the chafing away of your time and
resources due to answering the same queries over and over and
over. Women's petty pants make all figures, regardless of size,
look like a million bucks. Auto-Responders make you look like a
hero with timely helpful responses no matter if it is just you
running the show or a whole office full of customer service reps.
Regularly Delivered E-Newsletters are like 100% Cotton Briefs:
For regular wear you can't beat a pair of 100% cotton briefs and
for customer retention you can't beat a regularly delivered
e-newsletter. Everyone prefers a different cut of brief
depending on the amount of desired coverage, and it's no
different in the email world. Every company has a different idea
of what their regular e-zine will cover and what kind of
promotion it will give their products and services.
Mr. Pibs and I still meet at the Starbucks once a week or so for
our afternoon caffeine fix. His company has really taken off
since he got on board with Email Marketing. I think he will
probably be moving into a larger warehouse in the New Year just
to keep up with orders. He even launched a new product line (via
email, of course)to celebrate - Pudgy Puppy Petty Pants.
And the infamous curler cover? We did not realize it until later
that day but Grandma's saggy underwear got left on the table at
Starbucks along with a business card I had whipped out during my
Email Marketing rant. I wonder who discovered the saggy gonch?
Would I ever find out? Would the discoverer of those skivvies
become a future client? I'll keep you posted if anything
materializes.
And me? My Starbucks cappuccino machine surfaced after three
months of traveling around the western states but I still find
my way down the block most afternoons. I've also been reworking
my own regular email marketing campaign in light of my decision
to try a lower cut brief for regular wear. Revealing more
product details is proving to be very effective. My conversion
rate indicates my customers are really appreciating the
increased exposure I'm giving my products and services.
Is your marketing approach a little sagged, over stretched and
worn out? Try Email Marketing on for size. It comes in all sorts
of cuts and styles guaranteed to boost your bottom line.