The Blonde Preservation Act
Geneticists theorize that in less than two hundred years there
will be no natural blondes left in the human species. Is
everybody else filled with as much horror and shock as I am by
this ominous prediction? Can you imagine what the world would be
like with Pandas, whales, Snowy Spotted Owls but no blondes? I
shudder to think about it, I really do. And you should be
shuddering, also, because think about it: With no blondes on the
Earth who are we going to be allowed to make jokes about?
Aside from that, why should we go out of our way to preserve
blondeness? Well, think about the standards we use to decide to
preserve other endangered species. Do you know what the main
over-riding factor that decides whether we choose to save one
line of animals over another?
That's right. The biggest factor that determines if animals are
going to be allowed by us humans to continue living is how cute
we think they are. I guarantee you that puppies and kittens will
be around forever because they are absolutely adorable. And talk
about Pandas - if they weren't so cuddly we wouldn't be making
half the effort to keep them around.
Non- cute species? Think about your reaction if I told you that
there was an insect virus that would kill off all of the cock
roaches and spiders tomorrow. Not too concerned, are you? In
fact, I dare say you might be a might bit happy with that news.
Forget about all the good things these insects supposedly do in
the ecosphere - they're icky. Now, think about that same virus
only this time it's a kitten and puppy virus.
Aha! That would be a national disaster. We would have every
available scientist up all night in their labs to find a cure
for that virus, wouldn't we?
So, we should use the endangered species act for blondes, too -
because they're cute. Well, most of them and that should be good
The first thing we as a country should do immediately is to
identify the natural blondes in our population. I had the idea
that we could enlist the medical establishment to do this. We
all know that there is only one real way to tell a real blonde
from a non-real blonde, so every physician would be given a form
that they would have to fill out and return to government
bureaucrats when they have a suspected blonde patient in their
examination room. The form would have one question: Carpet match
the drapes? Simple. Then they would send it in and the national
list of genuine blondes would be tabulated.
Once this list was compiled all blondes would have to be
registered. Why not? We register handguns, and this is every bit
as important as that. Next, the genuine blonds should be
identified from the general population with - maybe - a system
of arm bands or something that they would be required to wear
everywhere, since we don't want them slipping over the border or
Then we breed them. At first we could encourage this by a system
of tax breaks. However if that doesn't work and the number of
natural blondes continues to dwindle we would have to take more
stringent measures, like setting aside land for Blonde
Reservations, where we would send them all. The reservations
would be created to mimic their natural habitat, I envision them
as a cross between gigantic shopping malls and hot, trendy night
clubs. They would be kept there until there are enough of them
to re-introduce into the wild.
This sounds harsh, I know, but it's necessary if we want to keep
telling amusing jokes about them well into the future.