Is it a Child? Is it an Adult? No it's an Adolescent
I have been working with Teenagers for over 35 years. I learned
my trade initially by study, which gave me an outline and which
then was filled in and enhanced by the years of working directly
working with them. I still find adolescents the most
invigorating, challenging and often perplexing anthropogenic
species that I have encountered.
The following is about one area which perplexed me for some time.
I have seen families where everything seems to be fine. There is
plenty of love and time for the children, there are rules and
boundaries, the family do exciting things together but they
still manage to encourage the children to have individual
interests and plenty of their own time with friends. They even
have regular meals sat around the table together.
As the children get older they face the normal range of
difficulties often experienced in families with teenagers, such
as them becoming less cooperative, moody, room is a mess, coming
in late etc... The issues are coped with, family life is still
reasonable and life continues in a positive if tiring vein. The
teenager is doing more things with his or her friends and
parents are becoming taxi drivers and have to keep retuning the
car radio to the stations that they prefer. Parents deal with
the wishes to change of hair style or colour, tattoos, body
piercing and changes in clothing style, staying out later etc...
The good resolution of conflict and disagreement is common. Life
may not be as harmonious as it was but it is still reasonable,
with the parents understanding that this is all part of the
'growing up' process.
Then, often quite suddenly, war breaks out. The reasonable
teenager becomes totally uncooperative, discussions take place
at shouting level, direction and even offering advice becomes a
no go area. They stop telling where they are going, they come in
late, they refuse to eat with the family, they seemingly
challenge everything that the parents say, they cease to
understand the word 'no'. Parents feel that they are loosing
control and that their nice child has become a monster. However
at the same time, they are amazed and confused when parents of
their teenage friends praise them for their polite and likeable
teenager and wish that their own child was like theirs. Moreover
the school is not reporting any problems.
What is going on? Are the parents of their teenage friends just
being pleasant to hide their horror of your own child? Does this
monster of a teenager hate its parents so much that they are
trying to cause as much pain as possible? Are they going mad?
Are they on drugs? Do the parents have such poor parenting
skills that they are causing the problems?
To understand what is may be contributing to situations like
this we need to look at the different but natural and necessary
processes going on in the backgrounds of both the parents and
the adolescent. Good parenting enables the child to grow from a
helpless baby to an independent adult who is able to take charge
of his or her own destiny. The parents will have to the best of
their ability and resources, loved, fed and nurtured, clothed
and educated. They will also have endeavoured to protect their
child from harm, and often there will be a very strong desire
for their child to do well at everything. For most parents this
is a natural process, which comes from their inherent genetic
makeup which has been informed from their own upbringing and
life experiences.
During adolescence the teenager will be experiencing many
changes both physical and emotional. At times they will be
growing faster than at any time in their lives; puberty will be
arriving, causing a range of major physical and emotional
changes. Most will be facing pressures to achieve at school and
they are being pushed to make decisions that will affect their
future. They will be facing pressure from peers to dress or
behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world will be
exerting its pressures to convince them that their cloths and
products are 'cool' so every discerning teenager needs them and
in fact there is something wrong with them if they don't follow
the fashions.
All of this is pointing the teenager towards adulthood;
adolescence is the stage between being a child and becoming an
adult. We know that in the UK adulthood starts at 18, but when
does it really start? When are teenagers able to make informed
and responsible decisions about what they do and how to conduct
themselves? Understanding this may help parents to develop
strategies to reduce the sort of conflict described earlier.
Unfortunately there is no one defining point when childhood ends
and adulthood begins. For instance look at a 16 year old;
because of the parents' instinct to protect their offspring they
will probably see them as a child. My own son is 35 and a very
successful businessman, I still worry about some of the
decisions that he makes. The 16 year old will see himself as an
adult not needing anybody to monitor what he is doing, at that
age my son felt himself able to make life decisions much more
appropriately than his parents who were from a bygone age.
The truth is a 16 year old is neither child nor adult, more
childlike in some areas more adult in others. So life is
confusing and often made worst by conflicting responses from
parents and other adults such as teachers. 'Stop acting like a
child', 'no you can't stay out after ten. 'Why don't you grow
up', 'no you can't wear those cloths'. 'Why don't you take more
responsibility for yourself', 'no you can't spend your own money
on a motorbike'.
The adolescent's time clock is telling them that adulthood is
near which produces yet another confusion. Their emotions are
saying yes, I want to be part of this adult world but it feels
much safer to stay where I am. When you add the pressures of
adolescences to its physical and emotional turmoils you begin to
see why some teenagers start to attack, rebel or retreat.
So parents, if you want to avoid total war with your teenage
offspring remember that your ultimate task is guide them into
adulthood by gradually reducing control and allowing them to
learn from the mistakes that they will make, be there to help
them pick up the pieces and move forward again. Support and
encourage, try not to inhibit. Allow them to flounder and then
help them back onto their feet. Override your need to protect
them from all harm and allow them to grow through experience.
They will still need clear boundaries, but have the courage to
negotiate new ones with them. If they abuse these, have the
courage to implement the penalties for such misdemeanours. You
have the right to say NO but please give reasons for refusing
the request. Remember that following rules is an essential skill
that they will need throughout their lives.
Protecting your children is one of the most powerful emotions
that parents experience, at times it is so powerful that
unconsciously some parents try to slow the progress of their
teenagers into adulthood as a way of delaying the 'having to let
go'. If teenagers are enabled to reach adulthood by enjoying
their adolescence they will grow into more confident adults and
probably end up having better relationships with their parents.
If you need additional information or help concerning any issues
connected with parenting teenagers go to
http://www.peter-jackson.me.uk/