Overcoming Fear Of The Dark
"I'm at my wits' end. I just don't know what to do with her."
This comment came, not from a parent whose teenage daughter was
causing havoc, but from one whose teenager was still
experiencing fear of the dark. And the problem was getting worse
rather than better.
The fear was also affecting the girl's school life. She lacked
confidence in herself, was exceptionally timid, and was easily
threatened by new experiences. A parenting nightmare!
Yet our kids have very few fears when they are born. Fear of
falling and fear of loud noises are the main ones, and the rest
are learned as they grow older.
A conversation with the mother soon revealed that the girl had
"always had a fear of the dark", but the mother was less
forthcoming when asked how she and her husband had addressed the
situation. Apparently, it had been a case of ignore it and it
will go away; she'll soon grow out of it. After all, they didn't
want their daughter to become a 'softie', someone who needed
attention and help at every turn.
Yet that's exactly the type of child they raised.
If a fear is neglected like this, the chances are it will grow
and may even require specialist help . The girl in question
received such help. But what can be done to ensure fears don't
reach that stage, thereby avoiding a life of misery?
Selma Fraiberg in her classic book, The Magic Years,
said: "The future mental health of the child does not depend on
the presence or absence of ogres in his fantasy life. It depends
on the child's solution to the ogre problem."
And the child's solution will depend very much on the parent's
solution!
Anger, impatience, anxiety, concern - all these reinforce fear
Repressing a fear will bury it and allow it to grow. Fears love
the dark.
Comfort, reassurance, calmness, humour, friendliness, affection
- all these help dispel fears.
But what exactly is the child afraid of? And why do fears
usually develop around the ages of 2 -3?
At that stage children become aware that the world is not the
safe haven they thought it was. As they explore this vast new
adventure, with all its exciting possibilities, they soon learn
that the universe does not revolve around them.. Everyone and
everything does not defer to them. This can be both hurtful and
frightening.
Fears then start to build in the child's mind. They learn about
death and injury and suffering. And the imagination translates
these fears into ogres and monsters. Some children are more
sensitive than others, and their imaginations really run wild.
Unwittingly, some parents reinforce these fears by drawing on
folk tales or religious imagery as a means of gaining control.
"Behave or the bogeyman will get you."
"The devil will come for you if you are bad."
These attempts almost always backfire and scare the child rigid!
It's one thing to teach a child about evil in the world and the
need to avoid it, but it's another to cause the kid to worry
about devil-like creatures lurking in every shadow, waiting to
pounce and carry them off to hell!
What practical steps can be taken to zap fear of the dark once
and for all?
Firstly, always take a child's fears seriously. Never ignore a
plea for help
Some parents fear that if they indulge their child's plea then
the child will become a weakling.
As seen in the example above, nothing could be further from the
truth. If fears are repressed they can go on causing havoc for a
lifetime - quite literally.
Reassurance is the order of the day. How?
Remove whatever is prompting the fear. This could be the absence
of light in the bedroom. It could be spooky noises coming from
an old water or heating system, it could be curtains fluttering
in the dark.
Make the child feel comfortable. Then face up to the fear with
him. Show him that there's nothing under the bed, or go to the
window and show him there's nothing in the backyard.
Let her know that she's normal! Assure her that everyone feels
these fears at her age, and it's just a reaction to some of the
things they've heard or seen during the day. Positively affirm
that no harm is coming to her, that she is perfectly safe..
Then let them practice being on their own. Leave a night light
on. Its amazing how many parents think this will 'spoil' their
child.
Well, in my work over the years I've seen the result of this
approach - that is, kids who lack confidence in almost every
area of their lives, whose lives are driven by fear. Tough kids?
You must be joking.
No, the fear must be dispelled before it's had time to worm
itself deep into the subconscious and take root. Weed it out
before it has time to grow.
Another reservation parents have is that once kids realise they
get attention from being afraid of the dark, they'll play on it.
First of all, we must ask ourselves why would our kids need to
seek an inordinate amount of attention? Could it be because they
have not been getting sufficient attention, for whatever reason?
Attention-seeking is always a symptom of a lack. Address the
need and the symptom will disappear.
'But won't I just be building up a need in my kid for attention
at night, and making them dependent on my presence, or a
nightlight, or keeping the door open, or having to check on them
every five minutes to reassure them?'
This is where trust comes in. You must trust that by constantly
reassuring your kids and making them feel relaxed and secure,
the demons or ogres will be banished.
And they will. Once that happens then all the above needs will
quietly fall away. It may take more time with some kids than
with others - but the fears will slip away, and that is vital
for a happy, contented, self-assured childhood, and by
extension, adulthood.
Happy parenting!