The Root of Attachment Challenges...Trauma, Trauma, Trauma!
Many children with severe behaviors such as chronic lying,
stealing, aggressiveness, defiance, setting fires, bed wetting,
poor parental relationships, etc., are increasingly being
diagnosed as having an attachment disorder. Though having a
label may initially give parents some relief in being able to
identify the condition their child is struggling with,
typically, it only creates a scenario for frustration, guilt,
blame and resentment. Unfortunately, a diagnosis in the mental
health profession is rarely a positive thing. No parent wants a
child with a diagnosis because it implies some inherent defect
of the child. To have your child labeled as having Reactive
Attachment Disorder will typically not bring a parent any
heightened sense of relief. We must begin to understand the
children demonstrating such serious behaviors as the ones
listed, among many others, have all typically experienced some
degree of trauma. Historically, our understanding of trauma has
been limited to the horrible experiences depicted in the media;
however, trauma occurs in many more situations that we are not
even remotely aware of. Especially as it regards small children,
trauma can occur through the adoption process, foster care, loss
of a parent, frequent moves or caregivers, prolonged illness,
divorce, parental depression, automobile accidents, and the list
goes on and on. We must understand that trauma is any
stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or
unpredictable. When we have not had an opportunity to cry,
talk, scream, grieve, and mourn a traumatic event, sometimes
repetitively, that experience has the ability to impact us
throughout the rest of our lives. When a traumatic event has
occurred early in a child's life, it can have an impact on the
system responsible for helping him to handle stress, respond
appropriately to fear, and form lasting attachments with others.
This system is referred to as the regulatory system. When this
system is impaired, it leaves the child stuck in a pervasive
state of fear and easily overwhelmed by the seemingly mundane
task of daily life. Rather than being disordered in attachment
relationships, the child is extremely challenged in the presence
of stress within any relationship.
The Influence of Early Relationships
Our earliest relationships create blueprints for all of our
future relationships. These early experiences in relationships
create the lens through which we view others. Every interaction
that we have with another individual is influenced by our own
personal past experiences. John Bowlby, the father of attachment
theory, espoused that the first three years of our lives
establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships.
Upon reflecting at the differences between my sister's earliest
relationship blueprints and my own, it is not difficult to
determine that at even such an early age, she was already
imprinted on a physiologic level to view human relationships as
not safe. When we consider trauma in the lives of children it is
important to realize that the majority of traumatic experiences
occurring in their lives typically involves some aspect of human
relationship. If a child has been abused, battered, or neglected
by the individual that is supposed to love her most, then what
would make subsequent relationships appear any safer? From
infancy to adulthood my sister and parents struggled to be
attached. The legendary attachment pediatricians, Marshall Klaus
and John Kennel, inform us that attachment is the behavior of
the child to the parent, and bonding is the behavior of the
parent to the child. In the mental health profession, we have
fostered an imbalance of influence. A child cannot develop
attachment with a parent struggling to bond. Thus, unwittingly,
an almost impossible task was set in motion between my sister
and my parents. Regardless of the trauma issues that my sister
carried into the family, my own parents equally brought their
own. As you can imagine, the family experience, the experience I
refer to as the 'secret life of the family' was not very
attractive.
The Role of Stress in A Child's Life
Stress is a very natural and necessary aspect of who we are. We
need stress just to live, but when stress becomes overwhelming
or is not interrupted, it can damage not only family
relationships, but it can also damage the brain. Looking back
now I realize that I excelled socially, academically, and
athletically. Internally, I struggled to live in a world I
viewed as overwhelming. To compensate I lied, stole, cheated,
manipulated, set fires, killed animals, and occasionally bullied
other children. Because I was intelligent, many of the adults
never had a clue. My sister, on the other hand, struggled both
internally and externally. Externally, she failed socially,
academically and athletically. There were frequent fights at
home brought about by what my parents had learned discipline was
to be like for all children. They didn't understand that this
child was different. They took it personally having a withdrawn
and immature child who preferred playing with children far
younger than herself. It wasn't their fault or hers. Her only
means of communicating her anxiety and depression was through
behavior. Such communication repelled most and led to
relationships being based in fear and rejection. My parents,
with hopes of having the family they had dreamed of, felt
insecure, hopeless, and overwhelmed by the task at hand. These
children were difficult; at least one of them was anyway. And
the other had his moments, but so much less frequently they
thought. Our family lived and struggled each day. My sister
continues to struggle, continue to live out those early
blueprints and recurring negative relationships. I continue to
struggle, yet have been able to put life into perspective, not
by any personal remarkable efforts, but by having more positive
relationships than negative ones. As my mother says, "We just
didn't understand."
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