Helping Kids with Divorce
Most psychologists agree that divorce per se does not
necessarily cause psychological problems in children. Certainly,
there are many situations where divorce is necessary; but the
fact is, there is no agreement among the experts on how bad a
situation must be for a child to benefit from divorce.
Understandably, the biggest worry and the greatest heartache for
divorcing parents is how the divorce will affect the kids. Here
are some considerations for divorcing parents for children in
various stages of development:
Babies and Toddlers:
For babies, the impact of divorce is indirect. Divorce for a
baby can be felt in two extremes. When they are neglected
because of the emotional turmoil of the divorce on their
parents; and when they are smothered because of the neediness of
the parent (usually the mother) during the divorce process.
Avoid the extremes.
In the Toddler (18 months - 2 years), fears of separation can
intensify and the child may have anxiety around the many changes
that are occurring in his/her life. Boys, especially, do not do
as well because they are beginning to identify with the father
who is often the one who leaves (in approximately 90 percent of
divorces).
With babies and Toddlers, parents can be mindful of the need for
consistency in the child's life. For the custodial parent, it is
important not to over or under-parent the child. The impact of
divorce is probably the least severe at this stage, but babies
and Toddlers do feel the stress of divorce, even if they cannot
verbally express it.
Preschoolers:
For all of the inquisitiveness and curiosity, children of this
age can't really differentiate between reality and fantasy.
Divorce can create much fear and confusion. If at all possible,
parents should tell their children about the divorce together.
Admit to the child that the parents are sorry but they are no
longer happy together. Also express feeling unhappy about the
divorce so the children will feel less isolated in their
sadness. Explain the situation to them in concepts they can
understand and do not get into legal or other issues that don't
concern them
The very most important thing parents can do after a divorce is
continue to be parents to their children. Children will take the
lead from parents who are consistent, kind, and calming.
Although the pain of divorce is felt most strongly at this
Preschooler Stage, the recovery time is also short. It is
essential that the parents establish continuity by recreating
their own distinct households as soon as possible.
Six to Eight:
Freud called this stage the "Latency". Anger, fear, betrayal,
and a sense of deprivation are characteristic responses to
divorce of children this age. But above all, these children feel
sad. Easing the pain of divorce for these children is very
difficult. But there are some commonsense strategies to help.
Some experts suggest that children in this age group be told 2
or 3 weeks before the expected separation. But this may not be
realistic given how divorce occurs. Since this is a particularly
difficult stage (Latency), children really do not want the
divorce under any circumstances, so do not spend a lot of time
trying to make the children feel better. Just reassure them that
they will be loved and cared for by both parents and move
quickly toward setting up separate, consistent, households.
Nine to Twelve:
This stage is "Late Latency" and carries both good and bad news.
The good news is that the child has the maturity to understand
better and they have developed a world outside the family with
friends and activities they care about. They are likely to see
the divorce as their parents problem and not theirs. The bad
news is that children is this stage are just developing their
morality and see things in black and white. They may react with
righteous anger when confronted with behavior in their parents
that they perceive is hypocritical. Kids of this age don't take
the divorce laying down, they will be angry and will let you
know it.
Most of this extreme reaction will be gone within a year. But it
is important for parents to address certain issues so that they
do not hang on and create problems for the child later in life.
Defusing the anger the child has toward the parent he/she holds
responsible for the divorce is extremely important. While it is
important to be honest, trashing the other parent or engaging
the child as an ally against the other parent is wrong. It may
not only prevent the child from moving on, it may backfire on
the parent who has poisoned his mind against the other parent.
On a practical note, do what you can to get your preteen child
involved in activities with peers. This will help with
self-esteem and will give the child positive input when they are
feeling angry and upset.
Teenagers:
Guiding teenagers through the upheaval of divorce is not as
difficult as it is for younger children. If the child is fairly
stable up to this point, he/she will be upset but not seriously
disturbed by a divorce. Again, it is important to be honest. Now
the teenager is able to understand the "grey areas" of human
experience. But, even though teenagers can seem mature, they
still need to have positive feelings toward each parent. Again,
do not focus your energy on vindictive attacks on your ex. If
nothing else, it makes you seem immature to your teenager, and
can come back to bite you later.
We do know that the most important factor in facilitating a good
transition for children of divorce no matter what the age is the
ability of the divorcing parents to get along. Children who have
parents who are respectful of one another and co-parent do much
better than those who have resentful, feuding parents. The
overriding principal for parents who are in the divorce process
is to be appropriately honest and forthcoming with their
children. Children are far less fragile in their regard than
most parents realize. What is difficult and confusing and much
more difficult to handle is parental evasiveness and
half-truths. However painful, the truth fosters trust and gives
the child the security of knowing exactly where he or she
stands. Divorce is a difficult process for everybody involved,
children will feel the stress of a changing family, but they are
also resilient and more able to cope with change than we may
think.