The hardest lesson of all: teaching children about death
How many uses can you find for a dead fox? When I happened upon
one recently whilst out walking with my children, the poor
lifeless creature suddenly became the catalyst for an important
family moment. It was an opportunity to talk about death. You
won't find 'thanatology' on the curriculum at school, yet it's
the one subject that every child will have to deal with at some
point. Thanatology is the little known word used to describe
death education, a taboo in our society, especially when dealing
with children. They learn about birth in sex education, but our
final rite of passage is rarely acknowledged by either school or
home.
It is estimated by Winston's Wish, a charity that works with
bereaved children and their families, that 5% of children will
experience the death of a parent or sibling, and 10% will lose a
parent, carer, close friend or relative. Most children will be
aware of the death of someone more distant, or will lose a pet.
No matter how idyllic we try to make childhood, death will
always be there to cast a shadow.
The modern child's relationship to death is likely to be a
puerile one. Many children are exposed to high levels of
glorified violence and death through television and video games.
At Halloween they play ghoulish games to confront fears about
what lies beyond the grave. However, most children are unlikely
to have ever seen a real dead body, or possibly even had a
meaningful conversation with an adult about our final destiny.
It is important that we share with children the reality of
death, not in a morbid, fearful way, but as a natural process
and great mystery. We all want children to inhabit a happy,
positive world, but to deny them the reality of death also
denies them something about the reality of life. In the words of
the popular spiritual writer, the late M.Scott Peck, 'When we
shy away from death, the ever-changing nature of things, we
inevitably shy away from life.' Also, if we do not allow the
concept of death to gently permeate children's lives, they will
be ill prepared if sudden tragedy were to strike.
The children's bereavement charity The Gone Forever Project is
pressing the Government and Teacher's Training Agency to include
death education in the school curriculum. It wants to ensure
that all teachers are trained in the awareness of the issues
which surround loss and bereavement, as part of their initial
training. Teachers can include death education across the
curriculum, as part of emotional literacy in Personal, Social
and Health Education, or funeral rituals in Religious Education.
Death could also be discussed in science lessons in terms of the
lifecycle of the natural world. Schools also often have to
respond to real deaths, either of a pupil, a parent or teacher.
My son's junior school recently held an assembly in memory of
one its pupils who had died of leukaemia. Helium balloons were
released by the children with goodbye messages. Holding such a
ceremony was controversial amongst the staff, some of whom
thought it might be unnecessarily upsetting. When I went to
collect my children, many pupils were weeping. It was terribly
sad, but I felt that as well as being an important farewell
ritual, it also reminded us all of the value of life. Parents
and children seemed to be acutely aware of how much they loved
each other that day.
Parents will find that opportunities to discuss death with their
children will spontaneously occur. On the simplest level you can
point out to your children the cycles of birth and death that
exist in nature. Notice together how the flowers first bloom,
then die, how autumn and winter follow spring and summer.
Discuss the ageing process by observing the physiology between
old and young; and like the fox we found at the roadside, there
are likely to be animal corpses to contemplate.
The death of a pet often provides children with their first
experience of personal grief, and for this reason is a positive
learning experience. When a child's pet dies a parent needs to
be sensitive about the loss, no matter how small the animal. An
important way of doing this is by making sure there is a
thoughtful goodbye ritual. This reassures the child that the pet
was cared for, as well as providing a focus for their
bereavement.
Debbie Orme runs 'Goodbye My Pet' a company that makes
attractive cardboard pet coffins and grave markers. It also
supplies a helpful ceremony book to guide parents and children
through a simple pet funeral at home. 'I get lots of letters
from families telling me how much the funeral helped them all
come to terms with the loss of their pet. Parents also say that
the experience enabled the family to share their beliefs and
feelings in a way they wouldn't normally. Adult pet lovers have
used my coffins and ceremony booklets too, with similar
results.' Debbie Orme believes that although the loss of a pet
is a sad event for children, if handled well, it can also become
a meaningful and memorable family experience.
Children all deal with bereavement in different ways. Typically
they may express their feelings through actions rather than
words. Young children may wet the bed, cry and seek attention or
feel unwell. Older children my display changes in personality,
show sleep and appetite disturbances, find it hard to
concentrate at school and become depressed. Some children may
show no obvious signs of bereavement at all initially. It is
quite usual for grief to come in waves and for a child to feel
sad one moment, and the next seem perfectly happy. Although
talking to children about the death of a person or animal that
they love may be one of the hardest things we ever have to do,
it is one of the most important ways we can help as they journey
through their grief.
Children's levels of understanding about death
Under twos Have little concept of death but will still
miss the deceased and sense the upset.
Two to four year olds Find it hard to understand that
death is permanent, and may ask when the deceased is coming back.
Five to ten year olds They begin to understand the
finality of death, and can have lots of questions about it.
Adolescence The finality of death is more fully
understood. It may be a time of high emotions, and a reluctance
to open up and share with you.