Why Increase Your Emotional Intelligence?
First of all, what is emotional intelligence? I bet you've read
some fancy definitions, and maybe even some of the academic
articles trying to distinguish between emotions, feelings and
moods. Part of emotional intelligence is what we could call
"common sense." So, some common sense definitions of emotional
intelligence (EQ) would be understanding your emotions and those
of others, being able to sense what's going on, being able to
manage your own emotional state (taking the information but not
getting drowned in it), good reality-testing, and good
communication skills.
Emotions give us information but don't need to be acted upon
without thought. For instance, anger is good for telling us what
we want but not for getting it.
Emotions aren't "better" than thinking. Emotional intelligence
is about the interface between the two. Good judgment and
maturity require a balance between the two, i.e., you might feel
like hitting someone, but if you stop and think, you'll realize
it won't get you what you want, and also might land you in jail.
However, cognitive reasoning isn't enough alone. In fact it can
rarely answer the most important questions in life. Say, for
instance, you are listening to someone trying to talk you into
doing something. They build a good intellectual case, but - and
here come the intuition words (part of high EQ) - something
doesn't feel right, you smell something fishy, he makes your
flesh creep, or you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach, a
"gut feeling" that you shouldn't do it. "Sounds good, feels bad."
Many of the virtues combine emotions and thinking. Character
requires competencies such as authenticity, personal power and
Intentionality. It requires more thought to act with character,
more self-control. The easiest route, the one dictated by pure
emotion, is not always the best course of action, i.e., it's
easier to blame someone else than to accept your own
responsibility. However, character also requires acting from the
heart. Employees who are under-producing do so for different
reasons, and require different remedies. One may be suffering
through a divorce and temporarily distracted. Another may be an
inveterate slacker whose life goal is to take advantage of
everyone, including employers. A third may be lacking in
technical skills and need additional training. The good manager,
the one with EQ, knows the difference, just as the good parent
knows that one child's learning style requires that she know the
"why" and then she will conform, while the other responds best
to quickly-dealt consequences, without the rhetoric.
One reason researchers began to define the field of emotional
intelligence is because we know intuitively that cognitive
intelligence has its limitations. We see it all the time -
people with high IQs whose lives are a mess because of naivete,
poor social skills, or abrasiveness.
Emotional intelligence defines the competencies that contribute
to such vague constructs as "getting along," "maturity," "common
sense," and even "street smarts."
For the good life, for authentic happiness, cognitive
intelligence is not enough. No less than Stephen Hawking,
Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge said, "It is not
clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value." He's
alluding to the fact that bacteria will probably be around after
humans have destroyed one another and much of the planet. But
let's take it in another direction. While cognitive intelligence
is clearly needed in a complex, technological world like ours
today, it alone is not the answer to what makes our lives worth
living - relationships that nurture us, compassion and empathy
for others so we do not live in isolation, inner peace, the
ability to self-soothe in a sometimes frantically stressful
world, and personal power, a sense that we can act upon our
world and are not simply victims. It's the basis for our ability
to connect. Without it, you can be "isolated" in a room full of
people, and isolation is worse for your health than obesity,
smoking and high blood pressure - combined.
So don't let yourself fall into the either/or trap; in fact such
flexible thinking is part of EQ. Goleman is often mis-quoted as
saying that EQ is more important than IQ. He said it "can be,"
and your gut feeling will lead you to the same conclusion, as
well as a plethora of research showing that success in the most
important aspects of life is more likely with the development of
emotional intelligence competencies.
Perhaps the biggest selling point about emotional intelligence
is one that's often missed: it's crucial to our wellness. Our
emotions affect our immune systems directly, and our immune
systems are our health. A few minutes of anger will suppress the
immune system for a number of hours. Can you afford to go
without your immune system for hours because of a traffic jam, a
co-worker taking your yogurt from the 'frig, or an incompetent
public servant on the telephone? We have antibiotics for
bacteria, but for viruses, like bird flu, our only line of
defense is our immune system. If you think it's not a good idea
to go without yours, do you realize you have a choice in you
react to things? That's EQ.
Emotions come unbidden. Some are instinctive, coming from the
reptilian brain. We experience them as physiological 'symptoms'.
If someone jabs their elbow into your rib, your body will
automatically go into "fight or flight," with increasing blood
pressure and heart beat, pounding pulse, tension in the pit of
the stomach. In addition to stressing your body, they pull blood
and oxygen from the thinking brain, limiting your ability to
think. Sounds like something you'd like to have a handle on?
It's possible to limit the intensity, duration and effect.
Other emotions are intricately bound with thought. With a full
stomach, you wouldn't likely mind that you were the only who
didn't get a cookie if you didn't have an intellectual sense of
"justice" and "fairness," which therefore makes you "angry." And
if you didn't think a religion when you saw a cross, you would
not have feelings one way or the other about seeing one in a
courthouse.
The less you understand emotions, the more irrational your
behavior is likely to be. This is why people say "I don't know
what came over me," "I wasn't acting like myself," "I don't know
what happened, I just went crazy," t must have been a weak
moment," and even "the devil made me do it."
Developing your emotional intelligence is one of the smartest
things you can do. Emotions developed before cognitive
intelligence (as you know from your baby). They are stronger
because they have to do with survival. Being able to harness
them and use their energy wisely will allow you to make better
choices in your life. It's about what works and what doesn't,
and that begins with understanding the most powerful force
within you, your emotions. Either you control them, or they
control you.
We are our emotions ... so why not get to know "us" better. If
you don't understand why you do things, or why others behave the
way they do (and words are a behavior), all the book learning in
the world isn't going to help.
The most effective way to learn emotional intelligence is to
work with a certified EQ coach, where you learn principles and
applications, and practice them with feedback. You can't just
read about it, it isn't like self-help, because it involves
limbic learning. You must put it into practice and get some
guidance. If you already knew what it was like you'd be doing
it, because it would make your life work better. In that way,
it's quite self-motivating.
The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned.
What are you waiting for?