Being There: A User's Guide to Mindfulness
I'm on the phone with my son, who's telling me a story. But I'm
also checking my email. "So what do you think?" he asks. My mind
goes blank. I have no idea what he just told me. "I'm sorry,
honey, could you go over the last part?" I get up and move to
the sofa, determined to pay attention and to be there--really be
there--for my boy.
I get in the car and turn on the radio. A piece of music comes
on that rubs me the wrong way. As I reach over to change station
I think, just for kicks, why not be there with this music for a
while. Explore it. Find out why you don't like it. Maybe you'll
learn something.
I'm on my way to a party. I don't want to go. I don't know many
people there, and I keep thinking about what it will be like. I
might feel uncomfortable, or not know what to say. Then I think,
why not just show up? Why not just be there, without all this
thought baggage, and see what happens? You can always leave. I
go, I stay and I have a great time.
Why is it so hard simply to be there? To sit with what is and
not have to do anything or change anything or control anything?
I've realized that it's a huge challenge, not just for me, but
for most people as well.
Being isn't something we do well in our culture. Doing is our
thing. We talk a lot about being; but, when you get right down
to it, we seem to avoid actually... doing it. So I've taken it
upon myself to learn this art and to practice it often.
When my mom makes a comment that pushes every button in my
body-mind, I ask myself, "Ok, what is it like to be with this?
What does it feel like? What does it look like?" I might say,
"I'm interested in this." And pretty soon I don't feel angry, or
suffocated, or hurt anymore. I'm an observer now, not a
participant. I can still have a conversation, but I respond from
a different point of view. There's no struggle inside me, no
need for one. No need to judge or to make a decision about what
to do.
This leaves me feeling peaceful; and I'm learning that I've
created and participated in a degree of struggle that isn't
necessary. Not only that, it doesn't interest me anymore. I'm
attracted to the spaciousness I feel when I let go of the need
to react to everything--to hook into it. I won't die if I live
for a while in the same space as my discomfort. In fact, by
being present with it, I come away feeling as if I've really
lived.
It's the same with joy, which can be just as hard to be with. I
had dinner with a friend the other night; and afterward, I found
myself taking stock of the evening like an accountant looking
for missing figures. Then I thought, what are you doing? You had
fun. Case closed!
What's this about? When I'm sad I want to be happy. When I'm
happy, I'm looking for sadness. In the meantime, I'm never
really anywhere because I'm never really where I am. Too
confusing...
So now I'm playing a lot with this idea of being present with
myself in the moment--of really being where I am. And I'm
finding that I'm happier, more relaxed and more grateful for
everything I have, which, of course is the way to get the things
I want. It isn't easy, but it's very interesting.
It takes a great deal of effort. But not the pushing kind. The
trick is to let go and relax and just observe what's there; then
to observe how I feel about what I find, and so forth. It's an
adventure deep into my life. As with any adventure, it's easy to
resist the first steps, but the rewards are huge. I have much
less stress in my life now, I'm happier, I'm more available for
other people, I'm better at everything I set out to do. As you
can see, this is a win-win situation. It really is worth
cultivating the art of being there.
Here are a few pointers that will help you be there:
Breathe.
It's been said that your consciousness travels on your breath.
In yoga, and martial arts, the breath is the most important tool
for focusing and gathering power. Breathing fully and deeply
brings you back to the here and now, anchoring your
consciousness fully in your body. Focus on your breath. Follow
it with your awareness, feeling the air move in and out. You'll
notice almost immediately that you feel more present.
Be your experience.
If you feel emotions mounting or discomfort rearing its ugly
head, do what you were taught to do when you were a kid and
wanted to cross the street: Stop, look and listen. Just observe
what's going on inside you. How do you feel? Does your stomach
hurt? Are you shaking? Are you suddenly very tired or sad? You
might ask, "Have I felt this way before?" You might remember
another experience that triggered you in the same way. There's
nothing to do with these observations. The idea is simply to
make them, and to be fully present with whatever's happening
inside you. With a little practice, you'll begin to feel more
peaceful and able to act from a place of more awareness.
Do one thing at a time.
This may sound crazy in a world where multi-tasking has been
elevated to a fine art. But it isn't always the best thing to
do, particularly when you're dealing with another person who
needs your attention or a task that requires precision. Turn off
the TV when you have a conversation. Close your email program
when someone calls. Walk away from distractions and really
concentrate on participating with everything you've got. You'll
find that you get more done and you'll do everything better. If
you find yourself itching to do three things at once, follow the
two steps above: breathe and be your experience.
Make notes.
You may want to keep a notebook chronicling you progress. At the
end of the day, or whenever you have a quiet moment, jot down
your observations about what you did well and what you need to
work on. What experiences did you find it easy to be there for,
and which ones were a real challenge? This process helps you to
focus your attention, and to internalize the information you
receive on all levels.
Be kind to yourself.
Remember, even the most adept yogis have to practice the art of
being there. And we live in a culture that puts no great store
in mindfulness. It will take time to quiet your inner self and
to learn that you're safe in each moment. If you practice,
though, you'll start to notice shifts quite quickly. Be sure to
be there fully for these little triumphs, and to honor yourself
as you walk the path of greater awareness.