In the Company of Women - Online
>From a young age, girls are drawn to one another. They have an
innate need to share who they are; to share their secret selves.
Unlike boys who posture and show their camaraderie through
challenges of skill and sportsmanship, girls whisper together
and divulge secrets that can only be revealed when they feel
safe.
That need carries into adulthood, and no matter if a woman is
five, 15 or 50, she will still giggle with her girlfriends, and
talk about all the things that matter most in their worlds. The
topics change over time - discussions of Barbie Dream Houses are
replaced with talks of realtors and washing machines. Boys make
way for men and children. Dreams of what we'll be when we grow
up, move aside to become goals achieved and new dreams imagined.
We know all this to be true offline, but with the advent of the
internet, is it also true for online friendships? Ask any woman
with an online friend, and she'll probably nod her head
profusely, eyes wide and state simply, "Yes!"
Sometimes I am still in awe that I could ever have formed such
strong bonds with women I've never gone shopping with, to the
movies with, or just hung out with at their homes or mine. We
don't borrow each other's clothes or jewelry, or spend a Sunday
afternoon at the lake eating sandy sandwiches with our kids. Yet
in other ways, we share so much more.
The women I've gotten to know online have changed me in
extremely positive ways. They are strong, intelligent women and
in subtle and not so subtle means, they've been the driving
force behind my own growth. I am not the same person I was a
year ago, or five years ago when I first met some of them. I
have a newfound respect for myself, the likes of which I'd never
experienced before. I cared about myself enough to maintain, as
necessary, my little world over the years, and I paid lip
service to standing up for myself, but my life was a testament
to selling out. I was in an unhappy marriage, working as a
secretary since I'd had to give up college at the insistence of
his family who saw my education as a "luxury" we couldn't
afford. My dreams of being an entrepreneur were just that:
dreams. They weren't even close to being goals. I was making
unhealthy life choices and I was completely lost.
One day, early in the friendships, I was filled with emptiness
and was in the depths of a depression that seemed unending. The
anonymity of being online made it possible for me to reach out
and ask for the help I had never been able to ask of others in
my offline world. My so-called reaching out was tentative as old
fears that I wasn't "good enough" swept in and so I pulled back.
Yet, one of my online girlfriends didn't "let" me pull away. She
didn't draw me out either (which is something I was grateful for
- when people try to draw me out, I find it has the reverse
effect and I quite nearly disappear). She did tell me that when
I was ready, she was there.
Slowly, I began to open up and became the woman I know and love
now, but was afraid would meet with rejection, then. I'm one of
those people who loves to talk and laugh, always has an opinion,
loves to listen and discover new perspectives, and thoroughly
enjoys learning about people and all the little nuances that
make their worlds work. At least, that was the girl I had been
and had the good fortune to rediscover and embrace.
I wasn't rejected and once the amazement over that wore I off, I
learned that my authentic self is never something I should be
afraid of being. Paradoxically, I learned through the acceptance
I received that whether people accept me or not was no longer an
issue for me. Once I removed the fear from the friendship
equation, and I no longer worried about whether or not people
liked me, I was even freer to be myself and found my friendships
moved to entirely new and deeper levels. I no longer seek
anyone's approval and the ironic thing is, the less I seek it,
the more I find it.
The women I've come to know are all so different. We range in
age from 18 to 65+ and our lifestyles are as varied as they
could possibly be, yet we found our common ground and a strong
connection. With the strength we bring to our relationships we
have learned we're strong enough to live our lives the way we
choose, no matter what our demographic. We don't tell each
other, "you can do it, you can do it," on a constant basis, but
we do give encouragement when it's needed. We don't have to pump
one another up so we're walking away with a false sense of
ourselves. As I have learned to do through our union, they too
state themselves with simplicity and clarity and I learn as much
about them as they do about me. Through conversations of
everyday life, spirituality, and sharing our understanding
behind why we do what we do, and what we know to be right for
ourselves, we grow. They have helped me more than they can ever
know.
Maybe because these friendships began online, behind a cloak of
seeming distance, it was easier for us to move past
superficialities. There was no cause for us to talk about the
weather, the price of lettuce or that lovely scarf that matches
your eyes. We revealed ourselves by reaching to the core without
typical social veneers, and so we more quickly and easily
recognized one another.
We don't need to talk to each other every day - not even every
week - but the time we do spend together is definitely high
quality.
In my offline world, I listen to music that empowers me, I read
books on spirituality that fill me up, I am the best mom to my
son I know how to be, I try to be as kind to myself as I am to
others, I spend time with friends, I edit and I write. These
things are my life, and yet, they are the elements that make my
life better. I live on my terms now and that takes a lot more
courage than I ever had before I met my online girlfriends.
I take that tenacity into the world, making it a better place
for me and everyone I know at every opportunity. I truly can't
thank them enough and I only hope I am giving as much as I've
received. I am grateful for the strength found in the company of
women.
If you've been curious about online friendships but feeling
wary, I encourage you to at least explore the possibility. Meet
women you can connect with in some way. If you love to cook,
sign up on a cooking or recipe exchange site. Talk to the people
you play against in Texas Hold 'Em or Scrabble. Join a
photography group or a writing group, or even try keeping an
open journal on a blog site and meet like-minded women. If you
have an illness, or care for a loved one with an illness, find a
site where you can talk to others about the things you go
through. You won't be fast friends with everyone, but you'll
begin to find yourself drawn to talking to particular people,
and over time, those friendships will grow. Then one day, when
someone asks you if women can be as close online as off, your
eyes will widen, you'll nod profusely and state with
conviction,"Yes!"