Turbo Charge Your Love Life: Communication
Many couples are together for years, participating in what they
both genuinely believe is a mutually satisfying sex life. Only
when there is a major disruption such as infidelity, the serious
disability of one partner, or a divorce, do they realize, with
astonishment, that some activity they thought their partner
enjoyed was actually just the opposite: "I always hated it when
you... "
We care about our partners and want, above all, to make them
happy. We therefore tend to conceal our dislike of certain
sexual activities if we think they are highly pleasurable for
our mate. Women, especially, will tolerate approaches they find
awkward and unsatisfying because they are fearful of threatening
the relationship they have worked so hard to develop.
Open, honest, and non-punitive communication can re-align and
rework routines that are not mutually arousing. The key is to
set aside a time for discussing your sexual likes and dislikes
in a non-threatening atmosphere. Reporting that you don't care
for something your partner does is best done outside the
bedroom. In the middle of a moment of mutual ardor, a complaint
can lead to defensiveness, withdrawal, and a real break in the
rhythm of your sex life.
Approach it as a date to discuss your sex life together and how
to identify opportunities for making it even better for both of
you. Approach it with good humor and within the framework of
your mutual positive regard. By all means, avoid the statement
"We've got to talk," toxic in any circumstances.
Make an event of it. A formal dinner invitation worded as an
appointment to "focus on our sex life and how to make it better
than it already is" sets up your partner to look forward to a
stimulating discussion that will probably culminate, if all
falls into place, in an exciting session of love-making.
Start out with an agreement to be open and frank and to talk
about specific behaviors and actions, not about how you feel
about each other which is a given. Initiate the exchange by
concentrating on the things that your partner does that truly
delight you. Give each other strong positive feedback about both
the relationship and your sexual habits. Where there are areas
of action that you don't enjoy, couch it in "I feel" terms
rather than accusations. Anything your partner does is not a sin
or a transgression, it is simply something that, in your
idiosyncratic way, you don't enjoy.
Because you care about each other, you want each other to be
happy. It is not uncommon for one partner to hear this
information with genuine surprise. No matter how strongly you
feel that you have already telegraphed your dislike of the
action through body language or physical withdrawal, your
partner was so involved in their own activity that your signals
were never noticed.
Once the subject has been broached, there are several ways to
resolve the disconnect. It may be that your partner is not that
committed to such actions and declares that it will never happen
again, no big deal. It may be an activity that your mate finds
extremely pleasurable and is loath to give up entirely. Then you
may work on a compromise, perhaps in intensity or frequency.
There may be an alternative action you can suggest that would be
a different option to lead both of you to a high degree of
satisfaction.
Once you have agreed on any adaptations you are going to make to
your regular routine, spend the rest of the evening reveling in
all the positives of your intimate relationship and why sex with
each other is so much more meaningful than would be any kind of
contact outside your personal duet. Turn on the charm, flirt as
if there were no tomorrow and dance as if no one was watching.
Then go home together in a haze of excitement and immediately
practice your compromise to cement the new routine in place.
Send your partner a thank you card or email the following day
and you'll find that your discussion has been the springboard to
bring your relationship to a new level.