Break-Up Fake-Out, or Move Out Without the Lout?
Dear Dr. Neder,
I was reading your article on 10 Signs Its Time to Break Up, so
I decided to write. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years
(on and off) for various reasons. I broke up with him 2 weeks
ago, and now I feel like I made a big mistake.
One of the reasons I broke up with him is because he would
sometimes go for days without calling me because he was in one
of his "moods". Even though I told him repeatedly how horrible
this made me feel, he continued to do it. Another reason was
that I always seemed to be giving and never receiving anything.
For instance, he just got a new apartment, so I furnished his
bathroom, but a month down the road, he forgot my birthday and
then when I reminded him, he still didn't get me anything. Other
than that, we had a really good relationship and he said he
realized I deserved better and was going to do better.
Do you think I should give him more time to "work on himself" or
was breaking up the best for both of us? I would really
appreciate your input. Thanks!! ======================
Hello!
You have to answer two questions; one of them is simple and the
other more complex.
The first question is this: did you break up with him to punish
him? Many people (particularly women) will do this. It's both a
threat and a reaction to anger. In other words, you may have
just broken up with him to "get him back" for hurting your
feelings. Obviously, this isn't a good idea. If you decide this
is the case, then you should definitely rethink this action. If
you decide it was a mistake, don't just go back and hook up
again. You need to get this problem fixed inside of you.
Relationships are fragile things. If you continue this type of
behavior, you're liable to permanently damage it beyond repair.
The second question will take some time, and is simply this:
does this man meet your goals? Of course, you actually have to
have relationship goals and very few people do. When you set
these goals, you need to really evaluate what you want in your
life; how your life will be when you find it and consider every
aspect. Be complete and specific, but understand that this may
take you many hours. You also need to write this information
down somewhere - don't waste your time and just ponder it. That
won't get you anywhere. Also, don't focus on "who" at this
point, just focus on the "what" and "why".
Once you're done with this project, simply compare this man to
your goals. How does he fit and in the areas where he doesn't,
are you willing to live with that? If you are, fine. If not, can
these things be corrected?
After this exercise, you'll be much better able to determine
whether you need to go back to him or not.
Finally, it's entirely reasonable to expect that he'll be
involved with special events in your life just like you are with
him. If he doesn't seem able to do this, you might want to ask
yourself why this is so. Is he so self-centered as to not be
able to get involved with anyone else or is he simply so
forgetful that you need to get him a calendar?
Best regards...