Why Can't I Meet Someone That's Available?
Hello Dr. Neder:
HELP!
Oh yes, a word you probably see all the time. But surely there
is no plain and simple way to understand men or even women for
that matter.
Here's my dilemma: I am a single, pretty, tall, 24-year-old
woman. I have had a couple of boyfriends here and there, but
just one serious one. This past Christmas, I met someone special
that had come home from college for 2 weeks. He was a guy I went
to high school with, but never really talked to before.
After we met up again, we talked everyday and saw each other
every other day. We were romantic; kissing, hugging, looking
deep into each other's eyes, etc. He said he really liked me and
that he'd miss me when he left to return to college, but last
night he told me that he didn't want a relationship, but wanted
to keep in touch and still see each other now and then.
What does that mean??? No relationship, but he still wants the
things relationships are all about? It's weird!
Help!!!!!!!!! ===================
Hello!
Frankly, this isn't as weird as it might seem. This guy is away
at college. There, he knows he's going to meet a lot of women
and he wants to keep his options open. On the other hand, it's a
good deal to know that he has someone waiting at home for him
too - a good deal that is, for him!
You say that your "...pretty, tall..." etc., and that may or may
not be true, but either way, that's not the real issue here. The
distance is the issue. Trust me on this one - long-distance
relationships NEVER work out! That's just the way it is. There
are so many reasons for this that I can't even begin to describe
them all here, but suffice it to say that I know what I'm
talking about. Perhaps after he finishes his education he might
be someone you'd consider dating when he returns home, but I
wouldn't hold out hope. He'll be a different person by then.
So, let's talk about now instead.
You are obviously interested in finding a relationship, but let
me ask you: do you really know exactly what it is you're looking
for? Have you ever sat down to really figure this out? As I say
in many interviews, most people spend more time planning their
vacations than they spend planning their relationships. Isn't
that ridiculous? But by "planning" I'm not talking about looking
around until you stumble over some guy. I'm talking about really
sitting down and crafting your perfect relationship on paper.
We often set goals for our lives, but this usually involves our
work lives and sometimes a few other aspects. I think it's
critical to set goals for your emotional life too. But you have
to be very clear and specific on what (*NOT* whom) you want!
This should describe not only the type of guy you're looking for
in every way possible, but what your life will be like when you
find it. This last part is critical as I've seen many people do
just the first part and then keep searching even though they've
found exactly what they really wanted. They did this simply
because they didn't realize they had what they wanted in the
first place.
Likewise, you need to recognize that you need some relationship
skills behind you. This involves actually learning how men think
and act. Most of women's information about men come from other
women! This is a fatal mistake as I've seen so much
misinformation given from otherwise well-meaning women. If you
really want to learn about men, I suggest that you get it right
from the source. If you don't have a ready source of this
information, I suggest that you get involved in my discussion
group, "BeingAMan" here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman. It's free and filled
with men discussing men's relationship, dating and sex issues.
There are also many women in there too in order to learn much
more about men.
Another skill you have to build is both how to approach men, and
how to be approached. It would seem that the latter is easy -
just hang around until some great guy walks up and sweeps you
off your feet. Not so! In fact, most men don't really even know
how to approach a woman, or what women to approach. You have to
learn to make it easy for men to do this by learning how to
flirt - make eye contact, establish connection and rapport learn
communication tools, etc.
These will get you far along the way, but there's much more!
What about learning to approach great men yourself? Why should
you have to wait around until some guy you think you'd like
approaches you? There's nothing wrong with taking that
responsibility yourself and making things happy - for yourself.
Besides, wouldn't you like to meet a guy that is so comfortable
with his own masculinity that he's perfectly comfortable both
approaching - and being approached - by women?
Finally, you have to actually be somewhere that you can meet
other people. Men aren't going to just find you in the phone
book! I constantly urge people to find activities and hobbies
that they enjoy. Invariably, you'll find that there are clubs,
organizations and events all centered around these activities
and hobbies. What's cool about this is that you'll not only have
a lot of fun, you'll meet other fun people too.
This isn't an exhaustive list of things to do to kick-start your
love life, but it'll take you a long way along the path. For
much more I suggest you also visit my website as there's very
large amount of information and ideas right there at your
fingertips.
Best regards...