Dating and Emotional Needs
If you have finally decided to come out of your cocoon and join
the unattached millions seeking romance, you should ask yourself
what it is you're looking for in a date. Is it someone to make
your ex jealous? Is it to get a ring on your finger before your
sister does? Is it because you are lonely or bored or depressed?
Or are you looking for someone you would like to spend the rest
of your life with?
Entering the dating competition can be risky at best. Without
guidelines it can be hazardous to your self-esteem and your bank
account.
Copyright 2006 Robert T. Lewis
If you have a particular goal in mind, it narrows the field of
possible dates. That saves you time, money and energy. If you
are bored or depressed, for example, look for someone who is fun
and has a good sense of humor. It may not turn out to be your
future spouse, but it will meet your present needs.
Unless you are a struggling graduate student and you consider
strolling through the park discussing Chaucer with a member of
the opposite sex a date, dating is not cheap.
Of, if you are also a gambler you might invest your small
pittance in a prospective date, who would later support you
through medical school.
If your employer has outsourced your job to India, your
unemployment checks have run out and your car is about to be
repossessed, your chances of finding a date are minimal. If you
are lucky, you might stumble onto a compassionate social work
type, whose shoulder you can cry on. Better yet, you could
restrict your search to someone whose father owns a thriving
business and who could offer you a job.
The more you are in tune with the emotional needs you hope will
be satisfied by a potential partner, the more you can target
your search to possible dates that meet your criteria.
Keep in mind that couples who are compatible generally satisfy
each other's needs. So, if you narrow your search to a few
possible dates, try to determine if what you have to offer also
meets the needs of the other person.
Needs may be temporary or superficial or basic, and they will
most likely change as you mature. They may be as simple as
choosing a date who will impress your friends to the deep seated
needs that lead to marriage.
Finding a compatible partner will usually take time, and
probably time with more than one person. So, if you find
yourself still seeking the ideal mate, don't despair. Keep
trying. Some people find true love in their 80's and 90's.
And, if you occasionally get distracted by someone with great
sex appeal, a winning smile and a Porsche, don't lose track of
your final goal. Such temptations can be fun, but are rarely
lasting.
As you plow your way through the adversities of dating, you are
bound to make mistakes. If you screw up a relationship and it
bombs, don't worry. Failure can be a great learning experience.
Did you learn what you did or didn't do to offend your date? Did
you learn your date didn't appreciate your sense of humor. And
more important, did you learn what type of person you don't want
to marry?
Now that you know the basics, but are still confused about how
to begin your search for the perfect partner, think of the last
time you were looking for a job. Being single is much like being
unemployed.
When you were being interviewed for a job, did you look for an
employer whose goals were similar to your own? Was the company a
place where you would like to spend the rest of your working
life? Did the company seem to meet your emotional needs, and did
you feel you had something to offer the company in return?
Did you feel accepted and comfortable and appreciated?
If the company didn't seem to meet your expectations, did you
turn the job down and seek another?
Or did you overlook all the negatives because you were so
desperate for a job you would take anything you could get?
Seeking an ideal date is like seeking an ideal job. If you are
only seeking a temporary relationship or a temporary job, you
probably won't be picky. But if you are seeking a long term
commitment, both at work and in your love life, be sure they
both result in compatible satisfaction.
Of course you don't expect your employer to satisfy your need
for love and affection.
But sometimes it happens.
Copyright2006 Robert T. Lewis