Really Mad? EAT-IT!
Copyright 2006 Mark Meshulam
Have you ever wanted to whip out the ol' Ouzi and teach a few
dick-wipes a well deserved lesson? I know I have. In business,
as in the rest of life, sometimes folks do things which display
such abysmal stupidity or malice that they seem to be pleading
for euthanasia.
I have, on more than one occasion, wondered aloud if murder was
still considered a crime in Illinois (the shooting-death rate in
Chicago naturally gives rise to doubts on this point), and
opined that the demonstrable imbecility or evilness of my victim
should be a justifying cause or even cause for reward.
In the old days, shrinks would prescribe exercise, downers and
punching bags as treatments for major pissed-offness, but now
there is something new:
Email Anger Therapy using Internet Technology (EAT-IT), and you
can thank Doctor Mark for keeping you out of the hoosegow.
Here's how it works:
Plant your fuming personage in front of the nearest computer,
open a fresh email, and proceed to fill it with all the venom
you can spew.
My style starts out relatively sane, then a slow burn builds to
a fever pitch somewhere around mid-rant. A few deliciously low
blows ensue, Vesuvious erupts, then cools down with a couple of
band-aids pasted over the collateral damage at the end.
I rarely launch into epithets, obscenities, or - lordy forfend -
using all capital letters. Instead I use scathing sarcasm,
incisive irony, merciless unmasking of misrepresentations,
righteous indignation and, who could resist, onomotopaea. Next
sucker who crosses me gets wacked upside the head with iambic
pentameter and I'm not kidding!
You have to do this for a while to develop your own style. There
is no right or wrong. You can slice your prey along or across
the grain. Dice, puree or grind to a pulp with your own
inimitable style, and rub salt in the wound to taste.
Make sure you have said it all. Don't hold back. Wimpy catharses
will never do in EAT-IT.
When you are thoroughly depleted, the time has come to catapult
your fireball over the wall. The send button is but a click away.
Here is the beauty of the EAT-IT system. Send your angst-filled
missive to only one person: yourself.
You will feel relief at having poured your frustrations into a
meaningful vehicle, yet you don't have to worry about whether
you just did something incredibly stupid.
Words said in anger can create a powerful backlash which often
finds the sayer regretful that anything was said at all. Yet at
other times the hot message can hit home and produce positive
movement. In your enraged state, you will not know the
difference.
The next day, or two days later, you can review your words and
decide what to do next. You may quietly close the email thankful
that you didn't send it. You may trim the gratuitous insults,
adjust the message with a more businesslike tone and send it.
You might let the email sit in your inbox for consideration in
light of the unfolding of future events, and take well
considered action later.
The EAT-IT system keeps you in control. You can have your
feelings and express them too. But you control what to do about
them, and you do it when a clearer head prevails.
When you see red, EAT-IT!