Behavioural Issues with Teenagers
Many parents of teenagers become very concerned and confused
about some of the behaviour exhibited by their adolescent. They
understand that during adolescence the teenager will be
experiencing many changes both physical and emotional. At times
they will be growing faster than at any time in their lives;
puberty will be arriving, causing a range of major physical and
emotional changes. Most will be facing pressures to achieve at
school and they are being pushed to make decisions that will
affect their future. They will be facing pressure from peers to
dress or behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world
will be exerting its pressures to convince them that their
clothes and products are 'cool' so every discerning teenager
needs them and in fact there is something wrong with them if
they don't follow the fashions.
One of the common enquiries received on my telephone support
service www.peter-jackson.me.uk is about laziness where the
teenagers seem unable or unwilling to do anything that requires
energy. Where does this apparent laziness come from? We see them
too tired to get up in the mornings, they avoid any activity
that demands energy and requires them to leave their room which
has become a total tip; clothes, both dirty and clean strewn
everywhere, dirty cups and drink cans on the floor and an
unpleasant odour pervading the atmosphere.
He - for it is normally boys that show this type of behaviour
although girls seem to be catching up - may be experiencing a
major growing spurt which will mean that he will need more sleep
and perhaps be lacking some energy, but look a bit closer and we
may need to consider some other factors. If he needs more sleep
why does he spend much of the night watching DVD's, using his
computer or playing electronic games? How come he has the energy
to dress up and go out with his mates and dance until the early
hours of the morning? I think he is having us on; it's his
lifestyle causing his tiredness.
Certainly the physical changes that occur during adolescence can
have an effect on the levels of energy available and this is
often exacerbated by the emotional effects that the changes are
having on them. However it is very rare for these effects to
cause tiredness which is so severe that they have to opt out of
life. In the case above it is his life style that is causing the
problems. Unfortunately once this sort of pattern has been
established it is very difficult to change, so as soon as
parents become aware that this sort of behaviour is developing,
action needs to be taken. Remember that all teenagers are
actually happier with clear boundaries with consequences for
breaking them, the longer that unhealthy behaviour is allowed to
continue the more entrenched it becomes.
Another situation which on the surface appears similar, is where
the teenager retreats to his or her room and again often stays
in bed or watches television or DVD's, much as the lad above.
However in this case they do not go out with friends or go
dancing, in fact they often only leave home to go to school or
college. They are becoming isolated from friends and family.
Overall they do not seem to be very happy bunnies.
In this type of case, it can be the processes of adolescence
along, perhaps with other issues, which are having a more
profound effect on them and may be causing them to become
depressed. Gentle attempts should be made to try to open up
communications in order to try and support them in coming to an
understanding of the issues, and how they might begin to resolve
them. Often the issues are about a poor self image and a lack of
confidence. If you are unable to engage in positive
communication with them, is there another adult to whom they
would open up, perhaps a family friend, aunt, uncle or
grandparent. Failing this then you should seek professional
help.
Schools and colleges can be very helpful both about academic
based problems and about peer relationships. If education
problems exist the earlier that they are addressed the higher
the chances of successful resolution. Education establishments
often have very good counselling and pastoral staff and the
young person should be encouraged to use these services.
If you are concerned that your teenagers moods are becoming very
low and they have less and less social contact, perhaps with
wide swings in mood, with perhaps them self harming and
threatening suicide then you should try and persuade them to
seek help. Please do this in a supportive not critical way. Your
G.P. Will be able to consider not only medication but a range of
other therapies. Depression in adolescents should always be
taken seriously as around 500 teenagers commit suicide each year
in the UK.
For some parents the problem is that 'laziness' only extends
activities which assist the household, such as keeping their own
room tidy, putting dirty washing in the correct place, doing any
household chores, and they certainly will not do any cooking or
washing up. This is not acceptable as teenagers should be
contributing to the life of the family.
Many parents do not realise that they have several very
powerful negotiating tools available to them. Who gives them
pocket money? Who cooks the meals? Who provides the taxi
service? Who washes their cloths? I think a reduction or
withdrawal of these could form the basis of a negotiated
exchange for help from them. Parents have a right and a duty to
set the rules in their home, and should do so; however these
should not be static and should continue to be revised in
negotiation with family members.
If you need additional information or help concerning any issues
connected with parenting teenagers go to
http://www.peter-jackson.me.uk/
Peter Jackson Feb 2006